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Hope, how does this lady travel? Is she is her own car or what?
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The particular person the thread kind of turned on has her own car. I think I drifted from the topic of just making a general comment about folks who show up and don't seem to understand it is time for them to go to my complaining about one person in particular and I hate that, because while she is exasperating, and I have made every effort to make her understand I need my rest, I really didn't mean the thread as a commentary on that one person. I think we ALL have folks who come and stay and don't seem to want to go. That was what I was commenting on in general. How other folks felt about it. (folks who won't leave...not my folks who won't leave...lol)
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Hope22,
I sooooo understand what you are saying.
Some people are really unwilling or unable to take the hint.
Like you, I'm not a doormat but.............I don't like to cause waves.......which will ultimately make my life miserable.

For me, there appears to be no answer.................except to wait out this caregiver journey until it's over.
I continue to feel uncomfortable to leave my house when BIL stops by ......
........so I am just trapped.
........Until it's over.

Again, thanks much - for posting this question.
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I have gone the route of being firm about a lot of things...and being so blunt about some things that I think I have offended some people. None of that was my intent, and I don't want people who love Mama to feel like they can't come because they can't get past her sentry (me)..ha...but...a lot of it is just common sense and people never having "been here" so they don't understand that most of the time, any down time we might eek out is so precious and the last think I want or feel like doing is entertaining folks...

But a lot of this journey is just one that is a one day at a time deal. Mama is not a burden. I have lost my fanny financially, but that is ok as it was my choice to be here and I knew that was going to happen long term ...and I will say I am so happy to still have Mama with me...worth way more than any of the financial acoutrements I might have had along the way in this life. I always find a way to make it and when and if that time comes I know I will again. I love being able to care for Mama. She is a joy, and always was a loving and sweet Mama....she is rarely ever sharp tongued or hurtful to me, but when she is, I know that is not her. I don't take it to heart....I know she would never otherwise do it...I find that the more cheerful I am around her and with her, the happier she is and the better she does....which I know is why fussing at her is so wrong and just not the way to go here....again, I'm off topic, but the, Mama is my topic and the only reason I am here anyway...I just invited my "visitor" to cook out Monday. She is worried about her upcoming tests, so I am paying it forward... :)
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It is so interesting how taking care of someone gives us opportunities to deal with others in a whole new way. When we are on our own we tend to navigate around the things we prefer not to experience. We have our comfort zone but once we begin to work outside ourselves these things come up. So often I have to get really assertive with someone or a company to get things done that I would otherwise let go. I am not sure what the arrangements are with the sitter? But from what you said it all sounds like boundaries. 1: Sitter late no call, little consideration/responsibility. (Sitter has you on the ropes: Say: "Thank you no thank you - I no long need you today".) You don't need anyone like this in your situation. There are plenty of good responsible people out there. 2: Hanging out is a sign that the person is clueless to why you asked them to come in the first place, they may just being trying to justify getting paid, waiting to be paid or some signal that you accept their total lack of fulfillment of their duties and feel relieved of any wrong doing. 3: Sitter is abusing you. Do you want the sitter to abuse you? 4: Everything that happens is an opportunity to make changes, corrections and adjustments as to how you decide that you want the situation to be. Try website: Care.--- for you next sitter.
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Here is the phrase to remember: " Thank you so much for coming, Now I must get on with my to do list. I will call you and let you know when I need you again or Let's talk later in the week (for friends). Part B: (if they don't go) I really must say good-bye. I've got so many things to do. Practice this to yourself aloud until you feel comfortable saying it and you own it.
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Giving hints is the opposite of assertive communication. I am sorry that you do not understand what I mean by assertive communication, and seem to have taken offense as I assure you none was intended. Few (or maybe even none) of us are ever taught proper assertive communication by family or the education system, and so it is a skill that we must ourselves choose to learn by other sources, i.e. specific training. Hinting is not a good or effective way to communicate your needs and desires to someone. Believe me I wish that it were as it is so much more comfortable to do, but it just doesn't work in a lot of cases! I am wishing you the best and do not mean any offense towards you, we are all in the same or similar boats.
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LOL...no hoping...it is just that I have gone the assertive route and the hint route...neither work with some folks...the last time another one of my pop ins showed up on a day when I had a bad migraine, I met her at the door and stepped outside with her and told her, thank you for coming, but this is not a good day for a vist. Mama is fine but I have a severe migraine....she did leave, but it just all seems so ridiculous that folks don't have enough common sense to call first....I was taught that from a very early age...Maybe popping in is normal and it is me who is not normal..good ness knows I don't feel very normal anymore... :)
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Hope I would tell everyone who might "pop in" that your schedule with your mom is so erratic and unpredictable, that you only open the door to planned visits. Between meals, baths, fixing hair, meds, naps, blah blah blah, you just can't promise to be around or available if they drop in unannounced. Then just don't open the door if they haven't called first. Tell them you didn't hear them, you were with your mom in the back part of the house/basement/wherever you might not hear the doorbell. Don't let others ruin your already difficult schedule. You don't owe it to them! After you do that to some of the denser folks 2-3X, they'll get the message. Some people you have to hit in the head with a 2X4 to get their attention! If they're that dense, I do NOT feel bad about hitting them with that proverbial 2X4, LOL.
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lol...what I wouldn't give to do that to some folks...haha....just thinking of it makes me smile...thanks for that!!! :)
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