Mother in law is financially very comfortable, and would have to pay if she lived elsewhere. Much money spent on travel and lavish life with other family is paid for by her! Your advice is appreciated! We love her but are feeling used and my spouse and I are stressed! We gave up so much... But are shocked by her lavish spending!
Better check that out. I think she owes you quite a bit for what you've done and paid for.
I fully realize such rent discussions are often much easier said than accomplished. I tried to do something similar with my dad as part of implementing a Medicaid spend down plan for him (except the plan was to hold his rent in an account to be used later to enhance his stay during an anticipated Medicaid-assisted nursing home stay.) To shorten a long story, after a few months of implementing the rent plan, I refunded the entire amount to him due to sibling outrage. Those siblings (4 of 7) really liked the free 24-hour care my wife and I provided him in the separate rent-free house nextdoor to ours, but they didn't like my dad paying utilities for that house and thought I should at least help pay those since his care required that I stay with him all of the time. It's hard to understand the thinking of some family members. Good luck with yours.
Living with her son and DIL is a privilege and not a right. I understand how annoying it is that she throws her money at the other kids and won’t even pay for a pizza for you. Get your monthly expenses together and sit down with her. Not just you, either. Dear hubby has to be there as well. “This is what we need from you, Mom.” Figure out “about” how much for the extra person. You could go so far as asking her for a third of the household expenses, but that probably won’t work. Mention you need to start saving for your own retirement. If she refuses, well, then you may have to have another talk with her, this time about her own apartment.
I just get the impression from your post that you and your husband have been bottling this up, MIL has blithely assumed that everything's fine, and the whole thing is about to blow up under pressure?
Best to just drop hints about grocery bills and utilities. Ask Mom-in-law if she wants a portable fan for her bedroom as you and her son will need to not keep the house as cool due to the cost. Maybe she will chip in.
For groceries cut back on buying Mom's favorite snacks or drinks, and cut out some of your favorite things, too. Sorry, Mom, grocery prices have really gone up [which is true], and we had to cut out some things. Hopefully she will say "here, let me help".
If you have cable TV, and Mom likes to watch TV, cut back to the basic package. Sorry Mom, cable prices have gone up and we had to cut back.
It feels like Mom-in-law is taking you both for granted. And any time a parent moves into a house the adult/child dynamic takes over. She now once again "Mom" and you both are the teenagers.