Hello, My 85 year old mom and I have always been extremely close. My mom is my best friend and she is my heart. Her health has been deteriorating over the last year. As of today she is so sick, she doesn't eat or drink because she throws it back up. Her legs are so swollen she can't walk and she sleeps constantly. I think she may be at the end stage of life. I am the only sibling who has ever been by her side, even through the disrespect, and horrible things she would say to me quite frequently. She specifically told she wants to stay in the house and No doctors or anyone is allowed in the house. I can see she is in alot of pain.But I am following her wishes and doing what she told me. I go over there daily as long as I can. But I am unable to stay the whole day as I have health issues myself. I was wondering what does a person do when a parent is like this. Absolutely no one in the house and No hospital or doctors at all. She wants to pass in the house. I cry alot. I am so sad because we no longer have 2 to 3 and 4 hours of conversation, sometimes more. Is there anyone who can give Some advice on this matter. Thank you very much!
Because hospice requires 24/7 care, mom HAD to accept the fact that I couldn’t provide it all myself, as I had a home, family and job. But hiring someone to come in against her wishes was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Luckily, mom built a good relationship with the first caregiver, and I was able to bring in more help over time.
My mom passed away almost 7 months ago. I do not regret for one moment making the decision, against her wishes, to bring in help. Mom got to die at home the way she wanted to. She was clean, well fed, had proper medication and did not suffer (beyond the inevitable suffering that comes with a fatal illness). I was lucky enough to be by her side when she actually died.
I she was in hospice for over six months. I couldn’t have done it alone. Things would have been much worse for her had I tried. I’m sorry for what you are going through, and I wish you the best.
Call hospice and get an RN out to the house or call 911 and they will take her to the emergency room. If she does not want treatment to extend her life calling hospice is might be the better choice.
Please call hospice or 911. It is the humane thing to do and will get her access to pain meds.
Your mother has placed a terrible burden on you with her unreasonable demands. Also, allowing her to suffer could be considered elder neglect. There are penalties for that.
Be the grownup and act like one. You have a moral responsibility that outweighs what your mother has ordered you to do, and I wish you peace in taking care of her - not as she wishes, but as you should.
They will evaluate her along with talking to her doctor.
The Nurse will make sure she is comfortable. the Nurse will also order any equipment and medical supplies that you will need.
A CNA will be assigned and the CNA will give m om a bath, shower or a bed bath if that is necessary. And the CNA will order all the personal supplies that you will need.
More important they will reassure you and mom that her comfort is priority.
they will give you both emotional support.
Unless it is medically unsafe mom can remain at home.
The Hospice Nurse will take care of everything when mom dies, they will make the call to the funeral home. (If you have one chosen let them know on their first visit so they have that information.)
((hugs))
I don't think you'll be able to live with yourself if you let her suffer up to the end. I know I wouldn't be able to.
You must now do what is in the best interest of your mom despite what she has said in the past.
I pray that your mom is not living by herself right now and that you have other family members staying with her when you can't be there, as she shouldn't be alone.
Hospice will allow her to stay at home and die at home as long as someone is with her 24/7. they will have a nurse come once a week to start and aides to come bathe her at least twice week, along with supplying all needed equipment, supplies and medications all covered 100% under your moms Medicare.
So PLEASE I'm begging you, call hospice right now and they will come out and do an assessment, and get your mom under their care ASAP.
And if needed hospice can take your mom to their hospice home when she's actively dying, which is not a hospital but a beautiful, peaceful home where she will receive excellent 24/7 care and be able to die in peace. And again it will be covered 100% under your mom Medicare.
I would all APS tomorrow, Adult Protective Services to see about your mother and to do a "wellness check" on her.
Now you have ALSO the option of saying "This is what my mother wants. She understands that she is dying and she wishes to do it in her own home without medical assistance." That is an option most people will tell you is "wrong". But if this is your mother's wish, if your mother is rational and understands that she may DIE of something that can be treated medically, then you may have to make this choice for yourself.
Your mother is apparently not/never was a cooperative person, nor a very satisfied person. She has asked to be allowed to die in her own home. I have a neighbor two doors over who did just exactly this, telling her daughter not to call medics. She did die at home.
We all will die. Your mother has had a long life. She seems ready to make her own exit in her own way. On the other hand she sounds to be in need of medical treatment that may give her some short time more with treatment.
I am afraid this isn't a decision I would make for you. I once would have told you in no uncertain terms to call paramedics or APS. At 82 I begin to feel somewhat differently about it as I more approach the end of my own life, and end I won't honestly be terribly sad to see come. There isn't a lot of "upside" ahead.
My thoughts: It's unnecessary suffering, even if she does want to pass away in her own home. She can be treated for the acute issues and pain and come back home with hospice in place.
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