The last few days/weekends have been tough trying to help my father. If you follow my story, then you know our relationship has been a strained one. To make a very long story short, lately he has had an attitude with me but with no one else. He become so mad a few weeks ago, that he told me did not care if I ever came back. So, that particular day, I finished with what I was doing and left. Then as I was leaving, he says.. "So you are not coming back even if get really bad sick?" I told him that because of the type of person Iam, that I will continue to help him but I will never feel the same when I'm at his house. Thank God for the lady who helps out as well because I could not do this alone plus I work.
I have been trying to find ways to cope. Including giving myself a time limit to get tasks done at his house and then I leave and I also attend counseling when I have the extra money, but I'm searching for other ways. I also pray all the time. I salute all of you who are caregivers!!!!
I'm not sure if you all remember me posting about family members on his side treating me as if I do not do anything for him . Well, the tide has turned suddenly. I have spoken with two of them and they are both in agreement that he needs a facility. One even reached out to me and said I needed to stand up to him and not let him treat me the way he does. I'm not sure who she has been talking to but I must have an advocate somewhere. She even told me to call APS if he refuses. So to all of you are going through tough times as a caregiver, hang in there. It is so very hard to block out the negative. But those are usually people who are not going to lift one finger to help you.
Did you call APS ? You posted on March 31 , that you would be talking with them the next day .
The person I needed to talk to was unavailable. She will be back tomorrow.
You said no.
And then you showed up.
Stop falling for this.
He will not change.
I sense you need to deal with 'what's running' you to continue on as you are.
I do not know your story from prior writings however I believe that your father is responsible for himself and the decisions he makes ... and getting the help he needs.
You are taking his care upon yourself as your responsibility. Why?
It is a matter of understanding why you are behaving / reacting as you do and knowing when and how to set boundaries. If you do not set personal boundaries, you will 'continue to be his punching bag' - which, of course, could be from both years / decades of the interpersonal relationship and current medical / dementia issues.
If you feel you 'have to' do xxx then you need to really look at that. Do you?
And if yes, why? Are you making your (abusive?) father your responsibility? Why?
You need to get the rest you need. Burn out is one thing, however the bottom line (to me) in this relatinship (father - daughter) is how you feel about yourself. What is your level of self-esteem? feelings of self-worth? How do you value yourself?
You may need to give yourself space from your dad - for months perhaps - or longer to find out who you are and learn how to feel good about yourself. If you do not respect yourself, no one else will; you have to set boundaries for yourself or others will (as your dad seems to be doing).
I don't mean to sound cold here - I want you to feel good about yourself and not make your dad your responsibility.
What are you praying for? Praying is fine although it needs to be 'backed up' with behavior and that starts with how you feel about yourself and being clear on the choices you (want to) make. From my point of view, I would 'pray' for the willingness to care - love myself - knowing this may feel very strange and learn how to do it anyway. "Pray" to hang in there when you don't want to change because it is unfamiliar and its easier to stay stuck.
Coping requires self-care:
- taking breaks
- renewing yourself however you can
- exercise, meditate, eat healthy
- make time for fun
- getting enough sleep
- get respites (days off or a week off as needed)
It is not easy to be a caregiver to a loved-one. It is really hard as we are pulled emotionally and psychologically.
However, coping / and caregiving must start with you caring about yourself - and taking care of yourself. Otherwise, you will burn out - not function for yourself or be available to help / support your dad (however you decide to do that, or continue to do that).
When you are in therapy/counseling, what does the therapist tell you?
Gena / Touch Matters
Earlier in the your post you said that your dad was angry because you wouldn’t quit your job and move in with him.
Please don’t ever quit your job and don’t ever consider moving in with him.
Let me remind you that your dad didn’t have any grace for you during your lifetime. You certainly don’t owe him any grace now.
In fact, even if he were ‘father of the year’ in your life, you still wouldn’t owe him anything.
Now, if out of the kindness of your heart you want to see that he is placed in a facility, then that should be the extent of his care.
Unless, you choose to be his advocate in a facility. Otherwise, he will sink or swim, just like he expected from you!
Your stubborn, probably mentally ill and demented father won't hire help and won't appoint you or anyone else Power of Attorney.
The quickest way to get him help is to let him fail.
As in, he falls, the EMTs come, see he's not well, not able to live alone. They take him to the hospital. He gets placed.
