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I have an elderly aunt with no kids or spouse who has been struggling with falls and general health decline for several years. She's made it clear she would prefer me to care for her when health issues arise, and while I don't mind helping out occasionally if needed, I can't be her primary caregiver. I've tried my best to talk with her about care planning given the trajectory of her health- she avoids the topic and shuts it down when it's brought up. Everyone has voiced concern for her physical, mental, and financial health, and anytime anyone tries to intervene, she feels like everyone is interfering in her life. She has also fallen victim to a romance scam and thinks a Hallmark actor is in love with her. She has paid a lot of money in gift cards and no amount of evidence anyone has shown her (information on catfishing, showing her warnings from this actor about scams, etc.) has helped at all. I believe her therapist and PCP are aware of this, and she's already had one wellness check because of her being scammed. She told the police she was fine and nothing was happening. Her PCP recently suggested neuropsych testing, but she has not followed through with this.



She tends to push people away and thinks using guilt will get people to pay attention to and spend time with her. I find myself not wanting to call or spend time with her anymore and feel guilty about this, but it's frustrating that she expects me to take care of her when health issues arise, and yet tells me to stay out of her business when voicing concern for her overall wellbeing. I don't mind helping her navigate systems to set up her own care, but I also don't want to be responsible for her since I have a life of my own, career, and an aging father. I tried to contact a local elder care non-profit for guidance and they will not do a proper consult for her care needs without her consent, which she will not give. I am at a loss. If anyone might have any guidance, I am all ears.

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Don’t suggest things to your aunt that are best for her. She’s not interested in hearing them.

Make it perfectly clear that you will not be her caregiver.

It’s nice of you to want to help her occasionally but she sounds like a woman that if you give her an inch she will want a mile!

So, I wouldn’t give her any reason to believe that you are going to be there for her.
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allym112 Mar 15, 2024
That's a great observation that is hard to see when in it- even if she doesn't demand more of my time and/or assistance, she will continue to try guilting me into giving more than I can. She's about to be transferred to rehab after a recent fall, which is what prompted me posting here. I can only imagine what she might need help with once home. Thank you.
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Don't get any further involved with her or her issues. Her behavior is beyond your ability to help or resolve.

Be honest tell her that you cannot help her and back off, go about the business of living your life.
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allym112 Mar 15, 2024
Thank you so much.
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I would back off on aunt after making it clear that you’ve done all you can. The invitation to help her in any way is off is she won’t let you help now when things are way, way worse.
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allym112 Mar 15, 2024
Thank you for helping with keeping things in perspective.
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I could have written this post myself, excluding the romance scam.
My aunt was becoming attached to me and my services. She didn't want anyone else helping and my insensitive cousins felt like I should give up my life and my job and move in with aunt and help. They all had excuses why they couldn't, which I understood, but they couldn't understand that I live in another state with a job.
I had POA. Aunt was difficult and in denial. She got rid of the home caregiver I provided and told me she would no longer listen to anyone and she is running her show. I got rid of POA and refused to come visit her and be her crutch. I straight up told her that I cannot be her caregiver. I work and have a life that I want to enjoy. Our relationship is strained now. My aunt is back in the same situation she was in, She's in her filthy house, as she refuses home care and a facility. My cousin visits her once a week. I would advise you to bow out. You have done all that you can.
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allym112 Mar 16, 2024
I'm so sorry that you've also found yourself in a similar spot. It's crazy that you live in another state and your cousins expected you to uproot yourself and move in to care for her. I had an aunt related by marriage ask why I couldn't drive the aunt I'm dealing with to appointments and stay with her after her last (minor) surgery. It was so frustrating that she would even suggest that not really knowing my life. The assumption is that I can take care of her because I don't have kids even though I am married. Though your relationship is strained now, it takes a lot of strength to stick to your boundaries like that. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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I would stay out of this.
Let us even assume she gave you POA. She is uncooperative. Acting for someone who won't cooperate would be not only impossible, but a crucible.

You need to call APS and report her and husband as necessary and suggest that the state get guardianship. You cannot force her to be tested. Eventually this will come to the point it always does which is a hospital calling you. At that point they will want you to take her and go away. See to it that you don't. Tell social workers you cannot intervene in their care.

