My mom was supposed to go to a Senior Nursing Facility. When they arrived to transport her there, she reused to go because she won't leave her dogs! We had talked about this for several weeks and all along she said she understood she needed care. She does have short term memory loss, and I worried if she would remember these conversations. We don't live in the same state, and because of my medical issues, I can't take care of her. She can no longer perform activities of daily living, let alone take care of her dogs. What can I do?
So what arrangements are made for the dogs?
And if there is no short term memory, who is POA and who is willing to get guardianship if needed in order to protect the safety of Mom?
Too much missing here, and I can imagine myself unwilling to leave as well.
How many dogs does she have? What provisions can be made for them if she can’t take them with her?
Is she competent to make her own decisions and does she have resources to provide for her pets?
Where did the dogs come from? Many shelters and rescues require notification or return if the animals they place need to be rehomed. If she can afford it, a donation would be appropriate.
Anyway to check out some facilities near to you that allow pets? Or maybe a private home in her area where she could live with her pets?
They love you unconditionally, they comfort you, you can tell them your troubles, and they never judge you.
It's not something easy to say good-bye to your best companions and walk away. Even when a person has dementia.
Make an arrangement with the nursing home for your mother to be able to visit her dogs weekly.
There are volunteers who actually do this. I had a friend who did volunteer work as a companion to the elderly. A person like this will take her to visit her dogs.
Some facilities allow dogs to "visit". They have to have special permission and be with a handler though.
Do a little research and I'm sure you'll be able to find people who will help with your mother still being able to see her dogs.
Most AL facilities will allow pets as long as the resident can care for the pet. So she would have to care for the pet or hire someone that can help her.
If the facility chosen does not allow pets I would look for another that does.
The other option is to have caregivers come in and help mom. This could be anything from someone coming in in the morning to get her going then coming in in the evening to someone 24/7.
The big concern that I see is who is POA for her?
If she has memory problems and has not appointed anyone POA when the time comes to actually place her in Memory Care or Skilled Nursing you may have a difficult battle on your hands. You may have to become her Guardian and that can be an expensive, time consuming proposition. If she is currently cognitive get the paperwork done now if it has not been done.
I urge everyone to research all possible options to compassionately set the elder up so they can have their animals as long as possible. And just as change is very hard as one ages, to lose one's beloved animals is just another rupture in the household; even after a companion animal dies there is a sense of a 'hole' in the energy of the home, a 'disturbance in The Force' if you will, because there is, and it brings its own level of grief. 'Animal people' get it. Just because this elder 'understood she needed care' does not indicate her beloved animals would be provided for and not just ditched, because they need care too which she provided as best she could. Please find a good alternative. Maybe someone in her locale can adopt them and bring them to visit her, out of the goodness of their heart or for a fee.
Another organization to consider is called https://www.petsfortheelderly.org/, which places pets with other elderly-but-able individuals once their owners are unable to care for them. That might be something to try if you cannot have the dogs rehomed with friends or relatives.
https://www.npr.org/2023/09/06/1197824640/a-stray-dog-kept-showing-up-at-a-nursing-home-residents-finally-adopted-it#:~:text=Hourly%20News-,A%20stray%20dog%20kept%20showing%20up%20at%20a%20nursing%20home,fan%20that%20they%20adopted%20Scout.
I disagree with this. She may well come up with another excuse, but I absolutely believe she is attached to her dogs, and this is a valid reason she would not want to go. She is showing the loyalty and love for her pets that they have shown to her, and it's totally normal AND EXPECTED. My dad (who had dementia) wouldn't leave until he knew his dog had a good home, and as my husband and I are dog people, we took in his 14 year old Schmoodle (Shitzu, Malteze, Poodle).
Trying to not be judgemental here, but why was finding the dogs new homes not taken into consideration before trying to take mom to a facility? Some people do not like dogs or cats, and just can't understand how important they are to those of us who do (I have an uncle like that...he's not a bad person, just doesn't have feelings for pets for some reason).
