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okay I picked my wife up on my birthday on the 26th of September. And things are going great we have our home back and life is good. I have to thank all of you who helped me with excellent advice and words of encouragement.

Ole mom has tried to foil this from happening but I have stood firm and strong in my mission to never let anyone or anything to ever come between my and my wife ever again. Again THANK YOU ALL...
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Woo HOOOOO for you and mom. Lord let it STICK!!!!!! AMEN!!!
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Looooove oldcodgers answer above. WE MATTER TOO, and that is NOT being selfish. It's being real.
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Yes, date your wife.

Even the Bible says to leave ones father and mother and cleave to each other. Keep up the leaving and the cleaving just don't confuse who is the object of which verb.

I hope you are still seeing your therapist for I'm sure from experience that the ongoing journey is going to need this.

Take care, and I wish you and your awesome wife the very best!
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Dagan369 - No one should feel compelled to care for another person if it destroys their own life and marriage. Period. Do whatever it takes to get your mom on Medicaid and placed in a N. H. Be a good son and visit her often. That is where the care giving ends. CAREGIVER LIVES MATTER!! One life is NOT more important than another and NO ONE should see their marriage disintegrate in order to give a parent what they want. Move your mother out and then call/beg your wife to see you and 'date' her again and fall in love again with life and each other. Best wishes to you for a happy ending.
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Glas half full,

His mom is in a new house, not the hospital.
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Do NOT let her come home from the hospital!!! Tell them that you can not care for her. Be strong. Medicare will cover first 20 day 100% and up to next 79 days at 80% ....have where ever she is placed for rehab and skilled nursing begin medicaid application right away. If you have to get a letter from your own doctor about how you are not physically or emotional able to care for her.

The hospital CAN NOT just discharge her to home without a care plan in place. If you can not care for her, then they have to find her a place....go visit some and help make a good a choice as you can. She won't be happy but she will be cared for and she will find a new normal...and plan infrequent visits at first so that she can get in the swing of the staff and rules at the facility.
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Your mom loves it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to be smiling and chuckling about this for weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good for you for taking action. Good for Judy for saying: enough, already.

Please stay in touch and give us updates.

Enjoy!
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So glad your Mum is happy, but if she changes her mind, your home is the wrong one!
I hope you & Judy have a wonderful time for the rest of your time together.
Sadly it won't be plain sailing, but at least you know that you've come through too much ever to founder.
Bless you both, use this time apart to take care of you too :~)
Then just don't ever stop dating. Hugs, Lucy
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Well Mom is in her own place and says she loves it. Lets hope she keeps on loving it. My first night alone cant wait to see my wife again It has been a long time and i want oct 3rd to come fast and I can go get my beautiful Judy and bring her home to our house now ......ALONE AT LAST ......
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That's so sweet! She surely deserves it.
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Thank you Lucy my wife is awesome and i will pamper her everyday for the rest of my life
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Your wife sounds like a fabulous lady.
I hope that you can use this time while you're apart
to make your home a really special welcoming place
for her to come home to.
Perhaps you could get her some really special bath/shower
stuff. Body lotion whatever you can to help this lovely lady
feel valued & pampered.
She's spent so much time caring for others, it would be lovely
to hear that your finding ways to care for her when she comes
home again.
Take care & good luck to you.
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Her comment strikes me as her thinking that she could have manipulated your brother more successfully. Don't take it personally--she's the one who blew what could have been a blessing.
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Try to not let your mother get under your skin with her hurtful comments. They are meant to get a rise out of you, create anxiety, anger and a knee jerk reaction, but I would not dignify anything she says with the least bit of outward swet.

That is very nice that your wife is helping your SIL while also helping herself to getting away from it all. I hope it will not be too much longer before she can return. You two need to be a connected team through this whole journey.

I hope you have some friends that you can do things with to help distract your mind away from mom and the house being empty.
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Your life matters. Bless your heart. Do what everyone has said and take the ateps to make sure mother dear goes abywhere but home with you. If she gets mad.....well.....she will just be mad. YOU still have your life to live. And i, too, am a caregiver....everyday...in my home....working full time, and caring for mom so i understand. But yours is quite different. Kudos to your wife and kudos to you for having the guts to share your anguish. Now....do something about it.
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Awesome! Good luck!
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She will have both home and cell phone
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Dagan, we are all hpoing for the best.

Cmagnum is right o be so outraged. Me, too.

At the same time, We have to remember two things:

1) she may have some dementia;

2) she is probably really angry/frightened about having to move.

Remember the story of my first husband--when forced to function for his own welfare, he surprised us all and did so. If she is not mentally impaired, she will probably do the same.

Will she have a land or cell phone?
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8 days will be 1 month since I have been able to hold my wife and I long for the day to hold her once again. Things like this make it easier for me and once she is gone that day of holding my wife will return.

