My parents are 88 & 89 and currently living in their own home. My Dad (89) had a heart attack and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. I live 2 hours away, so I hired Home Instead care 2 days a week and meal delivery. I go once a week for Dr appts, grocery, etc and stay 24-48 hours. I have toured 4 assisted living facilities and narrowed it down to 2. Both are 5 min from me. I drove them here to tour them this weekend. Their chat today is how 1. They don’t need to pay for care at all since they feel they are independent. (Which they definitely are not!) 2. Want to stop home instead care and meal delivery since I come once a week.
Now a bit about me… have rheumatoid arthritis and have to have back surgery in Sept for a synovial cyst on my spine. I’ve been told my recovery time will be about one month. Therefore, my true caregiving is limited.
They refuse to see what’s best for them, and all of us. I might also add, they have a lot of money and continue to bring every discussion about their care back to dollars. Makes me so mad! I’m feeling a bit defeated, and don’t know where to turn for sound advice/help.
They made me stop the home health care and meal delivery. I’m taking them back home today and am worried sick about leaving them. How do I do what needs to be done and let them still have a voice? This is so difficult!
Thanks for any advice 🥰
Your parents at this point should help you, offer support.
There is no dilemma, frugal is one thing, taking care of their needs and paying is what responsible adults do.
You've put them in touch with the services they need. Add in reliable cab companies, and if they like they can give you a weekly shopping list which you order online for delivery.
Establish the new routine now and save your time and energy in preparing for your surgery. Best of luck, hugs.
However, you can use that to your advantage. If you were to add ALL the costs it takes for them to live in their house (food, electricity, heating, water, sewer, lawn service, car, property taxes, etc.---make sure you account for all of your time at either caregiver's wages or how much you get paid at work, especially commuting costs), does it cost more than what an assisted living center costs? If you are providing food, make sure you consider your time and cost in getting the food, preparing it, and delivering it and include the gas or electricity cost for the cooking the food and cleaning up after cooking the meals. If you are only going there once a week, add more in for refrigerator cost. Does he have repairs coming up on the house? Could you rent their house? If so, subtract rent out of the cost for the assisted living center.
Sometimes seeing it in black and white is the only way to open the conversation so that you can convince them. Change is hard. Moving is hard. To them, your time is free, therefore, they don't consider it in the equation. You need to make them aware of the cost of your time. See what the numbers show....hopefully, the numbers point to moving to the Assisted Living Center as the lowest cost alternative.
Good luck.
They need to live their lives, even if it means a downward trajectory 😔
heart and head are not in sync
They are living “independently “ for now. Though when I talked to Mom yesterday, she said she’s been so worried about Dad that she forgot to take her own meds for 2 days. Then she accidentally took his 🤦🏻♀️ Is this independent living? They clearly need help. I’m so stuck about what to do.
They may live alone.. but..??
This is an excellent question.
They can *independently* buy a burger - but this is not "cooking meals".
They could receive a meal delivery service you ordered - but could they independently arrange one? Store the food safely, look at use by dates, reheat?
This is the start of the slide...
PS Being *stubborn* about their level of independence is common.
Could be Denial - the cure is letting the consequences prevail eg cheeseburgers on rotation until they get sick of this, give in & accept an alternative.
But can also be Cognitive Decline, learning from consequences much less/absent.
Time will tell.
As to your other comments; the hardest part of handling this delicate balance is watching them eat 'old food' because they refuse to throw it out; can't order meal delivery, so they must drive to get anything they don't fix themselves. Then driving may be an issue etc.
It is denial - at that age; they don't want to move, don't want to admit their need for outside help and we kinda have to sit back and watch and pray they take our council. You may just have to keep gently prodding them to get help or move; but don't make the mistake of becoming their 'go-to' unless you want to ultimately become their caregiver. Slippery slope.....
My mother lived in her own home alone until the age of 94. She drove until she announced that she thought it was time for her to stop. She had no signs of dementia or frailty until she was about 95 when my brother moved in with her. Her husband, my father, died when she was 77. She always had a trusted housekeeper that not only cleaned every week but also had a decades long close bond with her and she checked on my mother regularly. As they both grew older, they became more like pals who watched soap operas together than employer and employee. All of us five kids also called my mother constantly. If your parents are still able to function as a team, your worries may be more about your own fears than real concerns about their safety. I have known many couples who lived safely together until they were in their late 90s.
Their irrational preoccupation with money is probably just a smokescreen that they are using to ward off your insistence that they give up their home and their independence. They are not ready to do that. Wait for some sort of crisis, hopefully not too big of a one, and they will realize when they need more care. In the meantime, be sure to let him know that you have to take care of your own needs and if they choose not to have any care in the home, you cannot make up for that lack of service. Have a pretty frank discussion with them about what you can and cannot do in both the short and long-term. In the meantime, do you have any brothers and sisters who can help out by maintaining regular, sustained and frequent contact with them?
Take care of yourself and give yourself as much time as you need to recover. You have the caregivers setup for your parents so probably will be pretty easy to turn it back on if needed.