Trapped in the basement to avoid my abusive future father-in-law. What can I do?

Wow...let's just take a deep breath and try to calm down.

I know many of you mean well, but by being critical and disrespectful to her and her family (and yes, I think a fiance and soon to be father-in-law are considered family) you turn her away from the good advice some people can give. She made it very clear that she does not want to end her relationship, and currently moving out is not a good option.

You also alienate others who may read this post and think "if I post my story, all they are going to do is attack me and tell me I am a fool".

GET OUT NOW and also, report this to you local law enforcement agency. Your FIL is in need of a psych evalualtion and they can make that happen. Call 911 if you have to. Staying there is NOT the answer for any of this.

You mentioned that you could go and stay with your fiance's cousin who lives nearby. I am wondering why you were not checking things out with this cousin before you both made such a monumental and disasteros move?

Glad to know you and your fiance' are working together on the problem. Time to work together on a solution that is best for everyone concerned. The father needs to learn the culture in america-mutual respect!

Sometimes the best way to work on a situation is to remove yourself, perhaps part-time, to a nearby location where you can get some peace and perspective -- and this gives the partner a place where he can come for peace also.

Hi Bella67. I was glad to hear that things are turning around a bit. The most important thing, I think, is to take control back, and it sounds like you are on that road.

I have to strongly disagree with the sentiment in this thread about leaving your fiance, etc. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like many posters are projecting their own issues onto your situation. ALL relationships take work, patience, caring, and teamwork to be successful. I'm sure you already know this, but life throws a lot of stuff at you sometimes, and the way to get through it is to work together, not run away.

I think you are doing the right thing by actively changing the situation rather than "knee jerk reaction" cut and running. You will learn to be more assertive, and in the end I would expect your relationship with your fiance will be stronger with the knowledge that you two can work together to solve any problems in the future.

Keep at it, sounds like you are doing great!

Here's the thread:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/social-skills-and-table-manners-gone-out-the-door-162570.htm

Bella, thanks for the clarification. In the US, "taking good care of a parent" usually includes finding a place for him where professionals can take MUCH BETTER care of him than we non-professionals can. There are many, many such places (which accept Medicaid) -- some of them beautiful and in a beautiful location. Sometimes a retired professional in her own house will accept one elder and give him as much attention as he wants (as well as a private room, bath, perhaps kitchenette). Or, several elders who want to socialize, in a larger, luxurious house with several professonals involved. If you shop long enough, you may find such a place run by members of his own culture! This is a good project to start researching now, well in advance of need.

Regardless of his motives and his personal character, the various conditions that cause such extreme behavior are incurable. They will only get worse over the months and years. If he were to make a sincere promise to change his behavior -- soon the physical condition would worsen and he would forget it! Or forget HOW to behave well. There's a thread here that explains such loss of standards of behavior, under 'Questions', titled "Anybody noticed social skills and table manners gone out the door?"

Bella, you've gotten amazing advice from people who care and know a lot. Please listen. Get out, get help and keep communicating with your fiancé. He sounds wonderful. I expect that once he knows and understands more about his dad, he'll seek some professional advice on how to handle him. Meanwhile, you need to stay safe and so does your guy.

Do not worry about what your fiancé’s dad says at church. You know what's right and so do most of these people if he's gone to the same church a long time. Just keep working to stay safe and if you love your fiancé enough to stick around, work with him to help him solve this problem with his dad.
Best wishes from us all,
Carol

Bella I agree with the Capt about not throwing away a relationship so readily but do not marry this man however much you love him until he is free of his father's control. If this is a cultural issue and of course we don't know what culture untold harm may come to you. In some cultures if you marry in you become their property and if you bring what they see as shame on the family you could pay with your life. Do you have family you can seek support from, they may have more worldly experience with the effects of "culture"
Your future FIL can and will do all the things SA describes that has to be dealt with by the two of you as a TEAM. But going forward be very sure your fiancé does not follow the beliefs of his culture if you are not totally on board. Do not let yourself get brainwashed. Maybe it is too late but everything that has been said here is directed at your wellbeing since you are the one asking for help. We only know what you tell us. This is not about fiancé bashing it is about life experience and concern for your future happiness.

i wouldnt suggest throwing a relationship away so readily. i would suggest that you read as much as possible about dementia though. your FIL is probably going to become much more difficult and the more you understand about dementia the better equipped you will be to deal with the lies and tantrums. agitation in an elder usually stems from the loss of control in their lives. id let the old guy make his own decisions as much as possible. im not suggesting that you let him push you around but i can assure you that there will come a point where trying to reason with him will only result in frustration for the carers. just keep him safe and leave him to his delusional thinking. my mother once told me she couldnt sleep in her bedroom because it had no roof or ceiling. i told her that there was no rain projected for overnight so all would be fine. so yea, you have to be a little bit nuts to deal with dementia and its still a horrifying undertaking.

