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And GA, he does not have DPOA. Mom refuses. Just hope she cooperates with the move.
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Dagan, can she move into the new place immediately, without any time back at your place? It might be worthwhile putting her up in a hotel until the housing is ready rather than having her back in your house.
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I found Mom a place about a mile from me a small moblie home perfect for her. So why do i still feel like a piece of crap. I am feeling a bag of mixed emotions. Happy relieved scared sad all in one. Weird
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Totally understand, Dagan. Spoke to my mother yesterday and it was like speaking with a normal person - so I felt guilty about being so negative about her. It's all learned behaviour, Dagan, so it gets impossible to enjoy time with a manipulative parent because in the back of your mind you know it won't be long before you're back to the same old, same old ...

Be kind to her but don't run around after her, keep your distance and most importantly look after yourself. Good luck!
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Those need to be worked through with a therapist and the sooner, the better. That will bring serenity to your conflicted state.
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Last 10 days are a blur I think that I had a minor breakdown of sorts.Taking care of a elderly parent is not easy. Even though things seem to be coming together I find i am spending my days depressed.
I pray the coming days and weeks will bring a balance back into my life and I will once again smile and find purpose and reason for all that has happened these past 10 days.
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Give some serious thought to anti-depressants - just to get you over this hump, Dagan.
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Dagan, please go see your doctor. Take care of YOU for the next 10 days at least :)
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I have an app on Thursday to talk to a doctor and not my family doctor. I need to talk to someone about what i did to my wife Having her bear the load.
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Good for you. Take care and come back and let us know how it's going.
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Marriage counseling should also be considered. Five years of caregiving an abusive mother-in-law takes a toll on a human being. I do not see you and your wife picking up where you leff off without in depth counseling.
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Dagan, I'm glad you're seeing someone about the emotional conflicts you feel.

You might also check local hospitals to see if they have caregiver support groups; sometimes the AL and SNF facilities do as well. I've found that the most support groups are generally with the larger hospitals in an area with good medical facilities, such as Ann Arbor, but that's too far from Monroe. The Henry Ford Hospital system is another large one and it may have some support groups.

Wishing you peace in your heart as you travel this strange new journey.
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So glad you have found a place.

Can you explain how it works for $400? Any assistance?

Good luck. (the devil, as you know , is in the details...)
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She will have meals on wheels and there is a program through the V A her social worker is going to set up where some one comes by 3 times a week to check on her and help her with anything she has a need for. And we can get her Medicaid back on track also i am only 5 minuets away.
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Forgot the V A thing is a free service because my Dad was a vet and the meals on wheels is also a free service.
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Thanks for clarifying, Dagan.I am very happy for you.

How does your mom feel about being on her own?

About your depression. It is only natural. You are exhausted . The suggestions to get help, personal and marriage counseling, are good ones. In the midst of a crisis in 2008, I started therapy and all I could say afterwards was: why did I wait so long?

In the meantime, may I offer the "fast rack" to feeling better? It is gratitude. No matter what happens, there is always something to be grateful for--and that attitude of gratitude (don't laugh) really lightens the spirits. In your case, you can be grateful that:

your wife hung in there for five years!

she seems to be on your side and happy about the new arrangement,

you seem to be healthy (what a gift!),

you seem to be intelligent (only an intelligent person would see through your mom's co-dependence as clearly as you have)

you seem to be a problem solver and a seeker of help,

you seem to be strong and resilient,

you found this site,

you found help from the VA and meals on wheels,,

you found a place for your mom,

you are still young enough to have a great many happy years.

