Mother in law is financially very comfortable, and would have to pay if she lived elsewhere. Much money spent on travel and lavish life with other family is paid for by her! Your advice is appreciated! We love her but are feeling used and my spouse and I are stressed! We gave up so much... But are shocked by her lavish spending!
But that is exactly my point: I assume that I’m paying much more than rent in my services where my sibs may think I’m taking advantage. It will never get settled because there is no dollars and cents accountability going on. Even if it were being accounted for there is no agreed upon dollar amount for my services.
Outsiders have no idea what agreements have been made or how much money one contributes toward the housekeeping.
I know my mom feels bad that she is unable to pay me regardless of my not paying rent and it breaks her heart that I pay for parts and repairs myself because I feel she’s running short about $100 a month and I don’t want to add to that.
Anither big item, I save her as much money as I can by fixing things myself, bargain shopping, thrift store shopping, or just substituting cheaper products.
For instance she takes one prescription that her copay was outrageous and I found it in a Canadian pharmacy. The doctor is aware and has the Canadian pharmacy on speed dial. I’m saving her tons of cash as well as not running up the donut hole clause in her health insurance. Yes, anyone could do it but I’m the one who did because of my closer involvement with her.
To top it off, when push comes to shove, my mom won’t remember what I paid or not anymore than she’ll remember my sister paid for the roof!
As much easier it would be in the long run to sort out I’m not about to suggest any financial reckoning in black and white in the hope we will be on the same page when the time comes. I am heeding the advice given here all the time: I’m keeping all the receipts!
Charlotte
Others will never understand unless they have been in your shoes!
Wishing you the best
However, it may bite you in the *ss! I’m sure the recipients of her “gifts” will have plenty to say and Mom, too. She may think it was settled a long time ago.
The backlash may escalate from there, you know. She may decide to move and other family members might encourage that
Even if that happens it sounds like the living space can be rented to someone else, maybe at a profit!
Regardless, the issue should be addressed before she goes or there will never be a resolution.
Just saying: be prepared.
Charlotte
Time to pony up the costs and well--eldest brother had cleaned them out, financially. They barely had enough to tuck a little away for a rainy day.
Brother was going to lose his home--so those of us sibs who could, helped out financially. Crisis averted, for the moment.
Mother has lived there 21 years. Dad passed 13 years ago. She pays for the cable and you hear about that every single month. No utilities or rent. She also "blows" her SS every month on junk--Dollar Store shopping and eating out.
Brother is too upset still to ask her for rent. I voted against this move 24 years ago when it first came up.....and I can say, mother certainly could have afforded $500 a month and not suffered. But she never offered and they never asked. Most years we other sibs secretly slip brother a few grand.
Mother thinks it will all be made "whole" when she dies--but the "joke" is that she only has $50K in life insurance. Split 5 ways (elder brother has since died)---well, $10K will not help us financially AT ALL.
Yes--your MIL should be paying rent. I see the anger in my brother just build from year to year. He NEVER would have had the folks move in if he'd known mother was going to live forever and ever.
Yes she has estate value, it's now that she should be paying you though. Besides the value of her rent when added up, might exceed any bequests.
Subtle hints are likely to just fall on deaf ears so you will need to be brave and get help to setup, right away.
Hard to tackle this issue but it should be done, be resolute and follow it through.
As for yoursiblings jibing at you, ignore them and do it anyway. They have no right to add to your stress.
My first reaction was, sit her down, tell her she has to pay, lie to her if you have to. How unfair to you! Then I re-read your post.
I'm assuming that 8 years ago you could AFFORD the $80,000 you spent on the renovation. Since you didn't negotiate with her previously, you must have been financially able to afford it on your own. The fact that she was well off then and you DIDN'T ask her for help may have made the impression that you had no problem affording this.
You will benefit from the addition when you sell the house. She is saving (or spending) many thousands each year by living there "free".
DON'T count on recouping your costs when she passes away. You have no idea what is in the will and if she'll change it before she passes.
You didn't ask her to contribute to the household bills for 8 years either, so I assume that you could meet all your bills without hardship. Your incomes were/are sufficient to live there comfortably without having to alter your lifestyle or go in debt.
Your post is about how you've been taken for granted, MIL doesn't find the need to contribute to your home but spends her money frivolously on herself and other family members. You're feeling taken advantage of. I don't hear of any NEED for the money, just that you've been "left out", after you've donated a portion of your home space to her and paid the utilities and food.
Maybe she can see that ya'll are comfortable and decided she'll enjoy herself, since you're not starving, having the electric turned off or have asked her for anything.