Bella, all we had to go on was your description, and now you've cleared that up.

There is no 'sorting this mess out', Bella, it is what it is. This old man isn't going to change. He fully expects compliance and to be taken care of, regardless of the cost to his son, or to you. He's already shown you his true colors. The 'calm' is a lie. It's just a matter of time before he reverts to type. These narcissistic types don't ever change...ever. Can I repeat that? Ever. You will not get appreciation for what you do, only more demands. You will not get thanks. All that man is interested in is what he wants and what's good for him, and a narcissist is a powerful enemy, fully capable of using any means necessary, including psychological warfare to get what they want and need...and what it costs you be damned. They don't have the capacity to CARE about you, they don't give a thought to YOUR needs, couldn't care less about it, it's all about them and what they need, always. You're damn right this man is vindictive, and he always will be. You can not...let me stress that again...can not REASON with these people, they aren't capable of reason. They're all bottomless pits of constant need, and they'll go to any lengths at all to suck you into being their slave for life, their life goal being about their own wants, and if they bleed you dry in the process, they don't have the ability to CARE. Never look for satisfaction, no matter what good you do for this man. If you do 99 things for him, he'll be dissatisfied because you didn't do 100, and he will pile the guilt on until you feel like a wrung out wreck and question your own sanity. Nothing, and I mean nothing, you give will ever in this life be ENOUGH. It's never enough for a narcissist. Just setting boundaries isn't enough....you'll think you've set boundaries, that the man will 'get it' and understand...and yeah, he may very well play that role...until he knows you aren't going anywhere. Then you'll be right back to square one. A narcissist is the ultimate actor when it suits them, capable of playing all kinds of roles to keep their poor victims sucked in, and God, they deserve academy awards for their performances. You'll constantly question yourself, wondering what you've done wrong...when really, it's not you at all, it's them, but they're so good at role playing and manipulation that eventually you really will start to believe that the trouble is you. If this man is a true narcissist you have absolutely no idea the hell on earth you're about to embark on. These types are like hyenas. They will tear you to shreds and wreck any peace of mind or happiness you have, using any weapon in their arsenal ...and they won't blink an eye while they bleed you to a bloody mental pulp.


I can already tell that when it comes to these types, you're a babe in the woods. You've gotten a very small taste of what's to come. Everyone here with experience with these monsters, yes monsters, knows what's up. Unfortunately, you'll find out the hard way. I wish you the best of luck. You'll need it in spades. And if it's so ingrained in your man's mind that taking care of his dad is his DUTY, bet that will override any concern for you in the long run, and no matter how hard things get he'll fully expect you to suck it up and deal. If he's incredibly strong that won't happen. And I personally find it hard to believe that he didn't know about his dad's character before he moved you there. He grew up with the man. He had to have some clue about his personality before you got there. I'm almost positive that he's always known his dad was a nasty customer. How in the world could he not?

Well, live and learn. Best of luck.

