What to do? This is going to be terribly long, and I'm sorry.
I'm a nanny of about 4 years. My latest position started about 1yr ago, for 2 teenage boys with ADHD, while their dad (my boss) works out of town, 7 days in a row, and then off for 7days. I work 14 days a month. When I interviewed, it was agreed that I would watch the boys, cook for them and their elderly g-ma with mild dementia, and clean his house, for 10.00 an hour. Average nanny here makes 10.00, average house cleaner makes 15.00, but figured I would give him a break on housecleaning. I was also to do med reminders for his elderly mother. As time went on, my boss has slowly added on to my duties. Now I am grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, taking boys to doc appts if sick or for check ups, laundry etc. I also recently found out that the eldest son has low level aspergers(think rainman). Homework with the eldest boy is a nightmare. Not long after I started, it became quite clear that his elderly mother was much worse than what he said. She constantly wanted to drive her car(she had wrecked it w/ the boys with her prior to me working for them, and my boss said she is not to drive, ever. I had to hide keys and listen to her complain constantly about wanting to drive. He now takes her car when he goes out of town, but she still frets over it constantly. I am there for 1 hr in the morn. to get the boys off to school and then I go back 15 min before they get home, until they go to bed at 8:30. I get them fed, homework done,have them shower, and settled into bed. I am on the road an average of 2-3 hours per day for an average of 6 1/2 hours for $65.00 per day. The elderly mother saw a neurologist who ordered her not to drive. She then saw a psych doc who ordered the same thing, and yet she still has her DL, so she still thinks she can drive! After reading the psych eval, her dementia is MUCH worse than what my boss said it was(which I knew from her actions and our interactions when I am there). The eval also states that she is not of sound mind to take care of her own medical, or financial matters and shouldn't be cooking unsupervised etc, and she is not to be left alone. Apparently my boss eluded to this psych doc that I "live in" while he is gone at work, which is a flat out lie. I have told him on numerous occasions that I don't feel it is safe that she is alone with the boys all night, without me there, and that I am afraid she is going to burn the house down. He scoffs and says he doesn't think it is time for that yet(he doesn't want to pay for live in care). She hides stuff in the oven all the time and then forgets its in there. She forgets to feed and potty the dog. She wakes the kids up in the middle of the night, and they are tired all the time. During last summer, I was running them back and forth from his home to her home(her, the boys, the dog, food, clothes etc) because she preferred to be at her home where there is a pool. I cleaned the pool, topped the water off, put chlorine in it etc. She owns numerous rental properties, has retirement,has her social sec, her deceased husbands social sec, owns her home(prob worth $300,000.00),lives at my boss's house. They take numerous vacations every year. My boss takes the boys skiing every time he comes home from work, they keep their boat docked at the marina at the lake all summer long. They are not hurting for $. Now it has come that I am taking his elderly mother to doctor appointments when she's sick, taking her to check ups, because he doesn't want to do it on his days off, taking her to hair appts etc.My boss has even said to me that it is becoming more about caring for his mom, than it is about the boys. I said you're right!!! I am running 18 hour days from the time I have to get up, til I can finally go to bed, and I am wore out. I have fibromyalgia, a fused neck, a pinched lumbar nerve, bilateral sciatica, bilateral carpal tunnel,, tmj,migraines, ministrokes, inflammation on my brain which could belymes, lupus, ra or possible MS. I have white spots on my brain. I'm currently going thru testing right now. Severe insomnia, chronic pain, blahblah. I have lots more wrong but its just to much to write. I don't want your pity. I just need suggestions as to what would be fair to ask for in my situation. Something more in line with the amount of work that I amdoing.maybe a daily rate, a 7day weekly rate and/or a 7 day live in rate???? Thank you for your time! Sorry so long! Ps-i do not get any sick time, no personal time, no vacation time, no health ins or dental ins. And I never agreed to be an elderly care worker. It just kind of evolved. I do love this family as if they were my own. Thanks!
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You might want to try keeping a log of your duties, especially related to the grandmother. It sounds like the son is DEEP in denial and has no clue whatsoever about what his mother needs. Maybe the next time he's home for a week you can take a few days "off," leaving him the list of all that needs to be done, so that he has to walk a mile in your shoes, so to speak. Maybe then he'd wake up to the real problems going on with his family. You might even use this list as a bargaining tool. Or give him information onfair market values for other care options for his family--show him how much he should be paying for this level of service he's getting from you. For example, "I contacted Agencies A, B,C, and D, and they quoted me an average price of $28 per hour for the type of services needed by your children and mother."