Believe it or not, there actually are people who are looking to take on the care of an elderly pet, as they may have just lost one, and their remaining dog or cat might take to an elderly new housemate, more readily than a new puppy or kitten. Please check out fostering on line, and keep in mind that it would probably be best for the person to come spend some time with them a couple of times before leaving with them, so the pet is not totally freaked out, going off with someone completely new.
It will give your mother peace of mind knowing her pets are comfortable in their new home, and not stressed out....who knows, she might actually be willing to go to a senior home then, as without her pets she likely will be lonely and ready for the next chapter where she might meet new people in a new place.
Another thought....and this might not be doable, as it would be a hard choice to make if she has more than one dog/cat, but some facilites will allow one small pet to be brought along. Something to think about....
Some facilities have visiting pet programs!
If you love in different states how often were you able to visit your mom? I’ll bet not too often. That is not a judgement, it’s just the way it is and I totally get it.
So just remember that. If you want her to go to a nursing facility then you also have to consider her extended family (dogs)
There have been many great suggestions on this forum for you to explore. The best thing would be to have her dogs in a place that accepts them. If she can’t take care of them properly then reforming to a good home is what should be done. I wish you lots of luck and good vibes because this is not easy. I wish you and your mom to have the best possible outcome so she can get the help she needs and you can have peace with this.
Would I let her go to the store by herself to get cat and dog food at 95? No need to. Since this lady's definitely got a loving relationship going with her dogs, she can take care of them ... WITH HELP. If it would have helped my mom, you better know it that I'd be feeding those pups every day and taking them to the vet so she could reap the benefits having them near. The only thing I was concerned about was once they are in her long term memory, if something happens to them, she's gonna ask about them and want to see them.
Story about short & long term memory. One day we were at the grocery store leaving, when mom suddenly didn't recognize me. The guard came over and read my license and hers and once she saw him reading out my name and address and hers was the same, she was relieved. Then I started talking about her sisters and mom and the farm and the old days. That was in 2010 and it never happened again until 2013 during a hurricane. We went off to live in Alabama for two full years from Christmas 2011 to January 12th, 2014. There on the coast she got confused and wasn't sure of me. I had the police come and when she saw them calling me by my name, reading my license, calling me her son, she relaxed and that was that.
Each time I learned some new tricks to reassure her who I was. Knowing her favorite songs. Singing them. Actively talking about her life that she remembers. Being happy around her, never upset, never mad, always smiling, always asking what she wants to do, always taking her to church and letting her see all our friends we were making, talkiing to her and me, going to private home meetings and Bible studies where she was treated wth respect and dignity by most of the people. (Mom took glasses on a counter one time. Oh it was a fiasco privately as the homeowner was close to us, and her husband. Do you have the sunglasses? Let me check. They blamed it on her condition, but it wasnt that at all. I pulled out my glasses to show them, we had the same exact brand with one slight difference. Mom rightly thought I left my sunglasses on the counter! So they sterrotyped her and then had to apologize. The gal actually said to my face, "You know your mother has a problem, don't you? And she wanted an answer. How arrogant of her! ;d Honestly. How arrogant. All the meds I give her and I wouldn't know?) Now how does a late stage AD patient know those are my glasses? She was late stage when we left in 2011.
Another story for you. We went to a chiropractor for her because she slipped and the fall messed with the little bone that causes sciatic issues. We go in, regular session, one every week at that time, and she's on her stomach, he pushes down, and the table collapses as it's made to do, and she groans, Oh! You hurt me. She then got up, and we left as usual, and she stops to tell everyone in the office waiting, He hurt me. He really hurt me! I smiled and we left. THEN THE VERY NEXT WEEK, we go back in, and as he comes in and says Okay, we're gonna get on the table here, she walks over to sit down and says, "You're not gonna hurt me like you did last week, are you?"