Just to clear up some of the newer replies...the basement isn't exactly a dungeon. It is the lower level of the house and fully finished and has separate bedroom, living room, laundry room and full bath. It provides more privacy from "dad". My fiancé has not lived with his father since high school, (fiancé is 41) and was not aware of how bad his father's behavior had gotten as the only contact we have had has been 2 weeks visit at Christmas and weekly phone calls. He has firmly and repeatedly stated that if he had known it was like this we never would have moved. He apologizes to me nearly every day. He is not at his father's beck and call, we discussed moving for 2 years before we moved here. He is ashamed of how his father manipulated BOTH of us to move here, in no fashion is he sitting idly by "letting" this happen to us. He is just as stressed as I am. He is NOT a boy, and he is a good person, not someone who drug me here and expected me to tolerate this. Personally I do not see any reason why I should feel forced to defend him. He is just as involved in trying to sort this mess out as I am. Yes there is a very big cultural difference, children are expected to care for their parents as they age. Traditionally it is the responsibility of the eldest male child to support/care for the parents, but he has his own issues to deal with. Even though this isn't my cultural belief, it is taken seriously in their culture. As far the both of us leaving, as I stated earlier, "dad" is very vindictive and we worry that he will burn the house down if he has to cook his own meals (its my fiancé's house, not his fathers). Sorry if this seems kind of gruff, but looking through all of these posts blaming/degrading my fiancé is very bothersome to me because he really didn't know what we were walking into and he is doing everything that was suggested to us by our counselor and advice from here. We know that we made mistakes about moving here, but we are here now and have to find a way to make it work so that we can continue with our lives. I asked for advice, not to hear that I should immediately leave my fiancé for moving me here, or that he isn't a man or that I shouldn't marry him..etc etc. My fiancé did nothing wrong other than having a jerk for a father. Reading all the negative things about my fiancé repeatedly kinda wrecked the relief I get from this site :(

As others have said, whatever the FIL's condition now, the worse conditions will come later as he ages. Sooner or later he will need to live somewhere else. While your fiance agrees to counseling, and the FIL is at least playing nice, might be a time to start taking steps toward finding him a place. Could all three go to a counselor, who could evaluate his condition and tell you what your options might be?

In the meantime, I agree that YOU should get out. Perhaps to some nearby location where your fiance can still see you any time he is willing to leave the FIL for a while -- so he is not sucked entirely into the FIL's world.

Also I agree with Veronica. If you/he/they are from another culture, maybe with enough shopping you can find a counselor who is experienced in such situations. Maybe you could ask someone at your church to recommend someone?

I agree with others that the only hope for a healthy marriage will be to get your fiance well out of the FIL's 'range', but maybe this can be done in stages.

Bella; I'm truly glad to hear that things are better BUT; I keep going back to the fact that you and your fiance moved from a stable situation, jobs etc without investigating what was going on with "dad". This suggests to me a "he beckons, fiance does his bidding" relationship that has deep and longstanding roots. Tread carefully and stand your ground.

I don't know how to put this tactfully without sounding racist or offending anyone.
Is there a cultural aspect to this unpleasant situation? Does your FIL and fiancée come from a culture other than Western? That is about as delicately as I can put it.
Apart from that I won't repeat everything that everyone has advised. I totally agree

And please, don't be offended about what I said about your fiancée. I'm thinking about how I, personally, would react if any man dragged me into such a situation. I'd have walked after the first couple of days, and my respect for any man introducing me into such a hell would have been non existent. No man, imo, that loves me, cares about me and wants what's best for me, would ever expect me to deal with, or take care of, HIS family member. There are stories here about wives that got MIL's, and FIL's, dumped on them and are fully expected by these men to toe the line and deal. Hell would freeze first if any man tried that with me. I took care of my own mother over a decade. I'd divorce any man, or run for the hills and never look back if I wasn't married to him, if this kind of situation, or expectation ever came up. Once was plenty. Never, ever again, not for any man on the planet.

You say things have gotten slightly better. That's the calm before the storm. Any narcissist is capable of playing a role, the 'nice' guy role, if they suspect they're losing their 'prey'. It's just an act and means absolutely nothing. As soon as this old fart thinks he's secure again with the two of you, all hell will break loose once again. That's just the way it is, the way it always will be. A narcissist will calm down just long enough to keep you sucked in, and when they've got you, they revert back to type. You're in for a battle that has no end. I wish you the best. You're going to need it.

You think you're hurting now? Marry this guy you're engaged to and you'll be hurting until the day his worthless father dies. This is no man you're thinking about marrying, you're thinking about marrying a little boy. No good man would ever expect you to deal with this nasty customer one minute of one damn day, stuck living in a basement, treated like shit, and I don't care how 'nice' you say he is. Unless you actually LIKE living in the basement, pack your stuff and get the hell out of dodge because that WILL become your life. Give your fiancée a choice. YOU, or the father. And see what happens. If he chooses his father and lets you walk, you know all you need to know about this nice guy. . If this old man is a narcissist, well, nothing will ever change. You're dealing with a bottomless pit of need and manipulation, control, bullshit and lies and everlasting nastiness that will be with this old bastard till the day his sorry ass dies. If you choose not to leave, welcome to Hell itself....and you've just gotten a taste so far. It'll get a whole lot worse. No mere words here can prepare you for the utter mental and emotional insanity and destruction that that old man will wreak on your lives. If you don't believe that a narcissist is capable of that, you'll find out the hard way and wish you hadn't. I wish you the very best of luck. Again, get out while you can. And that's the best advice ever.

