What can I do to do better at dealing with my mom’s increased dementia?
My Mom is 91 years old and she’ll be 92 Christmas Eve. I’ve been here before and it wasn’t that bad a year ago. Since then she had atrial fibrillation and another UTI. Kidney stones and surgery. She’s had kidney stone surgery at least 5 times since 2015. She says repeatedly she doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s confused and she reminds me she’s 91 and that was a few times a week. It’s annoying and I sometimes can go along with it but other times it annoys me quite a bit. She feels lonely and I like to be alone. I do spend some time with her but not like before Oct when she didn’t have home care from 2 Sisters. They are here in our new 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment by the lake. 7:30 am to 1:30 pm. Monday through Friday 3:30pm to 8:00 or 8:30 pm. It seems my Mom is ready for palliative care and that’s at night I think. She wakes up at 9:30 pm or 1:00 am thinking it’s late in morning. I need to tell her she’s supposed to be sleeping. She takes 25mg Quetiapine before she goes to bed. It’s not strong enough apparently because she gets up and she shouts for me. I’ve heard my own name from her more times than I want. It’s worn out thanks to dementia. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. Can a psychologist help me because a therapist at Sondermind by video conference wasn’t that helpful. She ended up sending a Caseworker and cop from the Police Department to check on me. My Mom was in the hospital and I was alone with my Mom’s dog Dobie. The therapist said I wasn’t in trouble and a Deputy was at the door to see how I was. I was trying to get diagnosed again for ADHD and the last time was when I was about 10 years old. The therapist was telling me to get diagnosed for autism spectrum disorder? Why? I didn’t agreed with that so I didn’t get the diagnosis from a psychiatrist. Well Season’s Greetings and Merry Christmas. I have been pretty depressed since I heard about my Dad in Miami being determined incapacitated because he fell and had blunt force trauma last Feb. Had multiple seizures and was in a icu induced coma for 12 days. My younger sister is getting full guardianship so she can take care of him. It’s sad even if I didn’t get along too well with him. I know I have gone through a lot and it’s made me pretty strong but geez. Ever onward. All I can do is pray and have faith.
9 Answers
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I would contact social services at once with the next hositalization and say you can no longer do in home care for your mother due to your own mental and physical health. And yes, I would continue in therapy. I would see someone in your own area. I don't have a lot of faith or hear a lot of good things about online.
I wish you the best.
Why are you living together to begin with? Maybe one of your sisters can take her in. A person caring for an elder with dementia needs a LOT of patience because the dementia continues to worsen. Not all of us have a lot of patience or understand that an elder with dementia can't help repeating themselves or calling out for help at night because they can't sleep. Your mom may be better off in a nursing home now where she'd get 24/7 help and you could go back to living alone.
Take AlvaDeers advice, that's my suggestion, and find some in- person therapy to help you with your issues.
Happy Holidays and good luck to you.
Keeping her properly wiped after a bathroom visit and making sure that her depends and/or pad is clean is another help.
The calling your name constantly and not knowing whether it's day or night when she wakes up are all part of the dementia and there is not much you can do to stop it other than sedating her or giving her something for anxiety.
I've also felt at times like I was going to have a nervous breakdown from caring for my mother. With the Lord's help, I've made this far but it's been a very difficult season of my life. There's nothing easy or fun about caring 24/7/365 for an elderly LO with dementia.
My DH is right where you are--old mom, dementia and lots of screaming and fussing when it's his turn to babysit her.
I joke with him that when she's 'raging' it's one Xanax for Mom and one Xanax for him and they'll BOTH have a better night.
(NO, of course he's not taking her meds--it's a dark joke).
It does sound like you mom could do with Palliative Care, at the minimum. She may even qualify for Hospice Care. IDK. She needs to be evaluated and the decision made to move in either direction. IME, they aren't much different. My MIL is 'technically' in Palliative Care, but it seems just like Hospice. She stopped all her meds and takes only calming meds and one mild pain pill. It keeps her level and able to deal with her ongoing fight with dementia.
As far as the Seroquel--that's a drug that can be titrated up or down by quite a bit. I take it every night, it was the perfect drug for me to insure I would SLEEP. I take anywhere from 50-200 mgs at night. And I have taken one during the day on a rare occasion when I am totally freaking out. Talk to mom's Dr about increasing that dose so at least you're getting sleep!!
You do need help to deal with this!! Half of the problem of depression/anxiety is simply accepting you need help!
Reach out to your PCP for a referral and possibly a start of a low dose antidepressant and antianxiety med. Be patient as they begin to work. Sounds like the video chat didn't go well--but at least you tried.
Don't give up!! Dealing with a LO with dementia is like dealing with a toddler. Except it's worse.
Don't try to 'fix' mom. Accept the new norm. Get some help for yourself and get away from the house if she is there with you all the time.
BTW--Psychologists cannot prescribe drugs. They tend to do counseling and therapy. Psychiatrists are MDs and prescribe the drugs. SOME do therapy (mine does, but only b/c I have known him for close on 30 years and he knows me in and out). But before you can match up with a psychiatrist, you could get your PCP to prescribe an antidepressant.
Get mom on something to help HER sleep all night and YOU get some earplugs or headphones and block out the sounds around you.
Praying wouldn't go amiss, either. Good Luck to you!!
((Hugs)) you really need some. Be aware that this time of year is very fake and often leaves us depressed people WAY more depressed. Ride it out--and set some goals to get mom appropriate care in 2024. BUT--more important, take care of you!
Your mother lived a long life so now it’s your turn to enjoy what time you have left! If she’s in a facility your mental health will improve. Sacrificing some things may be in order to keep her there, but, you can’t put a price on peace of mind.
Also, consider asking her urologist to set her (and your sister as her Medical Rep) up with a nutritionist who will help give guidance about what foods to avoid for kidney stones. I have the same problem and just recently had to have another one removed due to size and embedded location. There are supplements that can be taken that help mitigate the stone making, if they did an analysis on her last removal and know the composition.
BetterHelp.com is online therapists. Maybe give them a go. Wishing you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart!
connects w ‘The Spectrum’. I’d say please check into this for yourself and your future. Also, the caseworker and welfare check from law enforcement are something that happens often to our loved ones and to those caring for them- i almost had a nurse my son was seeing call them to go to Mon’s home when i was still caring for her in her home- after a bad flood the pest problem on the high end of the street became
horrible fast and we struggled to keep up until calling in pest pros- just glad he stopped seeing the nosey nurse. Can you possibly leave the house to see an adhd pro? Do you drive? I’ve gotten myself into the
stay at home for caregiving either for spouse or for mom or both and struggle to put on decent clothes turn off the screen and leave home. Did i read you have hired carers for mom?