The title says it all. Now my father has dementia. I flew out west to help him a few weeks ago and in the midst of trying to explain that we needed to use his money to pay for care, he went crazy on me and tried to hit me ... again, just like when I was I kid. I hate the man but I was willing to do my duty as his daughter until this last episode. The way he raised me ruined most of my life and lead to my sister's suicide. I am no longer willing to help him.
My question is how do I walk away? Is there an agency or something that can keep an eye on him. His property and savings don't come to more than $250k, which won't be enough for his long term care. I can't help financially as I have my own burdens. What happens now? Can anyone give me some guidance? Thanks.
You could start by trying to reach out to the county social service system through the area council on aging. They are probably not going to be a lot of help unless he qualifies as low income, which it appears he doesn't at this point. But they may have resources that can help so they are the best place to start.
The other option is to hire a fee-for-service geriatric care manager that would take on this burden for you. You could pay him or her out of your dad's finances, if you have access to them. You can get his needs met and yours by turning to professionals. You just need to be persistent in finding the right fit for you.
Your situation is not unique but most people suffer in silence. I applaud you for reaching out and asking for help. Good luck...
Coming from a family with a very, very narcissistic father and a very narcissistic mother, I can tell you this is over your head. You do not owe him one thing except to make sure someone other than you takes care of him. Spend his money, or make sure he does, get advice from social services. Just don't take him into your life yourself. He is abusive.
My father and I never got along. I was his scape goat. He had a hard childhood but in reality he was a little bully. He bullied the weakest link, me. I now have PTSD whenever someone yells at me or talks down to me. My last conversation with my father was not pleasant. And it was about getting him help from the Veteran's Admin. He had way too much money but didn't want me to know about it. It was a lifetime of abuse, verbally and emotionally.
So under no circumstances would I have taken care of him. He has now died and I realize more than ever how little I had with him. My mother was his codependent. So realize, in dealing with your father, that you are going into the lion's den with a fly swatter. Don't do it.
You must remember, don't beat yourself up so about his care. What sort of care did he give you? You poor sister? God doesn't expect us to take this sort of punishment.
I am sure many will read your post and give you some great advice about who to contact and what to do. Listen to them.