My mom (84) has lived with me (60) and my wife (56) for the last 5 years She was living alone So I, being the good son I, moved her in. And my wife was her caregiver for all those 5 years. Up until last Thursday when i got a call at work that she had left me under the stress of 5 years of being told your stupid get me this get me that do this don't do that among other horrid things.
Me and my wife love each other deeply and our marriage will survive If i can just find a place for Mom.
Hello mother, goodbye me.Goodbye us and our marriage I don't even know this angry, frustrated, and burned out man I see in the mirror. I just want to have my life back without guilt. I am the the only son left my brother passed away Oct of last year
I don't like this person I've become. How can I be this bitter? My mom has always loved me. She's been a good mom. So how can I resent her so much?
She can still get around with a walker but she won't. She sits in her chair and refuses to do anything for herself. She wants me to serve her - period. She won't eat at the table, she wont go outside, she just sits in her chair and when I come home from work she expects me to wait on her
My marriage can be saved but i just don't know what to do with mom. Funds are only 915 a month that's it with blue cross/medicare. She cant get Medicaid because she is in my home and they go by household income.
This is all new to me and i am lost as to what to do She is in the hospital right now and i am trying to have her placed into a nursing home medicare will cover 3 months and i can apply for her Medicaid then because she will be out of the home.
But i am getting this sick feeling that they are going to release her back onto me ruining any chance to get my wife back and put our marriage back together. I am met at every turn with six to eight waiting lists at places she can afford to live on her own. help i am losing my sanity and my hope
Take care!
How does your mom feel about being on her own?
About your depression. It is only natural. You are exhausted . The suggestions to get help, personal and marriage counseling, are good ones. In the midst of a crisis in 2008, I started therapy and all I could say afterwards was: why did I wait so long?
In the meantime, may I offer the "fast rack" to feeling better? It is gratitude. No matter what happens, there is always something to be grateful for--and that attitude of gratitude (don't laugh) really lightens the spirits. In your case, you can be grateful that:
your wife hung in there for five years!
she seems to be on your side and happy about the new arrangement,
you seem to be healthy (what a gift!),
you seem to be intelligent (only an intelligent person would see through your mom's co-dependence as clearly as you have)
you seem to be a problem solver and a seeker of help,
you seem to be strong and resilient,
you found this site,
you found help from the VA and meals on wheels,,
you found a place for your mom,
you are still young enough to have a great many happy years.
Good luck!
Can you explain how it works for $400? Any assistance?
Good luck. (the devil, as you know , is in the details...)
You might also check local hospitals to see if they have caregiver support groups; sometimes the AL and SNF facilities do as well. I've found that the most support groups are generally with the larger hospitals in an area with good medical facilities, such as Ann Arbor, but that's too far from Monroe. The Henry Ford Hospital system is another large one and it may have some support groups.
Wishing you peace in your heart as you travel this strange new journey.
I pray the coming days and weeks will bring a balance back into my life and I will once again smile and find purpose and reason for all that has happened these past 10 days.
Be kind to her but don't run around after her, keep your distance and most importantly look after yourself. Good luck!
1. Eviction. Dagan is in Michigan; so am I. We were told by either the police or a parole officer at one time that anyone can go to the Michigan Secretary of State and submit an address change, which means that address is then the address of record for that person. I wouldn't have believed it had I not been told by someone who knew the law.
So, yes, if Dagan's mother or he on her behalf had submitted a change of address to his place, technically he would have to evict her. Practically, this sucks. To have to evict one's own mother, regardless of the circumstances, just doesn't make any common sense. But then neither do some of the Michigan legislators.
2. Proof of income. Given that she was living with you, wouldn't she have gotten SS statements at your address? Couldn't that be used? And wouldn't any other statements of income have also come to your address? Frankly, at this stage of the game I don't think I'd go through the steps of asking her permission to get that information if it's already in her tax or personal files.
3. I don't remember without reading the entire thread whether or not she executed a DPOA naming you as her proxy. If she did, use that to get the income data from SS.
Whoops! Just read that you found a place for her, so all this above may be moot. Anyway, it's there in case it's relevant.
I would make breakfast and set it at the table. Same with dinner. If she doesn't "come and get it", then she doesn't eat. If she doesn't have denentia, this will result in new learning.
One of the questions you want to ask today is, have they done a workup for dementia. A real workup. Neuropsych testing, not a 3 minute memory test. Because if mom has dementia, then she shouldn't be alone and she won't learn new behaviors. And therefore needs to be in care.
Understand that the folks at the hospital only see this from your mom's point of view. To them, she's a sweet little old lady. Not the demanding, super cilia us Harridan you know and love. Yes, the hospital could place her in the UP. Play their game. Say yes, I understand that. It would be sad for that to happen, but my mom can't live with us anymore. She has destroyed my family. Jeanne's idea that their social worker should help mom find housing is an excellent one BECAUSE MOM CAN T LIVE HERE ANYMORE. You need to stand firm and not let them talk you into "just a few days". "My wife will be starting a new job and I work long hours. There will be no one at home. Mom needs to be around other people".
And yes, start the eviction immediately .
Good luck at the meeting today, Dagan. Perhaps you can ask how Mother can get a social worker assigned to help her find housing, because you are evicting her and cannot take the time from work to find her housing, plus you don't think she will accept anything you suggest.
Start the eviction process immediately. Get the clock running.
And get yourself some therapy. You deserve it!