Good luck!
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Dagan and others, I found this post through another. Dagan, do take care of yourself, you are dealing with so much right now with both your wife and mom. I am glad you found somewhere close for your mother. Do your best not to feel guilty, and work on your marriage. {{{{Dagan}}}}
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Thank you all again i would never wish this delima on anyone. It has not been easy for me or my wife. But with help and the grace of god we will all come out of this better people.
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Dagan, How are things going???????? Keep us updated on your progress!!!
Take care!
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Good luck Dagan, living 5 minutes away from someone who needs daily care can be time consuming. I know. I hope she can have her needs met with the assistance you have arranged.
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Hi Dagan, Please remember this time. 5 minutes away for a manipulative person could see you at her beck & call. Set boundaries Now and stick with them.
Agree with marriage guidance & counselling but would suggest also that you "woo" your wife again. Remind her why she stuck by you through this, by being a loving, lovely partner now.
Also give yourself a break All children a pre-programmed for guilt! Believe me I had 2 parents who so badly abused me as a child that I'm severely disabled with mental health issues and I still took care of them at each of their ends of life. 1 for 6 years & 1 thankfully only for 1 year directly but 5 years at a distance.
Good luck for all your futures.
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Thank you very much and i have stood strong with the help of my wife and my doctor I sought out a therapist and have my second session tomorrow @ 6 pm I spent 1 1/2 hours with him on my first visit and he helped open my eyes to alot of things.
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It will be interesting to see how well your mom actually does on her own--I'm sure it hasn't been easy to draw the line between what she could do and what she can't. Actually, this will the way to find out--and don't be too eager to do anything for her that she could do for herself. Might be the best thing for her; and everyone will find out how capable or incapable she really is.
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Well done Dagan :~) Be gentle with yourself too. This situation didn't get created overnight. Give yourself a little time & space to reflect on the information you find out about yourself & others. It's ok to take time to evaluate what your learning and find a way (if you want to, because it's ok to reject stuff too) to put it into your new life. After writing to you before I was thinking about times with my late partner. We were together 20 years and planning our wedding when he died without warning. We didn't always have much money, but once a week (not always same day) we'd have what I guess now would be called a date day/night.
We'd take a walk together (I could still walk then), no where special just out and talk about anything/everything. We'd play games from childhood, cook for each other. Listen to music, read books together looking up from the pages just to smile at each other. In today's busy life it's good to take time for simple pleasures. Now I'm widowed I have those memories to look back on.
After the hurt of the last 5 years maybe you & your wife might like to try this.
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Dagan,

I'm glad to read of your progress. Your delima and journey take place more often than you might think.

You have been given wonderful advice and I definitely agree with the idea of wooing your wife back. I'm glad you are in therapy and will see this person again soon.

Your hands a very full with both unpacking what you have been and are going through with new insights, plus rebuilding from where you are now with your wife who sounds like a very wonderful person that you have been blessed with.

One suggestion that I have often given people in a rebuilding wooing stage is to think of the things that you did together at the start of your relationship and try dong some of those once again. Overall, I think far too many couples get so caught up in the serious stuff of adult responsibilities that we forget to breathe, loosen up and date each other, So, try gong out on some dates both planned and spontaneous and enjoy being alive and with each other in whatever you two do.

I wish you the very best in all of the various dynamics of this whole situation.
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Dagan,

Please, please do let us know how your mom does. I am really interested to hear how she handle s being on her own.

When I left my first husband I was sure he would commit suicide. He had become so completely dependent on me for everything. No such thing . a few weeks later he was Mr. Responsibility, paying his own bills and handling life. It was I who had been the weak one, submitting, bowing and scraping. I was co-dependent.

Good luck to you and your mom! And wife, of course!
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Dagan,

You and your wife have been through so daggone much concerning your mom, I think I'd keep her at an emotional and physical safe distance while you focus how daggone much remains on your own place both as an individual and as a married man. I hope you don't mind the play on words but daggone, Dagan, you have survived quite a daggone trying journey so far that is not over yet. So, take some daggone good care of you and your wonderful wife, daggone it, ya'll deserve it! :)
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The big move is this Sunday and I can not wait. My loving Mother told me before I left for work yesterday morning. That the wrong son died last October that it should have been me not my brother. Maybe when she is in her own place I will feel better time will tell I guess
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A loving mother would never say such abusive words! I'm not sure that I would have anything more to do with her. I hope you will talk about that statement from your mom with your therapist.
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I think you will feel better with her out of your house, out of your life and with continuing work in therapy out of your head. That's the hardest part.

I am very happy for you that she moving tomorrow. Move her out and move on with your own life.

If someone were in my house who wished that I had died, I would fulfill their wish after moving them out by living like a dead person as far as her, but live like an alive person otherwise.

Loving mother's don't wish such things like she said. They don't abuse their DIL and they are not homewreckers who damage marriages.
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