Father is 94 years old and cannot drive. She has this image and is very paranoid that he is having an affair. Last night he said he was out all night long..
What do you say or do to get her to understand that this is not happening? They have a sitter that comes there every day. My father is mobile and capable of getting around.. he tires out more easily now.. it hurts him to see his wife of 67 years of marriage go through this. We, their children, 4 of us now..and grandkids all are giving emotional and physical support in anyway we can.. it does get more difficult for my sister and I because we are the closest to their location. As of right now, my mother truly believes my father has a girlfriend and has had her in the house.. and when we take him to the grocery store, she stays up waiting until we get back, to be sure he comes back without the girlfriend. At times, she gets upset saying that we are naive about him having a girlfriend.....
Just need some help how to handle this so she feels ok and doesn’t worry about this..
I've witnessed my own mother (who's almost 95) struggle with dementia since she was diagnosed in 2016; she's to the point of advanced dementia now where she has days (like today) where she's almost incoherent. My dad, her DH of 68 years, passed away in 2015 or else I'm sure she'd be convinced he was also 'fooling around' on her, since she was always suspicious of him to begin with. Before he died, she was on him like white on rice, driving him crazy with all sorts of nonsense *she was suffering with dementia quite a while before her actual diagnosis in 2016* So I feel your pain, and I'm sorry for all the anguish it's causing. I hate dementia with every fiber of my being, for all the suffering it causes for EVERYONE involved.
You can't talk mom out of her delusions, but you can talk to her doctor about possible medication to calm her agitation down a bit. It may work, it may not. Here is a link to an article on this very subject, with tips to cope and strategies to use:
https://www.verywellhealth.com/partner-dementia-unfaithful-accusation-97645
Here is a post on the same subject from 2018 from AgingCare with 33 comments that may help you glean a tidbit or two:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mom-accusing-dad-of-infidelity-nonstop-435834.htm?orderby=recent
Wishing you the very best of luck with a difficult situation.
I would talk to the doctor about antianxiety medication. (please be careful as some forms of dementia prescribing antianxiety medications can be tricky)
You probably can not convince your mom that dad is not having an affair. This is her reality and to change her mind is going to be next to impossible.
All he can do is to try to reassure her when he leaves that he will be back soon, and that he loves her and as soon as he returns he should greet her and if he has always given her a hug and a kiss when he got home he should continue to do that.
And if this is a new delusion this is something that you should tell the doctor.
Have you talked to her doctor about her delusion?
Sometimes a UTI can cause a sudden change in mental status. If this is a new behavior, consider that.
If this is a long standing behavior, there are meds that can reduce delusional thinking. A consult with a geriatric psychiatrist might be useful.
Finally, agree with the feeling, not the facts. "You must be so disappointed in him", "that must really hurt, Mom". Of course you need to explain to your dad what you are doing.
Watch some Teepa Snow videos about dealing with these kinds of issues.