But in all honesty, ellelenn, I think all of this is simply too much for one person. If you need to walk away from the situation, you should not feel guilty. His family is his responsibility, not yours. It sounds like you are getting burnt out and it is affecting you in too many ways for any amount of money to make it worth your health and well-being.
I would be extremely careful about running them around in his car, too. You're not a taxi driver.
Don't worry about if nan burns the house down when you're not there---you have no responsibility for that if you're not there. Don't worry about what he told the doctor about live in caregivers for mom.
Either you've got to sit down with this guy & tell him how ridiculous this whole thing is or you could try the passive-aggressive approach, which is to cease doing everything except what you were hired to do at the beginning. (Why would you "give him a break" on the housework if the average hourly rate for a house cleaner where you live is $15/hour, and you're only being paid $10/hour?) Stop doing the laundry, stop helping the boys with their homework, stop going grocery shopping, stop cleaning up after the dog, stop running them to appointments, do not stay overnight without first agreeing that you will be paid your normal hourly rate for the entire night, (and if he tries to chew you down by saying that you'll be sleeping or something, tell him it doesn't matter----any time that you are spending in his home that you're not spending at yours is called "work") just stop doing whatever wasn't discussed between the two of you at the beginning. When he sees that there's no food, there's dog crap everywhere, there are no clean clothes, he'll say something to you pretty quickly & then you can address the issue with him.
You have to tell this man that he is in denial about how bad his mother is & that his son's Asberger's makes things extremely difficult for you.
You're doing everything so that he doesn't have to do anything when he's home for the week. Let him take care of running mom & the sons to doctor's appointments, washing clothes, cleaning up after the dog, grocery shopping, etc. There is absolutely no reason why you should be doing that. In fact, you should give him a list of the things you need for the week from the grocery store & tell him to do it. This guy is either the cheapest SOB alive, or he is in denial about how difficult doing that much work is for you. With all of your health issues, I think this has a lot more to do with not being paid enough for all that you're doing. If you were being paid a fair wage, like $25/hour, it would be okay. But, you're essentially working for practically nothing.
2. Put in contract reimbursement for parking fees, gas used, and mileage for tires, oil etc, since you are using own car.
3. Put in contract time off periods, duty times, etc, and perhaps negotiate living no space as part of salary. 20 per hr + rental property, + car mileage and gas reimbursement and parking fees, etc.
One further thing. Check the laws of state you live and n. You may be held liable for some things if you leave kidsalone with her and know that she and kids are now endangered. You are a paid caregiver and that carries liabilities in some states.
Get that contract looked at by paralegal or attorney. You are in precarious position as not relative, paid to look after boys, and there are labor laws in this country.
Next, if anything bad happens when you leave, you are in a lot of trouble. You have prior knowledge of his claim to authorities that you are live-in paid caregiver for BOTH kids and mother. You know this is not true.
You have proof he has paid you, but you have no proof of what your real duties are. This man can claim, if anything bad happens, that you left your client or patient uncared for when you were supposed to be on duty and present. You will be the one answering to the authorities, and he will shrug his shoulders and say he thought he had left them in care of responsible person.
You also do not have written permission to use his car for errands, do you? So, but if accident happens, he can claim that you took the car without his permission, and again, you could be in trouble.
This man has taken a very secure position and you have placed yourself in a very vulnerable status. You say you are with VA. Is your contract for this man with them, or are you getting benefits from them?
When I was taking care of my mom, my mom tried to hire out my services to other needy elderly for a brief time. Fortunately, someone advised me to seek council. I was glad I did. You can get paid as an elderly caregiver, BUT the job comes with liabilities
You have NO proof of what you were actually hired to do. And I doubt you could actually lie under oath and claim no knowledge of his mothers eval contents and his statements. And thusly, you imply he is telling the truth, or you admit you know he falsified reports.
Dangerous ground for you to be walking on. You are driving them around in his car, and you are leaving them alone at night, and he can claim he didn't know you were doing either.
And if you take them home with you or put them in your car and get paid then that is even more liability. Please be careful.
My own experiences (a lot) and others on this site can tell you that relatives will turn on relatives, and, people you thought were nice will turn mean and nasty if they think they will be held liable or they can pass it onto others (you?). Please be careful.
You can easily find work as a caregiver, and you can do it while collecting disability and as a veteran, you can actually get training assistance to get certificates for working in this field.