My dad had to surrender his drivers license due to cognitive decline. My mom still drives but is not confident behind the wheel. They were told he could not drive but didn’t agree with the decision. While driving in town I saw my parent’s car in the other lane with my dad driving. I went over to their home later and took the car keys. At this point I will not give them back to my mom. She tells me she won’t let my dad drive but I feel I can’t trust her to remember (she has some memory issues as well). Do I trust that she will not give the keys to my dad and give her the keys back? Or do I hold my ground and refuse to hand them over? Their doctor and I both explained that if my dad is in an accident that they can lose all of their assets.
Do you have power of attorney for them? If so, I'd get the car off their property entirely -- out of sight, out of mind.
Don't cave on this. You'd hate for one of them to not only lose their assets but for one of them to kill someone or each other.
That being said, as Fawnby said, if they were managing their day-to-day by driving themselves places - they will need to backfill that somehow- whether that is with grocery deliveries and scheduled rides (uber, senior rides, friends, church volunteers, you if you have time, etc) planned activities, etc or however that can be managed - OR if that means it is time to consider a move to an AL where they will have additional assistance.
What is the saying? The hard part is over, now the hard part begins...
thank you for your reply
You do need to figure a way for them to have the independence they desire. On the other hand, it might be time to consider moving them to a facility that can take care of them, yet allow their independence.
I think you dodged a huge bullet when you took the keys away from them. Congratulations and good job!
So, the 'no longer driving' dilemma remains a HUGE issue for us caregivers with such elder parents.
My mom went into the urgent care center a few blocks from her house; the staff clearly saw that she shouldn't have been driving (she lived alone), and reported it to the DMV. The DMV peremptorily cancelled her license. Cool--that took the burden off of her children, who'd been fretting but not doing anything up to that point. My younger sister (not the regular caregiver) came in as the 'good cop' and agreed to help my mom petition to get it back. I was the live-in caregiver and have never forgiven her that stunt. Luckily, in the end, it was such a tedious process that my sister simply dropped it, and my mom eventually just stopped talking about it.
I don't have children, but if I did, I'd never be a jerk about stopping driving, as I know that it's one of the top problems adult children have with their aging parents.
However, maybe the thing to say, when the issue is brought up, is reminding them "While driving in town I saw my parent’s car in the other lane with my dad driving." Then point out... all it takes is having a head-on collision and someone be killed instantly! What if you are the other driver and both of you killed? If your mom is in the car... then it could be three of you. Even worse, if she isn't in the car... could she live with losing both of you. Keep reminding them that no family should have to live with losing their loved one(s) when it could have been easily avoided. The life you save, may be your own!
When my father stopped driving, I bought the car from him and that way he got to ride in it occasionally. My husband stopped driving after an accident where I was the driver. It wasn't even a serious one but the stress caused him to react in ways that had he been the driver, no one would have believed he was fine before the accident. That convinced me right there, had he been the driver we could have been sued for everything based on the opinion of everyone that he should have not been driving even though he was perfectly fine before the accident.
Even if no one is injured, if the other driver learns he has memory issues it can be used against him in court. So yes, losing a life is the worst case scenario but losing all your assets can still happen even when no one is even injured.
Perhaps arranging a set schedule for them to be taken to stores, appointments, pleasure outings etc ( notice I said arrange, not that YOU must do it all) will give them a way to ease into the change without feeling the full impact of loss of control over when they go and come . Protect yourself and them. You are doing the right thing.
My 94 yo father with macular degeneration was driving up until two years ago because his eye doctor signed off for that he could drive in NYC certain hours of the day when the roads are not so congested.. (There is never a good time to drive in NYC). I was astounded that a doctor could be that stupid. We just figured the doctor would not sign off in his license renewal. It was clear my dad could not see well, not to mention his reflexes were not good.
After many subsequent arguments about his hanging up the car keys we had his granddaughter ask if she could buy his car because she needed a good used one. He actually was magnanimous and gave it to her. Thankfully our story ended well.
It seems as if both your parents are no longer able to make the best and highest good judgment calls, and that is where you, with POA, must step in to keep them safe and out of harms way.
