My mother was recently put on Hospice. She has a collapsed lung, and a bad heart cause by a severe dowager's hump. She has been unable to walk for a year. She lives in a nursing home. I go visit her almost daily. She pleads for me to stay when I leave. I'm pretty burned out. But I'm the only family she has left. I moved her to be near me when we moved several years ago. So she also doesn't have any friends in the area. Dementia has mellowed her but she was a horrible narscistic mother growing up. My husband has a business trip coming up and wants me to go with him, then we would continue on, on a vacation for a total of 11 days. I really don't want to go. I don't want to leave my mother alone while she goes through this. I don't want to get a phone call while I'm away and have to rush home. She does have good and bad days and my husband only sees her good days. I think she rallies around when she knows he's coming. But then again it's not like a cancer diagnosis where the end is somewhat more predictable. There have been so many times where I thought the end was near and she has recovered. I know patients can go on and off hospice. If you were me would you go on vacation? If not how can I convince my husband it's not the right time to go on vacation?
There should be activities to go to and other people, both staff and patients to chat with. You should not be the only focus of her existence.
Do you want there to be a relationship with your husband after mom is gone? Then you need to honor your commitment to that relationship now. I have a sneaking suspicion that your husband asking you to accompany him is an attempt to break you free of your mother's narcissistic demands, often known as Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
Guilt? If you cared for her in life, the fact that you weren't there for her at the moment of her death shouldn't matter very much. Death is between Mom and her Maker. At that point, we're the 5th wheel, unneeded and unheeded. At least, that has been my take on things.
The watchword in my family, passed from generation to generation is " we don't do deathbeds. We do for each other in life".
In my mind, deathbed watches are the stock in trade of the narcissist, an attempt to control with guilt until the end. All that control? It's an illusion.
Each time the phone rings it could be yet another crisis, fall, trip to ER etc. I used to worry about traveling, that I wouldn't be available for an emergency. But I've decided I can't put my life on hold waiting for what may or may not happen. So I alert my contacts in the area, make sure everyone can reach me and call each day.
With my folks it could all crash today, tomorrow or next year. There's absolutely no way to predict. Your moms situation is probably much the same. She could go for a long time, even "graduate" from hospice, or fail very quickly. I would take the trip. Don't feel guilty. What happens will happen whether you are there or not.
of my sister and a CNA.
When my son graduated college last year,
I had to travel to attend his graduation out of state and help
him resettle at his new job.
I was very nervous to go and made endless lists and
preparations. Then I went.
It was heavenly!! I felt a lightness I haven't felt in years and
I came back refreshed. Anticipating the trip is the hard part. Once you go,
it's pure joy. I encourage you to go.
But she could be on hospice for years.. It's going to happen when it happens you can't change that..
Imagine if you stay behind and husband travels without you and when he returns Mom's still alive and kicking?
Wish reservations were refundable these days. That would make it easier to commit. But it sounds like everyone thinks I should go.
Thanks all.
So I'm another strong vote in the "go on the trip" column. Your husband is your first priority, no question. Your mom comes second, whether she wants that to be the case or not. And I wouldn't even call her while you are gone. Let the nursing home folks have your contact info and tell them they're only to call you if there's an emergency. Otherwise, you need to take a total break from your mom. You deserve it!
" watcha gonna do if mom dies while I'm gone?". "Not call you and keep her on ice until you get back". In other words, we need our breaks. And we all know that at this point, nothing mom has is fixable. She's not on hospice, just comfort care, but we are firmly committed to no more ambulance rides and ERs. So there's really nothing more for us to do if "something" happens.
Honestly, my first thoughts were "Flip a coin" and "Clone yourself." But that's beyond insensitive. It's borderline heartless. But I'm really sorry for the civil war raging inside of you.
Your mother keeps bouncing back, your husband craves your company, and your body needs to regenerate. Go on the vacation. Together with the hospice staff, break the news to mom. Hopefully they'll keep her occupied while you're gone. Ask what kind of light social activities they have. Mom might not like it, but you need to have a life.
Worst case scenario might be your man starting to feel like a part-time husband and contemplating a long-term vacation from you. ... Go with him!!!
When you get home and she launches into you, apologize and comfort her and pet her and tell her how hard it was for her. And the whole time, try to feel zero guilt. Your guilt doesn't relieve any of her pain. A show of guilt, however, will cheer her up enormously.
No guilt allowed!
Your husband can see the full picture, and he loves you, and knows you NEED a break.
Follow his lead.
You're not responsible for ... nor can control the time.....
Mom and hubby love you. Go with him.
M88
I do plan ahead, leave phone numbers (cell phones of course) and tell neighbors & our kids.
Your mom sounds like she has been controlling you for a long, long time. That is so difficult to break. I hope you go and have a good time. You've done all you can and sounds like she isn't "actively" dying---go with your hubby and DON'T TALK ABOUT MOM the whole time. He'll appreciate that.
You will be a better wife and daughter. One thing for sure we are all going to die. We don't have to be old or on comfort care or hospice for that to happen. The plan is to live while you are alive and not be in limbo. When your mom was your age, odds are she wasn't sitting by her mothers prolonged death bed. She's had her life. You are still in the midst of yours. Have fun and let us know how it went. We all need that vacation too and envy you!
If you feel that badly leaving her, maybe you can hire someone to come into the NH and visit with her for an hour every other day - maybe have them do her nails one day, foot massage the next, etc. And you will only be as far as the nearest phone call. You can promise her you will call every day at a specified time so she has something to look forward to.
If she takes a turn for the worse, the NH will call you. If she passes, like many do in the middle of the night, she will have chosen that time to be alone and you wouldn't be there anyway.
I'm hearing from many people that their parents all say "don't go" every time they leave and they end up with a guilt trip. (Mine did, every time, and we had the nurse distract her so we could sneak out. Now she is not lucid and doesn't care.) Believe it or not, they do have some sort of life and connections with staff and other residents in NHs when you are not around. We make ourselves feel guilty for not being there every minute. They do ok when children are not there, honestly.
I spent the past 10 years planning my vacations around Mom or not going at all and we didn't move five years ago because "something might happen". She is now 101 and just in the last week has she begun declining with the end.
imminent.
Having been in your spot for years, I would go on vacation.