He just looked at me and raised his eyebrows and I nodded, Yes, doctor, I keep telling people, AD isn't like everyone thinks it is. Maybe it was the pain associated with it. She remembers if someone hurts her, like getting poked with a needle to get B12. But of all the nootropics, the CBD, whatever I tried, the greatest breakthrough for mama was the day I discovered Tylenol is the only NSAID to cross the blood brain barrier and stop her brain inflammation.
I doubt that any dog lover could simply walk away from their beloved fur babies.
It would still be hard to leave pets knowing that the dogs were rehoused. It would be excruciating to abandon pets that she dearly loves. She has to either bring her pets with her or to at least know that they will be properly cared for.
She's obviously attached. Perhaps you need to consider her living in a home environment with several other seniors where that home allows her to have her dogs. The constant attention she gives the dogs is keeping her mind as active as it is. Once you remove them, since they are likely in her long term memory, and even if just for the short term, she's going to have a major depressive episode.
Maybe you can rethink your own life and figure out a way to live with her, and join forces, to each have your own caregivers, and coordinate them. I was crippled 30 years to through 50 years unable to walk and I took care of MY mom. You can do a lot more than you think.
Since I have no real details further than you gave, that's all I will say for now. I'm hoping the dogs are tiny ones. I'm hoping you can find a way to just go live with your mom. She is a treasure for you. Start giving her tylenol 1/2 a 325mg tab twice a day if her liver is okay. A 1/4 twice daily is worthwhile as well. It will help stop the inflammation in the brain that is associated with Alzheimer Dementia and allow the brain to heal itself. A major part of why AD gets worse over time is because the brain is fighting two conditions: the physical issues going on like tangles, but just as bad is inflammation of the brain. So the body is doing double duty trying to repair the brain, but it can't keep up. HOWEVER, once you eliminate the inflammation, those resources formerly divided among two tasks can now focus on repairing the brain.
Yes, the brain repairs itself, or.. the body repairs it. Get slugged, have a wreck and get a concusson, that's a bruise of the brain. Guess what! The body repairs the bruise over time. You can also give her Tyrosine, Galantamine, PQQ, NMN and other nootropics. My mother went from sundowning and walking around the home at 3am to no more sundowning and at 3am after going to pee went straight back to bed. I was able to reduce her Lorazepam from 4.5mg to 1mg daily and her Aricept from 23mg daily to 15 1/3mg with no side effects.
THAT reduction in her meds started after I began treating her with Tylenol. Acetaminophen. Why that? Because she regularly took a pain reliever, so you can substitute it for any other one. But why that one? Look it up. Tylenol is the ONLY NSAID that crosses the blood-brain barrier. So it's the ONLY ONE that can get into the brain to stop the inflammation going on there.
What's that mean? Let me define NSAID for you:
NSAID: Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug. ANTI-INFLAMMATORY.
So naturally you want an ANTI-INFLAMMATORY that gets into the brain.
Which ones do that? Just one. ONLY ONE.
These NSAIDs can't cross the blood-brain barrier nor get into the brain! So...
Aspirin doesn't stop inflammation in the brain!
celecoxib (Celebrex) doesn't stop inflammation in the brain!
Ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin) doesn't stop inflammation in the brain.
Naproxene (Aleve, Flanax, Naprosyn) doesn't stop inflammation in the brain.
flurbiprofen doesn't stop inflammation in the brain.
ketorolac doesn't stop inflammation in the brain.
ketoprofen Oruvail doesn't stop inflammation in the brain.
tolmetin doesn't stop inflammation in the brain.
