I just turned 50 married for 29 years with 3 grown kids and my mom is 82 and always has been emotional abusive. She has 2 favorite older kids and out of 7 children is always pitting one against the other and complains why her children are not close. As I get older I can no longer tolerate her abuse and it takes a toll on my mental health. I have developed health issues and am trying to change my lifestyle and she continues to argue with me when I tell her that she is not supportive in my life. I always have good news to share and she only blocks it out with my siblings problems or hers. Out of 7 kids I am the only one married out of 6 girls and am always helping my siblings and their kids with money which my husband is tired of. I have had counseling recently several times only to come back to my mothers behavior. She puts me down for not coming around after she creates turmoil and blames whoever doesn't give her special attention afterward. I have given her expensive gifts and have always been a giving to her and my family. Even though my husband has been the worker. I am the only child besides my brother who is married and financially stable and kids are doing well. I want to leave her alone altogether and lately because I want change for myself and marriage and family I no longer want to deal with her anymore. As she ages it only gets worse. People often put down siblings that don't help as much as others but often times the ones that don't want to come around are the ones that can't continue taking the abuse over and over that they were raised with.
It will be difficult for you to remove your mother from your head and then from your life, but it will probably be your saving grace. I was in counseling for five years to help me with that step in life. Emotional abuse creates such a chain of reactions that become automatic after so much time.
You owe it to yourself, to your husband and to your children to seek joy in your life. If your mother is like my mother (and they sound like twins), she will block your joy at every opportunity. The turning one sibling against another has created voids in our lives that may never be filled, but we are working on it. No one has the right to rob you of your happiness.
I wish you luck and I hope you can find the strength to end a toxic relationship and find real happiness.
As she gets older it gets worse and she now trys to manipulate me as the primary caregiver. As I see from your post your mom is not living with you. Which is a good thing...No matter how hard you try you will never please her so do what is best for you! I wouldn't eliminate her entirely from your life. The guilt will be worse than the abuse..........So, having said that I personally would SET THE LIMITS AND THE TONE FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. by that I mean when she is nasty on the phone cut her short and say you are busy and have to go and hang up. She will probably yell at you the next time you do it but if you continue to do it and you tell her that you won't talk to her if she acts that way she will eventually get the hint! It worked for me. Tell her you will only call her or see her ex: once a week or whatever works for you and stick to it......If she still remains nasty make the time longer and tell her why..........She has become the child and you are now the parent so you have to handle her as you would one of your children......Set limits, take no abuse......She may talk about you in a nasty way to your siblings but tell them you are not interested in hearing what she has said. Ignorance is bliss....You will still have some guilt but that is human.....YOUR family comes first......Keep us all posted on how things are gooing! Good Luck
Reminds me of my mother. With a PhD in Child Abuse, she verbally and physically tortured her her to ensure their subservience. My sister Martha does what you do: gifts, money, being repository of her misplaced anger. Martha's answer is always "It's my mother, and I love her." I told her 2 things: (1) parents shouldn't spit children into the world and then expect them to pay for it; and (2) stop giving them downpayments for their acceptance. She wants to be loved, but doesn't see the motherly love she's looking for has a price tag attached to it. And she really can't afford it.
As for my Mom, last I saw her was April 16th. Everyone had dinner and a slice of her birthday cake but me. My sister Ivette tried to make me feel welcome. Mom said "Don't give him s__t, he's an ingrate." I grabbed my jacket and birthday gift and headed out the door. She did the whole "telenovela" act and said to everybody "You see how he treats me? ... I should've choked him between my legs when I had the chance." She's gotten older, but hasn't changed bit. My last words to her were "If every time I see you all you're going to do is make me feel worthless then there's no place for you in my life." She blurted "Forget I'm your mother." I told her "I'll do my best."
There was a sex worker in the corner who asked me if I wanted a date. Nauseated, I handed her the White Diamonds my mother was supposed to get. As I rode the cab to my home in Parkchester, I said to myself: "You're either a masochist or a sucker for punishment. What's wrong with you?" ... As authoritative and empathetic I am with my sons and grandchildren, I seem to lose my self-respect when faced with that terrorist who calls herself mother, father, and best friend of all her children.
Taking the gift back served notice I'm not taking her abuse anymore. When I think about not seeing her again is a relief and makes me feel good. ... And I can spend that time with people who do love and care about me.
If anyone has answers for this one, I'm also interested.
I only have one sibling, who lives out of state, but considering that you have 6 other siblings, I'm wondering if you should step back and let some of them support financially and emotionally.
I do understand the 'ongoing' abuse. They don't change. My father is the same way. I have had to set my '''boundaries''' with him. Boundaries are good and healthy for your mind! I call it a 'family vacation'. Can't always be around it. Set your own boundaries for yourself. It's okay. I have no respect for my father. However, I need to be around him, due to my mom's cancer. (she by the way is my best friend). Makes it very tough to NOT bring in the tension around her. My mom always encouraged me to ''kill em' with kindness'' ... in any given 'bad' situation. So I do that for mom. It's tough too.
I understand.
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My parents used to have loud arguments over my father's drinking. I was maybe 7 or 8 and I can remember being so frightened that I would just pull the covers over my head. I promised myself that when I got married and had kids that I would never yell at my wife. I never did. Even bad experiences can lead to one's own improvement.
You are not responsible for your mother's hateful behavior. You did not cause her to be what she has become but maybe she is not responsible either. None of us knows why other people are what they are but that doesn't mean that we, as individuals, must take those burdens on ourselves. I hope that you can stop torturing yourself and just focus on your own family, promising yourself that you will never become your mother.
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