So.....do you NEED the money? Or do you just want to "even up" the sides? Are the other family members much less financially stable than your family? Maybe that's why she wants to give them a treat that they otherwise couldn't afford.
You sound resentful that she has ignored you financially. If you truly need the money, then come right out with it. Beating around the bush won't get you anywhere. But don't be surprised if she isn't willing to give, since you've let her off the hook since she's been there. Not sure why you didn't at least have some verbal agreement in place before she even moved in.
If she won't contribute, then you have the option of having her continue living there and be ticked off and grow more and more resentful or you can tell her she has to move. Be prepared for a fight either way. It all depends on how important the money is to you.
If the family and friends aren’t on side, MIL will complain to them and they will back her up. That will make things much harder for you. If you can lay the groundwork of things getting more expensive and it’s becoming more difficult for you, then the frank conversation should be easier to hold in three or four month’s time. Don’t leave it too long, and good luck!
In my case ..my father has given much more to other siblings while I have always been more independent and never wanted to take advantage. Now I am more resentful of all I have always done to help out and have learned it is backfiring in a big way. My brother moved back into parents home years ago ..totally rent free although yes occasionally helps out with a utility payment or stop at store..but not anything regular . All meals are provided , all monthly bills paid by Dad ..even a more expensive cable plan that Dad doesn't need at all. Now Dad has dementia ..has had it for years ..and somehow he is also convinced that my brother is the only one who ever helped him ..so deserves the full inheritance all to himself. I haven't lived at home in many years ..but when I did I contributed much more however this has been forgotten. Also ..I know if I wanted I could fight the will since his dementia had all ready started when he did the will but I feel that will only benefit the lawyers with small sized estate anyway.
Big mess--family drama, brother almost lost his house.....in the end we worked it out, but the rift remained. Mother is alone now (21 years there, daddy passed 14 years ago) and pays for the cable only as her "part" of the bills. And complains mightily about it.
IMHO, mother should be paying around $500 a month for the services she receives at brother's family's hand. She doesn't drive, must be taken everywhere...she is always in need of something or someone to do for her. She's in poor health--at 88 she's could easily live another 10 years. They are all exhausted and wish they had never, ever moved the folks in.
As a family, we chipped in and paid for the renovation, so brother wouldn't lose his home. I've been a PT CG for mother until very recently when brother "fired" me, so I'm now off the hook. It's all on him now.
Mother has no CLUE as to how much things cost and doesn't realize if she had an ALF situation, she'd be out between $4-7,000 a month. She balks at the $75 cable bill!
I would never, ever, ever add on to my home to move in an aging parent. I would work 3 jobs before I would have one live with me. I've seen the demise of a once close family over MONEY.
BEFORE is the time to talk dollars and cents. Not after. It's a big elephant in the room. My mom lords it over her friends who are struggling, financially, as she can play with her money and shops constantly. Brother's family has suffered and struggled over the years--most years the rest of us sibs slip him several thousand dollars to make it over the next year---and that's not fair in the least.
It's not like brother will be made whole when mother dies. We stand to inherit less than $10K a piece.
But, if finances are truly an issue, if you don’t have your own retirement secure, then you absolutely should have the money discussion, but your HUSBAND must take the lead.
If he is a wimp with regard to his Mother you will have already lost the battle.
If he takes the lead, then MIL will come around, albeit grudgingly.
If there are siblings they should also be part of this conversation, but separately. If together, sides will be chosen immediately and the battle begins.
Honesty, as always , is the best policy. Real need trumps resentment or jealousy of her actions toward others.
And if any discussion you have with her or the reason you have it is based upon what she might or might not leave you, you have already started down a very slippery slope.
When I calculated up the cost of the services I was rendering, that she was not
paying to be performed professionally, she was getting a bargain. You might
want to have checked out what rent in an assisted living facility would have cost her for the past 8 years. I would suggest coming to the table with the request for her to help you figure out how to deal with all these numbers since it is
quite overwhelming. Then you all can brainstorm some ideas. If you already have thought through some ideas and have information to offer, it will be easier to work through. You may want to just do information sharing and then
plan to talk about it later after everyone has had time to think about it. You may
want to do that more than once before an acceptable plan can be formulated.
You can try that, and then re-evaluate ever so often as needed. That will give room to accept a very small concession for a time, then go back to the table with "How is this working for you?" and "How is this working for me?", " What can we do to modify so it works better?" etc.
I think the key is "confess my weakness" and give opportunity for them to
"pray for me" and be the facilitator for my "healing".
Blessings on your adventure in peace.