Everyday my Mother who is 86 and living alone calls me everyday and asks "what am I supposed to do today?" I tell her she needs to make herself a cup coffee, get the newspaper from the front door, make herself some breakfast and take her morning medication. She then calls and asks me if she "is safe at the place where she is". She is at home, a home she has lived in for 18 years. She thinks she is in someone else's home and I have to describe to her furniture, carpeting, etc., to assure her it is her home and she can relax.
These calls repeat throughout the day. She is treated by various doctors but she is keen enough to get past their mini tests and will not accept any discussion about her having dementia. She has lots of alternatives, such as long term home health insurance, money to move to assisted living, or live with me in a new home. She always says why do I have to make that decision know, I'm fine. In the meantime, I'm working all day and speed home to see her after work, make her dinner or take her out and then spend hours afterwards paying her bills, looking for things that don't make sense like paying $10,000 for dating service or refinancing home , purchasing crazy TV productions, cleaning her house or watching TV and trying to explain what is happening as she cannot follow any storyline or news.
I'm 60 and can't keep up the pace and my house is falling apart. My husband is working and takes care of two homes, four cars and all the animals. He is wonderful and supportive but I don't know how to move forward for all of us. She lives in a deed restricted community that will not permit us to live with her and my home is too tiny for all of us. I think we need a house with 3 bedrooms where we can live together and have room for a nurse in the future if necessary.
I have a POA but I don't know how or when to activate it. I'm doing all the finances and I'm the executor of her estate and will inherit her home so combining our assets for one bigger home seems reasonable, but is it? She says everyday that she is confused and asks me to do everything for her, but resists any long term changes. How do I begin? Where do I begin? Any suggestions????
You need to begin now to address two things. One is to discuss frankly, just as you did here with us now, your Mom's condition, WITH HER DOCTOR. As POA you can request that she take now the REAL tests for Dementia. It is important to get staging and other things.
Then you should attend the attorney who did the POA (after getting the needed letters and diagnosis to take care of the POA, the bank account set ups. You will have to keep careful records and diaries of everything. Your Mom is in danger now (and the dating site 10,000 proves that). The Lawyer gets paid for or reimbursed from your Mom.
AFTER you take care of these two things you can decide what the disposition will be for Mom in terms of her LTC insurance, possibly staying in home a bit more time, moving to you, or Assisted living. The good news here is she has the assets to afford choices. The bad news is she will need help with these choices, and it is unlikely that any of the choices will completely satisfy her. It is so tough, but try to take it task at a time, one thing at a time. Start with the diagnosis. Until you have that there is very little you CAN do.