After calling the doctor and waiting for a social worker to come and loosing the first caregiver in the home and trying to get a new one for the interim we have now decided to place dad. Im not sure how this is all going to go, I know he will be upset, I know he will fight it at first, but he sleeps almost 20 hours a day, or just sits in his chair with his eyes closed, he doesn't engage in anything, he doesn't watch TV or even go out to the porch to feel the breeze in the evenings. I want to cry, but also feel once settled this is going to be a major relief and happy thing. No one will visit him because of his current living conditions. I try my best to clean as much as I can when I'm there but it seems in a matter of days the toilet is a disaster and there is dirty dishes and horrible food everywhere. My heart is breaking as this is the most wonderful daddy but I have to do what's best for him. that is the only thought in my mind. He will thrive in the long run. Anyway, comments, thoughts etc.
A quality retirement-home experience can require advance planning years in advance. Simply put, every one of us will be not as healthy as we are now, or crippled, or developing various mental problems, or just being feeble or whatever.
But I've found that many of the bad situations can avoided or minimized by simply being aware of the future. Of course, nobody can guarantee a successful later life for anyone.
Our living circumstances will necessarily change in unexpected ways. To make the best of being older later, we and our loved ones must take that simple fact into account and just deal with it. (I realize there are bad individual situations that don't work out.)
I'm 67, my wife is 73 - in average to declining health. We put our names on the list at a very nice local nice retirement center 5 years ago, knowing their wait-list for new admissions is very long. My wife and I knew that arrangements for a retirement home were in the future sometime or another. Well and good.
We're very familiar with the retirement center. My sister's in-laws went there, an uncle, my great-aunt who entered when they first opened in the early 70's,and my wife's late mother. And God knows who else. Also my 94 year old stepmother Margaret who is still there now, as alive and as tough and loving as ever - everyone's much-loved elder matriarch.
A few months ago, we re-visited their office, talked a while, and learned our admission date for us is now down to around a year or two, maybe 2019 or so. We reviewed the current pricing and monthly rates, and all that. Everything was higher than before of course, which we expected. My wife and I thought "that's expensive" and it is, but everyone already knows that. It is what it is.
What we all have in common is that we all wanted and planned to live reasonably as best we can. Many of had middle-class incomes in their earning years, a few had much more. Most of the people we know who had/have difficulties in later life are those who were not prepared.
People who prepare mentally have fewer problems and more options. Those who do not prepare tend to have more problems and fewer options.
FEU
The facility was built by two men who could not find adequate care for their own parents. The owner's parents live there, so the care is excellent, the facility is clean and has great amenities.
Like you, I tried to care for mom at home for almost 4 years. Until her short term memory and cognitive function declined to the point that she could not be left alone for any amount of time, she would panic if I left to go to pick up a pizza. I had home care for working hours, and then she left and the agency could not find an adequate replacement.
To make a long story short, mom is adjusting to AL, I went for a surprise visit this afternoon, and she told me she went to the resident's meeting, and for the first time didn't try to guilt me into bringing her back to my house.
My point with that is, don't feel guilty, your dad will be in good care, and if you continue like you are now, the stress may very will kill you. My health was not great, and now I am so much better, and I can actually just visit and be a daughter again instead of the constant worry and stress.
Good luck!
We understand the resistance and it is a difficult decision to make but the transition will be smoother if he connects with his peers and the staff.
She'd come to the point where she really wasn't leaving the house except when necessary - sometimes not even going down for the mail, which used to be a highlight. Her eating habits were awful, there was nothing she liked and ate more cookies that anyone should. She doted on those cats, her entire day revolved around them and what they would eat. She spent 8-10 hours a day - no exaggeration - sitting in front of the computer playing solitaire or online jigsaw puzzles. She'd stopped visiting or having visitors. Her self-esteem was at an all-time low, a lot of it because of the word loss that has come with early Alzheimers.
What helped move things along was having her visit with the resident "ambassadors" there, uber-friendly folks who had a meal with her and talked to her about what life there as like.
Two weeks later: Her new apartment (bedroom, living room, kitchen - with no stove) is sunny and decorated with her own stuff. She has welcomed visitors - family and friends. She looks forward to her meals because of the company at the table and the quality of the food. Normally very shy, she is branching out and facing her fears - taking trips into town with the group, checking out things she used to look down on like beading classes or knitting groups, and had the most delightful time when a group of kids came to visit and hang with the "olds."
This was the best decision we could have made. What I didn't expect is that I am having a harder time with the transition than she is. I'm the one having difficulty letting go of control of her meds, control of everything.
