My mom was supposed to go to a Senior Nursing Facility. When they arrived to transport her there, she reused to go because she won't leave her dogs! We had talked about this for several weeks and all along she said she understood she needed care. She does have short term memory loss, and I worried if she would remember these conversations. We don't live in the same state, and because of my medical issues, I can't take care of her. She can no longer perform activities of daily living, let alone take care of her dogs. What can I do?
One of my mom’s home health nurses was so lovely. She told us about one of her patients who had a cute little dog that took to her as soon as she met her.
The old woman was going to live in a nursing home and couldn’t take her dog with her.
The woman asked this nurse if she would be willing to take the dog because the dog truly loved her and she said she would be so happy knowing that her dog was loved.
The nurse agreed to take her dog and the dog adjusted well in her new home. Happy ending for the woman, the nurse and the dog!
Many of us long for a peaceful death for ourselves or the people we are caring for. Many elderly people also long for a peaceful death for themselves, when their bodies or their future lives aren’t working out well. "I hope I die in my sleep". The option is already there in some places, and there is a lot of pressure to make it more widely available. The opposition is usually religious.
A peaceful death is not a bad option for pets, too, when circumstances have changed and their care becomes very difficult. The vet can arrange it so that they do not suffer.
The dogs could be adopted out or other arrangements could be made.
You are hugely jumping to conclusions - and your response doesn't address the emotional attachment of this woman's relationship and feelings about her dogs. I question if you mis-read the post? as your response doesn't make any sense, or clearly misses the point.
Could someone else take the dogs ? and visit her?
If she won't remember conversations you have with her, how will she remember to feed / take care of the dogs?
[I worked with a client who had a lovely dog - I took care of a lot of her needs when I was there 3-4 x / week. Although if I wasn't there, the poop would build up on the patio (pads) to the point the dog started to poop in the small apartment. I also took the dog to the vet as needed.
Clearly it sounds like your mom would need a caregiver to take care of the dogs although I realize this isn't your question).
Does she / can she take care of the dogs - now - in the future?
If she cannot, she'll need to surrender the dogs at some points - not easy any time.
If it possible for her to move into a facility that'll take dogs (I know, a shot in the dark asking). In Mill Valley - The Redwoods allows dogs. Although this development is several levels of care, not a nursing home.
There is no easy way to address this. It is a MAJOR LOSS for your mom.
(I see it with several clients - some have had strokes and family immediately takes the dog away).
I'll read some of the others' responses. My suggestion would be to listen to your mom - her emotional pain and provide reflective listening ("I hear you saying ... I know you feel xxx").
That she doesn't want to move due to this bonding with her beloved dogs (is very close to my heart, too although I don't have any I'm sad to say) and I am functional / could have a dog here.
Bottom line, it is either
1) up to her to move or not, depending on your legal authority
2) if she has decision making;
3) if she has short term memory loss, it seems to be your decision
4) Her welfare and safety comes first. If she needs care, the dogs are secondary, no matter how difficult the parting / separation of her and her dogs. It is a heartbreaking situation.
Gena / Touch Matters
Apparently, the forum has many people who love animals! Hey, some pets are nicer than some people that we know, right? 😊
this is so sad.
good luck & hugs 🤗
Your Mom has memory loss so no point in hoping she will remember anything (been there, done that with my MIL). If she asks about the dogs after they leave, tell her they need to get vet check-ups/updated vaccinations before they can be approved to come back. Then if she continues to ask about them you can tell her the same story or whatever will keep her calm and satisfied.
I wish you success in helping her and her pets transition in their new homes.
This is one topic on which very little help is given to people with a genuine problem, and most posts will make them feel worse.
We run a sheep farm, and I quite agree with SP that it’s wrong to think that “farm animals have no feelings or sentinentcy because they are raised for food”. Sheep may not be too bright, but we certainly treat ours well. That doesn’t stop them being raised for food. Our neigbors raise beef cattle and also breed dogs for sale. They are both businesses.
If you want to adopt a child to be a ‘member of the family’, here at least there are extensive checks before you are approved for adoption. It might be good if the same applied for pet ‘family members’.
Longer version: It's unlikely to be very helpful, but line up a foster home for the dogs or a rescue if you are unable to keep them yourself. We had the exact situation with my MIL. One year ago she toured a lovely independent living place but wasn't interested because the "yard is too small" for her 75-pound, 12-year-old Shepherd mix. She also adamantly refused the idea that she needed to move and that she was going to burn her house down. The dog is a sweetie, but she was having incontinence issues and MIL never remembered to give her the bladder pills. MIL was frequently forgetting to feed the dog as well. We think the pup was living on treats, which were usually remembered. The house was being taken over by rats, which the dog didn't chase, because MIL kept the flap off the doggie door because the dog wouldn't use the door if the flap were inserted. In Feb 2023 MIL fell and was on the floor for almost 36 hours. (MIL refused to wear a Life Alert and would frequently not answer the phone and her neighbor traveled a lot. We live 120 miles from her, which takes 3 to 5 hours depending on L.A. traffic.) She was in the hospital for a week and skilled nursing for a month. While she was there we were able to bring in a dog rescuer from her senior community. The rescuer cared for the dog for a week while finding a foster home. We were surprised when the foster home fell in love with her. They adopted her. We had to tell MIL that the dog had not been healthy when she went into fostering and that she couldn't stay by herself nor could she come to the assisted living. (AL was the only option according to the EMTs who rescued her - they could assess her living conditions - and per the doctors who cared for her.) But the foster/rescuer was the linchpin to the whole thing with the dog. We were unable to bring her to our house, in case you're wondering, because we are moving to Washington next year to be close to our son, who wants us to make the move so that he doesn't have to deal with long-distance care issues in the future since he has seen our difficulties with his grandma. MIL flatly refuses to move anyplace that is any colder than So Cal because she "paid her dues" by growing up in Minnesota. So there are stubborn people everywhere you turn in this family. Me too, I guess, because it doesn't make sense to me to move down there.