Way to go! Really glad to hear your update and that things are looking better. Kudos!

Bella67 I'm so glad your situation has improved. You must be so relieved. Don't turn back!

Glad to say that after a couple weeks of intensive boundaries, walking away when "dad" starts picking a fight, and calling him out on his narcissistic storytelling and things have become slightly calmer around the house. We have made a stand together as a united front (fiancé and I) and have taken control of the household back. I listened to everyone's advice, did some reading/research, talked to therapist and the bottom line is that I could not have made it thru this rough spot without all of your help. Thank you all very much to everyone who offered advice! This site is awesome!

Please listen to the voices of experience here that are telling you to get out out of this. Now. So many of us who post on this site do not have a choice, and have endured years and years of the behavior you describe, and with no end in sight. You are really not trapped in this at all, except by your own reluctance to leave; you are still a fiance, not a wife, and this is not your father. You have no obligations here; save yourself if your fiance continues to be unwilling to do
anything. Research is informative, but not helpful; it does not change the day to day situation and cannot change it. Labeling the behavior does not improve the behavior. This truly is early to mid dementia and the behavior will never get better--it will only get worse, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop the progression. There is no reasoning with these people; they really do not have the ability either to reason or to change--even if they wanted to, which many don't.
SAVE YOURSELF. NOW.

I hope you are listening, really listening to the advice you are getting on this problem. Come up from the basement and get out of that situation. There are plenty of places which help women in horrible situations. Find one. Get help, but most of all GET OUT of there!

Why can't Dad get an appartment since it is not his home? Or assisted living? Sounds like he might be affected by some dementia or other mental health issues with the stories he is telling.
There is a difference between helping and enabling.
If he will not make any significant changes, you will have to stay out of the relationship, physically and emotionally and just let your fiancee deal with it his own way.
Your fiancee is used to being abused. You are not. Try to give him the courage to be a leader.
For your relationship to work he needs to put you ahead of his father.
Why does he think it is a good thing to enable continuing abusive behavior? As a kid he just gave in to survive, but he's not a kid anymore.

That is a very good book, I read it. Also read Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride, excellent.

Not sure if this book that was recommended by someone on another question would help. Children of the Self Absorbed A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, Second Edition.
Much success to you in figuring out what to do.

Listen to Twizard. Run. This is a toxic situation.

Twizard, gives you some very, very good information. Please read and reread their statement. He/She is exactly correct.

Bella first off I would suggest that you have you potential father-in-law evaluated because is actions seem similar to that of my grandfathers who suffered from Picks Disease (a.k.a. Frontal Lobe Dementia) in that his personality shifted to a more childlike egocentric one. But truth be told from the information you have provided he is probably just a self-centered individual who has had it too good for too long and has gendered role stereotypes too ingrained into his system. If it is the latter then I am currently going through something similar with my grandmother, although it is a less severe case. Here is my suggestion for you:
1. Tell your fiancee that your current environment is unhealthy (give him details) and then give your fiancee an ultimatum that he has to choose which is more important to him right now, you a woman who loves him or a father who clearly doesn't need your assistance.
2. If he chooses his father then leave him because that type of environment is toxic and will only lead to you having health issues. If he chooses you then move out and be at least an hour away from his father, get his father a maid (the father will pay for the maids services), suggest that you visit every 2-3 weeks to check on the father (this allows you some down time and also the option of you skipping a visit if required).
3. Again if he choose you take actions to make sure that he does not fall into this type of pattern. He grew up in that environment and kids learn through observation so even though he might be great he might fall into the same pattern as his father. Evenly divide the household chores between the two of you and make sure the are not divide by gender stereotypes Require that he cook supper twice a week, alternate who does that household cleaning and who does the dishes (the rule I have is if you cook then the other person does the dishes).

Bella I hope this helps and that that things work out the way that you want them to.

Good Luck