I am the only caregiver for my 95 year old mother. I have been caring for her for 11 years. I had a full time job that I had to change to part time because the stress of caring for her was too much. She lives in her own house that is two hours of driving for me. I have been supporting her whole life for all this time. She is very stubborn and will not change anything about her life. Even when I begged her to move closer to me or get help so I wouldn’t have to do everything. I have had health challenges in the past. Even a surgery that I needed to recuperate from. She allowed an agency for 4 weeks only. As soon as I was cleared to drive she fired the home care. I have a sibling that lives even farther away than me. She will not even consider letting him do anything for her. So she is totally reliant on me. I was holding steady until a couple of months ago. I am very sick now and I was told I have a serious medical condition that will require a serious surgery. Recuperation will be months. I feel like I have failed and I don’t know what to do about my mother. She wants to come and live with me but my husband will have enough on his hands helping me and my recovery. Taking in a 95 year old woman at this time seems almost impossible. Please help me with these feelings of obligation and guilt. I feel like I don’t even have the right to focus on myself now. And that’s crazy. But that’s how I’m feeling.
What mother asks to MOVE IN with a daughter who's sick and scheduled to undergo serious surgery???? A very selfish and egocentric one, that's who! Take off the rose colored glasses and see the truth for what it is!
Pick up a copy of Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend while you're at it, and devise a plan of how to take your life back and set down the necessary boundaries to do so. Your health is on the line now, so please don't wind up dying before your mother does!!!!
Please let us know how you're doing and best of luck with your upcoming surgery.
For immediate help
https://www.boundariesbooks.com/
It will not be the death of her to learn new ways. Brother is not you but that doesn’t make what he has to offer wrong or bad.
When my sister developed cancer, I told her she was out of the caregiving business. She lived near my mom. I was three hours away. I took it on and came once a week to do it all. I was already handling the medical and financial. I added the cleaning and cooking. I also hired a housekeeper towards the end.
My brother also rose to the occasion and took on daily chores. We weren’t always gentle nurses. We talked back and once or twice made someone we had never seen cry have pity parties. We didn’t put up with the things you mentioned but we took care of our mother and did everything we could for her as she wanted. She always had a choice but so did we.
My mother used shame on us as children. We used it right back when she was insensitive to our needs.
Old people get very self centered. They seem to feel their very life depends on it. But amazingly they adapt when they have to and sometimes they are happier for it.
Turn in your resignation and share the labor of love with brother. I wish you all the best with your surgery and recovery. Let us know how you are doing. Big Hugs
Put you mom's number on silent and do not call her back. Necessity is the mother of invention. Take care of you and if mom needs that much help then it is time for assisted living.
Repeat "I cannot possibly do that!"
Is this relationship codependent? Find a therapist to help you end this.
So let your brother do it because of guilt. Who cares? The important thing is to remove YOURSELF from the picture. 11 years of caregiving slavery? Haven't you don enough? You've already gotten stress-induced conditions, right? Do you want to caregive yourself right into the grave? What about your husband? What about his feelings? Your life with him?
Mama's called the shots for way too long. Time to take control of YOUR life.
(P.S. And why won't she even consider letting your brother do anything for her? Why is she intent on taking over your life only?)
Some rephrasing may help? Instead of feeling like you are letting her down, by taking time out for your own very necessary needs, think of the wonderful care you have given her. Your help allowed your Mother to live in her home way past the level of her independence. You gave her that amazing gift. Be proud of that!
Book her the agency care she needs & take the time out you need.
You know her... whether she will turn her campaign towards your brother. That's ok. I say that - not to dump onto him, but it's ok that he will find his own boundaries. Give him the care agency Manager's number. He can't fix Mother's old age either! If Mother wants to blame him - suggest he tell her to blame Mother Nature instead.
Wishing you health & a speedy recovery.
Just how did she know you were cleared to drive?
stop the insanity
She needs an agency to care for her regularly OR she may need to move into AL or a nursing home.
A 2-hour drive, even once you're better, is no longer manageable.
It would be nice if she could live in an AL or Nursing Home that is close to you.
All this said, not sure if you're well enough to look into options right now, so she'll need to rely on an agency in the meantime.
I feel like your good nature has been exploited and now you're paying the price.
Please don't bring her in your house or guess what -- you'll be caring for her while YOU'RE trying to get better.