My mother lives an hour and a half from me. She is 87 years old and on a walker because she broke her hip about a year ago. She lives alone in her house with my brother staying at the house three to four days a week. However he is lazy and just makes work (dirty dishes and pans), mess on counters and table. He has personality disorder also. Only helps Mom in an emergency (take to emergency room or doctor). She slipped in the kitchen and fell a week ago. Her ribs are fractured and her shoulder hurts a lot (she gets MRI for shoulder on Monday) She refuses Meals on Wheels. Insists on cooking brother his dinner when he stays over and cleans up cause my brother won't. She has lady come in once a week to clean and do laundry. She says she can't afford any one to cook even four or five days a week. Her maid doesn't cook. She can afford to spend some money right now, but is deathly afraid of not having enough money until she dies and also has to leave a much money as possible for my brother. He can't work. Mental Illness and is on SSI. Subsidized apartment. No one can get through to her. She is rigid. I feel sort of guilty. But I can't do everything for her. I also don't have much extra money to pay for the help she needs. I've been going crazy from her for a bunch of years now. And I just don't know what to do.
Barbara
If so, that's where you also stop feeling guilty. You've offered. You've been turned down. On that score, you'll just have to take her 'no' for an answer.
When things become more critical, ask her what she would like you to do. It will be up to her to say what solutions she proposes for whatever problems come up; and if you are still willing and able to help, then of course you can go right ahead and do so.
I'm afraid I have no magic tricks to help you not worry about her meanwhile; but you might find it some comfort to remember that you are not responsible for your mother's choices, and after all we are talking about choices that she, a consenting adult, has actively made. You should also be comforted that she is not alone and isolated. Other people see her regularly, even if they're not exactly helping, so you would hear about it promptly if there were ever an emergency.
Where does your brother stay the rest of the time, when he's not creating work for your mother? I'm just wondering if there are any social services or similar agencies involved with him, so that maybe (when the time comes) you could 'piggy-back' your mother's care needs onto them - or at least perhaps find out some useful contacts.
There are all kinds of arguments you could put to your mother to try to persuade her to get her life, and provision for your brother, in better order; but I'm assuming you've already tried most of them. Wait and see; and make sure your mother knows that if she needs help, she just has to say. There isn't any more you can do.