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Binge watch a show, watch movies, get a massage, facial Read a good book , see friends . Whatever you like.
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faithfulbeauty Mar 27, 2024
@waytomisery,
My marbles are sure not round anymore lol! I love to watch movies. It is a great way to relax.
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I’m gravitating to wine as my coping mechanism of choice these days.
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Care.com , Next Door.com Has caregivers . You Can Place a ad on Next-door.com . When My Dad would get demanding and scream Out " get Me the Milk " I would smile at him and say " Please Ms. beautiful Karen Can I have some Milk ? " and he would Laugh . I would get a Please at Least and a different tone of voice . I dealt with the stress by getting a massage or going to community acupuncture . Also Biking and swimming . You Might find a healing circle that offered free reiki . Or a support group - There is a course Savvy caregivers that the Alzheimers association offers and usually a support group that is free . I Take courses at Upaya Zen center online and they do a Lot for caregivers and that can be by Donation Or free . I would Place flowers on the table whether it was an orchid or growing daffodils from Trader Joes and always some chocolates for him . We Sat Outside a lot and would pet the neighbors dogs . There are strategies to calm them.
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"So you are not coming back even if get really bad sick?"

I would have said " No Dad I am not coming back even if you get bad sick. After all I have done for you and you treat me the way you do. I am done"

I am with Waytomisery. He knows you will keep coming no matter what he says. I also feel I have a good heart but I would never allow someone to abuse me who I helped. There has to be respect on both sides.

I am glad you are stepping back. Let him call you, don't call him. I would want an apology. If you do help him again, as soon as he gets angry or abusive, stop what your doing and walk out the door. Same if he calls and gets started, hang up. Caring for him is on your terms not his and he needs to be told this. He has no right to dictate how things will be.
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FB,

Do you know what I hear in your words? You’re running out on autopilot. Your heart is not in this.

Honestly. I don’t blame you. You don’t have a warm and fuzzy relationship with your dad.

You certainly have a beautiful heart. Anyone can see your lovely heart in your words.

Please don’t stretch yourself too thinly. Always be true to yourself. Don’t transform yourself for anyone, not even your dad. Especially, a dad that you’re not especially close to.

You know that you can’t change your dad’s behavior. He has a crappy attitude.

So, do whatever brings you peace. Don’t do something because it’s expected of you. Hire additional help without looking for your dad’s approval. You’re in charge, not him.

Wishing you all the best.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 24, 2024
Should read ‘running on autopilot.’ I do not understand how my autocorrect works.

I am thinking of disabling it! LOL 😆
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Don’t let him know that because of the type of person you are that you will help him.

This lets him think that no matter what he does you will come back. That’s giving him the upper hand . He doesn’t care that you don’t feel the same when you go to his house.

Also don’t let him know that what he says upsets you . He will keep pushing your buttons . At times I would just pretend my abusive mother was a stranger , it helped me cope.

And when he gets mad, so what? . Then you leave and tell him if he doesn’t straighten up his act you will refuse to come over . He’s still getting under your skin and he knows it . When he starts his nonsense leave no matter what you are doing , don’t stay to finish . So what if the floor isn’t swept or mopped ? Turn the tables on him.

If it was a stranger you wouldn’t stick around for abuse , why do it for anyone?
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faithfulbeauty Mar 24, 2024
@Waytomisery,
I have definitely had enough and I told him so. I'm 54 and I feel like my life is passing me by. I do not want to run out of time so I will be making some changes.
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Call every agency available and tell them to send whoever is available. That's the best way to cope with a bully of a man you know you should not be caring for in the first place. Counseling and prayer isn't going to change who HE is at the core, and that's the bottom line. The answer is to figure out how to say NO and mean it. Look at Care.com also and select someone from that list. If dad's not happy with his new caregivers or they quit, it's back to the SNF he goes, HIS choice.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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faithfulbeauty Mar 24, 2024
@lealonnie1
I have been looking at all agencys and he is on the waiting list for one of them. I'm definitely better at setting boundaries than I use to be which I think is what has made him even angrier towards me. He is also angry because I will not quit my job and move in with him.
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I wouldn't continue to argue these issues with your Dad if he was at all impaired mentally.
And if he isn't at all impaired mentally I would not put up with this treatment.
For me it would be one or the other.
If Dad has dementia, then when he is in a bad mood I would leave at once and tell him "Love you Dad; I'll be back when you're in a better mood".
If he has no dementia I would pretty much do the same; tell him I am leaving, but in that case would say "see you in a couple of weeks" and that's what I would do.

You say it has been a couple of bad weeks, but they will be a whole lot better if you severely limit the amount of time spent with him, and do no arguing whatsoever with him.
It isn't like he is going to change.
Nothing will be won by argument.
It is just the same unbroken cycle that's always been unproductive.

Wishing you the best, Beauty.
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faithfulbeauty Mar 24, 2024
@ AlvaDeer,
I pray you are doing well! You are right, nothing will ever be won by an argument because when I try to talk to him about how he treats me, he says I treat him the same way. His words are awful. I really do not believe it is dementia because this is how he has always talked to me. I will limit my time.
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