Judy is a loving and giving woman right now she is seeing to my late brothers wife and her needs as she is recovering from a total hip replacement. And she made a promise to her and my late brother that she would take care of her until she is able to drive and get the things she will need food Dr. app. etc,,,

My wife was a gift to me from God she has told me many times we are soul mates and this time away from her has made me see that she is right I love her deeply and miss her so bad it hurts but she made a promise and i am okay with that, It shows me what a great woman God has brought to me
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I think you will feel better with her out of your house, out of your life and with continuing work in therapy out of your head. That's the hardest part.

I am very happy for you that she moving tomorrow. Move her out and move on with your own life.

If someone were in my house who wished that I had died, I would fulfill their wish after moving them out by living like a dead person as far as her, but live like an alive person otherwise.

Loving mother's don't wish such things like she said. They don't abuse their DIL and they are not homewreckers who damage marriages.
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A loving mother would never say such abusive words! I'm not sure that I would have anything more to do with her. I hope you will talk about that statement from your mom with your therapist.
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The big move is this Sunday and I can not wait. My loving Mother told me before I left for work yesterday morning. That the wrong son died last October that it should have been me not my brother. Maybe when she is in her own place I will feel better time will tell I guess
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Dagan,

You and your wife have been through so daggone much concerning your mom, I think I'd keep her at an emotional and physical safe distance while you focus how daggone much remains on your own place both as an individual and as a married man. I hope you don't mind the play on words but daggone, Dagan, you have survived quite a daggone trying journey so far that is not over yet. So, take some daggone good care of you and your wonderful wife, daggone it, ya'll deserve it! :)
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Dagan,

Please, please do let us know how your mom does. I am really interested to hear how she handle s being on her own.

When I left my first husband I was sure he would commit suicide. He had become so completely dependent on me for everything. No such thing . a few weeks later he was Mr. Responsibility, paying his own bills and handling life. It was I who had been the weak one, submitting, bowing and scraping. I was co-dependent.

Good luck to you and your mom! And wife, of course!
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Dagan,

I'm glad to read of your progress. Your delima and journey take place more often than you might think.

You have been given wonderful advice and I definitely agree with the idea of wooing your wife back. I'm glad you are in therapy and will see this person again soon.

Your hands a very full with both unpacking what you have been and are going through with new insights, plus rebuilding from where you are now with your wife who sounds like a very wonderful person that you have been blessed with.

One suggestion that I have often given people in a rebuilding wooing stage is to think of the things that you did together at the start of your relationship and try dong some of those once again. Overall, I think far too many couples get so caught up in the serious stuff of adult responsibilities that we forget to breathe, loosen up and date each other, So, try gong out on some dates both planned and spontaneous and enjoy being alive and with each other in whatever you two do.

I wish you the very best in all of the various dynamics of this whole situation.
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Well done Dagan :~) Be gentle with yourself too. This situation didn't get created overnight. Give yourself a little time & space to reflect on the information you find out about yourself & others. It's ok to take time to evaluate what your learning and find a way (if you want to, because it's ok to reject stuff too) to put it into your new life. After writing to you before I was thinking about times with my late partner. We were together 20 years and planning our wedding when he died without warning. We didn't always have much money, but once a week (not always same day) we'd have what I guess now would be called a date day/night.
We'd take a walk together (I could still walk then), no where special just out and talk about anything/everything. We'd play games from childhood, cook for each other. Listen to music, read books together looking up from the pages just to smile at each other. In today's busy life it's good to take time for simple pleasures. Now I'm widowed I have those memories to look back on.
After the hurt of the last 5 years maybe you & your wife might like to try this.
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It will be interesting to see how well your mom actually does on her own--I'm sure it hasn't been easy to draw the line between what she could do and what she can't. Actually, this will the way to find out--and don't be too eager to do anything for her that she could do for herself. Might be the best thing for her; and everyone will find out how capable or incapable she really is.
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Thank you very much and i have stood strong with the help of my wife and my doctor I sought out a therapist and have my second session tomorrow @ 6 pm I spent 1 1/2 hours with him on my first visit and he helped open my eyes to alot of things.
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Hi Dagan, Please remember this time. 5 minutes away for a manipulative person could see you at her beck & call. Set boundaries Now and stick with them.
Agree with marriage guidance & counselling but would suggest also that you "woo" your wife again. Remind her why she stuck by you through this, by being a loving, lovely partner now.
Also give yourself a break All children a pre-programmed for guilt! Believe me I had 2 parents who so badly abused me as a child that I'm severely disabled with mental health issues and I still took care of them at each of their ends of life. 1 for 6 years & 1 thankfully only for 1 year directly but 5 years at a distance.
Good luck for all your futures.
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