With HIS money, you get a coded key box to be attached to his front door/porch (it's called a realtor's box). The key code is given to the medical alert company; they give it to the EMTs.
Stop. Showing. Up.
I'm trying to step back but so far I have not found any additional help.
I just searched this site for information on parents who fall on purpose and I see that it is a common thing. Last night my father did this on purpose. The people from Life Alert called me at 12am saying he had fallen but was ok and that the paramedics were on the way to check on him. So I had to get dressed and drive across town. When I got there, the paramedics were there and were getting ready to take the door down because they could get in. I have a key so we went in and they helped him up and made sure he was ok. After they left he admitted that he just wanted to see if they would come. Now today he is telling people on the phone that he talks to that he fell and the paramedics had to come and he needs help at night. If I'm wrong, God please forgive me, but he tries to make others think I do nothing for him. I was so mad. I realize that elderly people do things for attention but it was midnight and he knew I would have to come because I have a key. As I have said before, he ruined a good thing when he ran his night help away. I was already in the process of trying to find additional help. Every agency is so expensive and he does not qualify for any free or discounted assistance. I'm anxious every night because I fear having to leave home to check on him because he wont answer the phone etc.
I don’t know how you put up with your dad’s attitude.
So sorry that he behaves like this but you know that he won’t change. He doesn’t appreciate you. It’s very sad.
I thought you were stepping back from caring for him. Please don’t become overwhelmed with caring for him.
I will be talking with them tomorrow.
This is very, very true.
I have been reading some of your responses, and it sounds like you are on the right track. Limit your time with him until you can step away completely. This is causing you a lot of undue stress.
Just think about when he dies, will you have regrets that you didn't spend more time with him? Or will you regret the time you did spend with him? I think that will guide you in the right direction. You don't "owe" him (or anybody) anything.
The care you provide should be by your choice because it makes you feel good.
I was just thinking about this today! I will not have any regrets because I know I have done my best in spite of how he treated ( and still does at times) me. I grew up afraid of him and was still afraid of him as an adult. It is causing me stress. I'm in the process of finding him additional help so that I will not have a nervous breakdown. He has now gotten to where he will not even attempt to get up and go to the bathroom. He will just use it on himself and say that he needs changing. If I'm wrong, may God forgive me but I think he does it on purpose.
Let Off Steam
There will be times when you feel like you are about to explode. You feel like you are at your wits’ end and unable to hold things together any more. You want to scream and break everything within your reach. This is normal, and it happens to other caregivers, too. To survive and go on, you’ll have to find ways to open your safety valve and let off some steam.
· Find some solitude. Go for a drive, a walk, or a hike. Look for a change of scenery and a modicum of privacy. Find some solitude to clear your head and settle your mind.
· Let it out. Sing along your favorite tunes. Sing or speak at the top of your voice. Complain, argue, lecture the world. Pour your heart out.
· Take stock. Once you’ve said your piece, focus on your strengths and the positives in your life. Remind yourself that your track record for getting through bad days so far is one hundred percent.
· Let it go. Write it down, so your mind can let it go. Keep a journal. Write to get some clarity and sort through your emotions. You’ll be surprised at how liberating it is to bare your soul, even if to no one in particular.
"There’s a worn-out mountain overlooking the cemetery where my parents are buried. I hike there a couple of times a week, when the sun is coming out and the air is still crisp. Every once in a while, I go all the way to the lonely top overlooking the cemetery below, and speak to the dead. Sometimes I call out to my mom and my dad, sometimes I scream, but most of the time I just talk, to no one in particular. Occasionally an old mountaineer passes by, one of those old guys who used to climb tall mountains all over the world. They glance in my direction, sometimes nodding hello, and go on their way. Somehow, the old guys know that the mountain is listening."
However, I can offer you this from the perspective of an older person. My wife died two years ago and shortly thereafter I severely injured my foot. When normal treatment was ineffective, I had major surgery six months ago and it's only been about two months that I have been able to walk - with the aid of a cane.
I'm not saying your father is without fault. It sounds like he is indeed rather self centered. However, I can tell you that we elderly find ourselves in an entirely new position. We've never been old before, and bodily ailments impact us far more than they used to. We find ourselves undergoing multiple loses (job, family, friends, mobility, etc). I guess what I'm telling you is that some of our crankiness is actually grief over what we used to have. That's no excuse for us to take out our frustrations on other people who have their own needs and responsibilities. But it can perhaps help you understand that a portion of what you've experienced from him may not really be directed at you; it's his (poor) way of coping with his current predicament.