And it is time, not 'perhaps time', to have them start a new living arrangement in AL. To get my 93 yo mother to start considering it, I first went and looked at ALL the available options in the area - that way I could narrow down the list of places that might be seriously considered by her. The list was narrowed down to 6 possibilities. All of the facilities that were possibilities offered tours and also a lunch or dinner option the day of the tour. After a year of 'gradual touring' (meaning one a month or every other month), she finally agreed that it might a good idea. We started the process by a gradual downsizing (going through clothing, kitchen stuff, garage stuff, etc) so she felt she had more of a say in things. Unfortunately, she fell and broke her femur several months prior to the actual move, and the resulting surgeries and rehab were too much for her 95 year old body and she passed away before making the move.
Your dad's cognitive decline will prevent him from making rational and logical decisions (including understanding the ramifications of driving), and your mother, with beginning memory issues, has deferred to him all her married life, and is hesitant to make such a life changing decision that would disrupt your dad's life. Especially when it involves leaving their home to a place that might be considered, in their minds, their final place. As long as they stay in their home, they can overlook the obvious and also, don't have to admit their decline to themselves.
Perhaps start by taking your mother with you on a tour or two of AL facilities that would meet/exceed their expectations and yours. Actually seeing the places definitively helped my mother see that the places of today were not the places of yesterday. Having your mother on the same page might help with transitioning your dad to AL.
That all said, with both your parents cognitive declines, make sure you are active with supervising and managing their finances.
My own brother drove until he had a bad accident, and was thankful afterwards that he was the only one injured. At that time, during hospitalization he was evaluated and diagnosed with probable early Lewy's Dementia. That changed everything at once.
You can speak to your Dad about diagnostic workups, about his driving, about your intention to report him, and encourage your mom not to be in the car with him. With her uncertainty she should not be driving, either.
I am really sorry. This may come down to Dad knowing this only after an accident, and I greatly hope no one gets hurt. A totaled care on the other hand would not be a bad thing.
I had to sell his vehicle to get him into a NH with memory care because I had to spend down his finances to get him onto Medicaid. We still tell him he has his vehicle and its out at his sister in law's. His driver's license has been expired now for 3yrs.
You can't trust your parents especially if both of them show decline you did the right thing.
Prayers
I drive locally during the day and in decent weather. I avoid freeway driving or unknown territory. I've used delivery or curbside pickup, especially during COVID, but prefer to select my own groceries and personal care items. I haven't used Uber. I would hope that OP's Mom could retain her car keys. If she is able to clearly understand the financial implications--to say nothing of any injuries resulting from an accident--I think she could be convinced not to give the keys to her husband. (I'm assuming that domestic abuse isn't in the picture.) Driving, if it can be done safely, helps to preserve an older adult's independence and lessens the care burden on family.
I certainly wouldn't for a moment believe that your mother could keep the keys from your father if you were to hand them back to her. Memory issues of her own or no, if he won't let little things like not having a licence stop him she's hardly going to be able to stand in his way, is she?
Did you try to discuss the situation with them or did you "storm in, grab the keys possibly yelling "mom, the doctor just got done telling us that dad should not drive anymore. I can't trust either of you now!"
I (and I hate to say this) would return the keys but I would put an airtag on them or other device so you know where they are and maybe check to see who is driving. If you live in a small town and the police know your parents you might want to give them a heads up that if they see dad driving they should stop them.
Taking the keys away leaves your mom "stranded" and unable to run errands.
Is it possible that the reason she is "not confident" behind the wheel because your dad did all the driving, possibly even commented on her driving so that she remained dependent upon him?
Leaving mom without a way to get to the store also puts more of a burden on you or other family members to take up the slack and do all the errands that mom could probably still do.
I know if my parents were in the same situation, my mother would never stop my Dad from driving, even if his license was taken away. The only way I could have stopped them was to take the keys or car away.
If you feel that you mother can't make decisions to keep them and others safe, I would keep the keys. If you return them and see your Dad driving, I would report it as it is a huge risk.
you contact them.
In my area my husband lost his license and then had an incident driving.
The police instructed me to take the keys away to prevent
an accident or getting lost.