I used to call daily, just to make sure she'd eaten, had gotten dressed, etc. Now, if she doesn't come for a meal, someone comes to find her, and they come find her in the evening to give her her meds. So, at least 4 times a day, someone competent is laying eyes on her. This has been a more difficult change for me than for her on the one hand, on the other, I know she's safe, well-fed, has good company, and is happy.
Hope that is helpful.
I am sorry for your heart breaking situation.Are you able to get your father to a Dr.? It sounds like he may be helped by an antidepressant.He sounds depressed.
If you place him in an assisted living...here has been my experience.My sister placed my mom in one.It was a brand new,beautiful facility.The care was horrible there.The staff were far too young with no experience.No schooling is required to work in one.Every week people were quitting and new workers hired.The care was poor and inconsistent with three different shifts of personal care workers who did very little.They sat on their phones a lot.Some really horrible things happened in the two years she was there.The food was not good.She was not given fresh water daily if there was any in her room.She forgot to drink water so it had to be offered to her.It was not.Her floor was not cleaned.Her room was not straightened.She fell and fell breaking bones in her wrist,hip and a finger was severed completely off.
My advice to you is do some serious shopping around before placing him and be sure to NOT pick a place that is brand new with no history or track record.You will want a facility that has been well established with a history.Brand new,fancy and beautiful buildings are no indicator of the care your loved one will get.Some privately owned facilities are there for nothing more than making money.Not all are that way but do your research before placing him.Will he talk with you to tell you what is troubling him?It really sounds like depression.There is this one assisted living,memory care facility in my town.It was smaller,not so fancy and very homey.I wanted to move my mom there out of the fancy,horrible one she was in because this small one did not like to drug their clients with sedating medication.Their approach was to use an antidepressant to help the clients to get better.Many facilities will give drugs to sedate and make clients sleep or be more manageable thus less care is required but that is not quality of life for the loved one.If I could have done it without harming myself,I would have kept my mom in my home and cared for her but I did not and she suffered greatly at the facility my sister placed her.If you must place him...take much time to select a really safe and good place.I will keep you in my prayers.
Cares.
Thank you for asking a question that many do not bother to ask. This is a mountain of change in both of your lives.
All that said my words of advice are simple 'follow your nose'. Show up as a surprise to visit. Ask to walk through and have a look for a family member. This will tell you a mountain of answers. First can you smell any unpleasant orders like urine, spit on the floor, unkept areas. Don't stop there, are people dwelling here smelling or as you walk by an open door is there an order. Another aspect of the visit is while walking around does the food smell inviting. Are there snacks out for the residents to get for themselves at times in-between meals.
One of the best ideas to keep in mind - this is a business. They are here to not only provide assistance, also to make money. And they need your loved one to make money.
Please do not let all of this make you change your mind. There are many ALs out there, it is just that sometimes it is necessary to look a little more closely.
A move is stressful on anyone and when it is due to inability to live at home any longer, the stress level is very high. That said let us make the best decision possible for our loved one.
What to consider - do they have different levels of care; end of life care? Are their recreational activities that your dad would enjoy; is the facility and staff appealing at first glance and clean. There are also other options like group homes - which tend to be more affordable. I have heard very good reviews from people who have chosen this route. My mom is at risk for wandering - so she needs to be in a locked memory care unit.
Think about what your dad likes when visiting these facilities. Also get on the waiting list, not all places have vacancies you can always decline if you decide to do so.
Good luck.
The day my father arrived from Canada to spend some time in his Portuguese residence after the passing of our youngest sister (47), the love of his life, he had a severe stroke which left him bedridden, totally dependent and unable to express himself.
During the first year we kept him at home and hired professional caregivers who would come twice a day to do his higiene. Things went more or less smoothly despite the inevitable difficulties.
Things started to get complicated when he started choking with food. He got a respiratory infection and was always going to the hospital for urgent assistance.
My biggest wish was for him to be home with us but by the 15th month it became impossible; his life was constantly at risk.
Finally, we had to put him in a home. It broke my heart to give in to my eldest sister's wish. I felt like we were dumping him and I'm sure that's the way he sees it too. But there is no other way given his fragile health. He has to be looked after during the 24 hours of the day and at home it was impossible.
At this moment, I feel relieved because I know that he is being properly taken care of (I hope) although these meisers don't heat up the place and the houses here in Portugal are like refrigerators.
He's five minutes away from our house which allows us to visit him more often.
Life isn't easy.
Some people reach old age and this is what happens to most of those who are that lucky.
Others, like my poor sister, die young :(
With time things will get easier for you.
Good luck!
Let me just add: trust the staff. They have tons of experience with every aspect of this transition.
I didn't believe that my mom would adjust. They told me she would--and she did. She loves her AL now. She also sleeps all day and doesn't do much, won't leave the building. But she loves her creature comforts and that is paramount to her.