You've gotten a lot of good advice here about self-care, relaxation, etc. You can't control your dad, but you can control how you respond to him.
There's a lot of wisdom in the prayer attributed to St. Francis:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Good for her!
She states in her profile that she has a strained relationship with her father.
I am glad that she is no longer going to care for him. She doesn’t deserve to be treated poorly by a man that she was never close with.
I work as an RN in a busy inner-city hospital. So, I get to care for all those difficult folks that end up being difficult loved ones to care for at home. After a tough 12 hour shift, I do things to clear my mind, care for my health, and nurture my heart (emotions). Sometimes, I find talking to my hubby or friends is all the help I need. Other times, it is a good meal, a warm shower/bath, a short walk, a game of cards, or writing in a journal to "process" and de-stress. As a Christian, I listen to contemporary Christian music to and from work. Many times, I pray for myself and those I care for.
During the week, I eat a tight, nutritious diet and work out at the gym 5-6 days a week. It really helps!
Until I am transitioned out of caregiving, I’m taking off weekends. Having a nice glass of wine, listening to fun music and dancing in my kitchen. I’ve also started dating.
Oh, I don’t debate, disagree or interject with seniors. I can’t change them. Toxicity is harmful, so I try to keep it at bay. I stay pleasant and not get flustered.
I love my therapy sessions. The most important thing I’ve ever done for my wellbeing! Saved me for sure. Good luck!
I agree with you about not debating with people like the OP’s father. Some people can’t be pleased no matter what is said to them.
They see and hear what they want to see and hear. They talk out of both sides of their mouth and have no credibility whatsoever.
There’s no point in trying to satisfy certain people because they have already made up their mind about the situation.
Debating them will only give an abusive person ammunition to fire back with.
What’s the old saying, “Can’t argue with stupid!’ They don’t know what they don’t know. Ignorance can be overcome but stupidity is another story.
Same thing applies to narcissists and people who are mentally ill, dementia patients or anyone who is close minded.
They will twist words to suit their own narrative. They won’t learn because they aren’t interested in other people’s opinions. Immediately disregard anything that they say.
They don’t know how to agree to disagree. Bullying is a sign of insecurity. I feel sorry for them because family members who are trying to help them will abandon them. I feel more sorry for the helpers for the pain they endured during caregiving.
I am so happy that FB has decided to step away from her unappreciative and controlling father. I refuse to call him her dad because he has never been a dad to her.
Caregiving can definitely be overwhelming. I think you’re on the right track with blocking out time to take care of tasks but you should also carve out time to do things you enjoy.
Learn not to let’s the words of your senior loved one impact you. They lash out at times but deep down they don’t really mean what they say.
Your family member loves you. Seniors have misplaced anger and frustration. Unfortunately we become the target.
Give yourself grace. You’re doing the best you can.
Again, I am glad ur stepping back.
That really says it all, JoAnn. No one deserves to be treated poorly, especially if they don’t have a close relationship.
Not only that, her father hasn’t shown any appreciation for her care.
Stop playing HIS game. Take your marbles and go home. Stay away.
My marbles are definitely tired.
If he would remember - then I would stay away for a while. Make him call and apologize.
I have noticed that he sometimes gets confused. But his negative words and behavior is something that has been happening since I was a child. He remembers our arguments because he sometimes tries to use it to manipulate me. For example, he will not answer the phone if I call multiple times. He knows I will get worried and go over to check on him or he will finally answer and say he was busy. After our most recent argument a few days ago, he would not answer. I had called him because a friend of his called me because he could not get in touch with him. Well he finally answered and said, his phone was on airplane mode and for me to always come check if he does not answer. Honestly, I think he has learned how to put it on airplane mode. If I'm wrong, Lord forgive me. He has apologized before but he keeps doing the same thing.
You could do easy meal prep that he can heat up in the microwave if that will help ease the burden or have ready made snacks in baggies he can have easy access to. What do you enjoy? If you like nature then you can walk, if you love animals (like me) love on them and go for a quick walk (trying to slim myself down and my chunky Chihuahua). I like to read and write as well as music and to watch TV. I am keeping a diary of positive affirmations of at least three things I am thankful for each day and three positive things about myself to try to rewire my anxious brain. Journaling sounds contrite but it helps a lot.