I would not help. You are enabling her not to recognize what is happening. The fact she is gifting this money makes her in danger of no medicaid when they have no money. Please report the expenditures to APS.
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allym112 Mar 15, 2024
I appreciate your thoughtful response and advice to contact APS. I began putting more space between us some time ago and have been working on the guilt for setting firmer boundaries and the space I've put there. She is not at all self-aware and does not see why her siblings and other loved ones have taken a step back. She just tells anyone who will listen that everyone has abandoned her. It breaks my heart to watch this happen, and to know that her present actions are going to affect long-term health outcomes. While I care about her, I just can't deal with the drama anymore. I will be sure to report what's been going on and let them look into things. Thank you🌻
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Sadly, it's very unlikely you'll be able to stop the scammer. I tried over and over to stop my mom paying phone and computer scammers. I did a total identity theft cleanup for her twice. I had no power to stop it until she was placed.
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allym112 Mar 16, 2024
I can only imagine how frustrating it's been for you. These scammers are relentless. There were moments I thought we had some clarity to only then find her still involved. When I spoke with her yesterday, I was willing to hear about the current state of her health but when she began talking about her "fiancé", I told her that I did not want to talk about it. She knows my thoughts on everything and I have nothing more to add, though that did not stop her from continuing on. I also refuse to entertain any of these notions knowing this person is bleeding her dry (I believe they've already received over $100,000 in gift cards). I appreciate you sharing your experience.
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While your Aunt is in Rehab, have her evaluated for 24/7 care. Explain she is being taken avantage of and there is no one who can physically care for her. If its found she is 24/7 care then it an "unsafe discharge" if no ine willing to take her care over. Withno immediate family, the State can take over her care. Don't allow them to tell u that you need to provide that care. Do not pick her up from Rehab. As soon as u walk thru those doors, you are considered the responsible party.
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allym112 Mar 16, 2024
Thank you for the suggestion! This is the first time she's been in rehab after a fall and I believe the plan is for her to be there for 10 days beginning today. She has been trying to guilt me into visiting with her. Maybe I will go when a social worker or others on the care team are more likely to be present and explain the situation. She definitely needs a lot more care than what any of us can provide.
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I am myself a single woman who recently faced the need for more assistance after a non injury fall. My sister and friends were helping but it is too much to ask of them. I am 74. I do not have the psychological issues as I conduct my own financial and medical issues. However, you are facing the issue of independence and control. It was difficult to embrace help and “strangers” in my home. However c strangers became friends and improved my social and emotional life. Sometimes the best you can do is identify a very good company of caregivers who vet their personnel with criminal and background checks and who may be bonded. Make an appointment with them and introduce them to your aunt during a lunch visit. You are caring and given the scam issue part of the caregiving is companionship therefore perhaps alleviating need for love interests. Definitely pursue all medical evaluations. I was convinced and it took me about 2weeks to acclimate to this new situation. I love what they can do for me and am grateful for their company. The flexibility of shifts and time in home can be discussed with company. Some care may be private pay.
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allym112 Mar 29, 2024
I really appreciate your perspective. It's tough to be facing a change in ability and independence, even if it's temporary. It's great that you've built new bonds with those who are helping you, and I am hoping my aunt can do the same. She struggles with her mental health and her cognition is not what it used to be, so she would benefit from more supports. I asked her again today if she would be willing to get an evaluation for services by a nonprofit we're familiar with and it seems like she's coming around to the idea now that she care providers are encouraging her to look into assisted living. Thank you again for sharing your experience!
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allym112: Don't be guilt tripped by a woman who is not interested in managing her own life.
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allym112 Mar 29, 2024
Thank you for the support. I'm standing firm with my boundaries, and while she's not happy about it, it is what it is.
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She could hire a geriatric care manager. Let her know that there is such a thing and bow out.
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allym112 Mar 15, 2024
Thank you for the suggestion. Given recent events, a more direct conversation will be had once she gets home about the reality of the situation and boundary setting.
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