NONE OF THESE stop inflammation in the brain either:
indomethacin Indocin, Tivorbex
sulindac Clinoril
piroxicam Feldene
mefenamic acid Ponstel
meloxicam Mobic
diclofenac Cataflam, Voltaren, Zipsor, Zorvolex
etodolac
Acetaminophen (N-acetyl-para-aminophenol, paracetamol: APAP)...Morse originally synthesized it in 1878...since the 1980’s APAP became the first drug of choice for treatment of pain...APAP was initially categorized an NSAID...APAP CROSSES THE BLOOD BRAIN BARRIER WITH EASE and is distributed homogeneously THROUGHOUT THE CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM (CNS)
I never take one large daily dose. I break it down into multiple doses because I want to keep it on an even, steady keel with no overloading of my system. During active hours is a good time so that it circulates well. Give when she's wanting to drink fluids to help dilute it and distribute it. I always consider my liver, even though my is like mom's, in great shape.
I hold multiple degrees in Psychology along with multiple in Languages, and my expertise is Alzheimer's.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4912877/
ACETAMINOPHEN; FROM LIVER TO BRAIN: NEW INSIGHTS INTO DRUG PHARMACOLOGICAL ACTION AND TOXICITY - PMC (nih.gov)
If she needs help with paying for care check there are some wonderful ones. We have one here called IRIS. She can pick who she wants for health care givers (including family).
I don't blame her a bit for not wanting to give up her dogs! I wouldn't either. Dogs give you so much love and are always there for you. They are part of the family. In a nursing facility, they often don't care about you and people become very depressed. Please don't do that to your mother.
That is such a tough situation! Our Mom doesn't need a SNF yet, but she is currently in an assisted living community that allows pets. I have begged my two siblings to help me come up with a plan for her dog when/if she has to go into the hospital or a SNF or actually passes away. Both siblings don't have any pets, and have plenty of room to take the dog, but travel a lot for their jobs and show no interest having pets. And tbh, our Mom's dog is not well trained, and barks alot and fights with other dogs. Needless to say, the assisted living community where she lives has been a godsend in allowing her to keep the dog. However, most of the dog's care falls to me "because I live closer", I take her to the vet, the groomer, and line up dog walkers (I walk her myself once or twice a week). I have my own very anxious rescue dog and a timid older cat, in a small house. My daughter only has a small apartment with a FIV+ cat.
Food for thought: While I am a huge dog lover, I see the writing on the wall. I am 60, and if I am lucky, my current dog will be with me into my early 70s. I know circumstances change, but my plan at that point is either to volunteer at a shelter and/or adopt an older dog with decent training, AND have a plan should something happen to me. My parents had no business getting a puppy they weren't prepared to adequately train or exercise. And then my dad passed away, and my Mom who was 77 at the time with mental health issues, couldn't understand why this untrained, wild dog wasn't a fluffy toy that quietly sat in her lap and read her mind. Despite the initial struggles, my Mom doted on her dog, and we felt it was extremely important to keep them together when we moved her to assisted living. So, note to self - if you get another pet, have a back up plan, just like you would for your human family. Never assume you are going to outlive your pet.
My Mom is now 87 and her dog is 12. The dog is calmer, but still can't be around other dogs. And its up to me to figure out what do with the dog when something happens. It has been really difficult actually. I have talked to the vet, the dog walkers, other organizations. My husband is adamant that we not take the dog due to our animal situation and he is right. I'm getting zero support from my siblings. Hoping an angel adopter comes along at the right time, I guess.
People like that are out there. Try adoption websites.
A skilled nursing facility won't allow pets. Period. If she needs skilled nursing then the only options are to provide it at home (big, big bucks) or go to a SNF. Some people have already made some suggestions about what to do with the dogs.
If she doesn't need a SNF but can get away with a board-and-care then some board-and-care facilities do allow pets and she could take her dogs with her. As was mentioned, some assisted livings do, too, but that doesn't sound like an option.
I'm am sorry. I think that people over a certain age should rethink having dogs/cats unless they make provisions for them. When my mom's cat died she got another one despite us telling her not to and now we will all pay for the short-sighted decision. It would be a lot easier to find a home for her one cat instead of the two she has now.