I have an elderly aunt with no kids or spouse who has been struggling with falls and general health decline for several years. She's made it clear she would prefer me to care for her when health issues arise, and while I don't mind helping out occasionally if needed, I can't be her primary caregiver. I've tried my best to talk with her about care planning given the trajectory of her health- she avoids the topic and shuts it down when it's brought up. Everyone has voiced concern for her physical, mental, and financial health, and anytime anyone tries to intervene, she feels like everyone is interfering in her life. She has also fallen victim to a romance scam and thinks a Hallmark actor is in love with her. She has paid a lot of money in gift cards and no amount of evidence anyone has shown her (information on catfishing, showing her warnings from this actor about scams, etc.) has helped at all. I believe her therapist and PCP are aware of this, and she's already had one wellness check because of her being scammed. She told the police she was fine and nothing was happening. Her PCP recently suggested neuropsych testing, but she has not followed through with this.
She tends to push people away and thinks using guilt will get people to pay attention to and spend time with her. I find myself not wanting to call or spend time with her anymore and feel guilty about this, but it's frustrating that she expects me to take care of her when health issues arise, and yet tells me to stay out of her business when voicing concern for her overall wellbeing. I don't mind helping her navigate systems to set up her own care, but I also don't want to be responsible for her since I have a life of my own, career, and an aging father. I tried to contact a local elder care non-profit for guidance and they will not do a proper consult for her care needs without her consent, which she will not give. I am at a loss. If anyone might have any guidance, I am all ears.
Make it perfectly clear that you will not be her caregiver.
It’s nice of you to want to help her occasionally but she sounds like a woman that if you give her an inch she will want a mile!
So, I wouldn’t give her any reason to believe that you are going to be there for her.
Be honest tell her that you cannot help her and back off, go about the business of living your life.
My aunt was becoming attached to me and my services. She didn't want anyone else helping and my insensitive cousins felt like I should give up my life and my job and move in with aunt and help. They all had excuses why they couldn't, which I understood, but they couldn't understand that I live in another state with a job.
I had POA. Aunt was difficult and in denial. She got rid of the home caregiver I provided and told me she would no longer listen to anyone and she is running her show. I got rid of POA and refused to come visit her and be her crutch. I straight up told her that I cannot be her caregiver. I work and have a life that I want to enjoy. Our relationship is strained now. My aunt is back in the same situation she was in, She's in her filthy house, as she refuses home care and a facility. My cousin visits her once a week. I would advise you to bow out. You have done all that you can.
Let us even assume she gave you POA. She is uncooperative. Acting for someone who won't cooperate would be not only impossible, but a crucible.
You need to call APS and report her and husband as necessary and suggest that the state get guardianship. You cannot force her to be tested. Eventually this will come to the point it always does which is a hospital calling you. At that point they will want you to take her and go away. See to it that you don't. Tell social workers you cannot intervene in their care.
I would not help. You are enabling her not to recognize what is happening. The fact she is gifting this money makes her in danger of no medicaid when they have no money. Please report the expenditures to APS.