Hello all. We have run into a new situation with in-law. She has late stage Alzheimer’s, lots of other health issues. We’ve struggled to provide her care, to say the least. She’s become combative, mean, aggressive. We’re about at our wits end with this, as we’ve been “helping” her for years and this new diagnosis has about crushed our family.
Howeber, MIL has started to become resistant to care. She won’t eat what we make her (despite liking it before), we will ask her to get in the shower and she’ll sit down and start doing anything but get in the shower, we’ll ask her or try to get her to change and she’ll start complaining about that. Very resistant now and I can’t tell if it’s a phase that will pass, or just a new thing. I’m more keen on placement at a facility as it’s not my mom and we have children to raise. Until we can place her, how do we manage this? Her refusing care is starting to become a problem for her as far as cleanliness and overall health (and making our days even crazier and more insane).
You are correct that placement is the answer. Folks there are more trained and more able to simply march people through those activities of daily living, such as shower time, matter of factly. And they take guidance from caregivers much more easily than from families often enough.
Do get started on placement. This will not get better and will almost certainly get a good deal worse. I am so sorry. But you didn't cause this and likely cannot fix it. You aren't alone, little help that this knowledge may be.
coming and we’re constantly
adjusting. It’s beyond grueling and this doesn’t even touch her other co existing health issues.
Does she drink the Boost or Ensure shakes? Pretty much all of the clients I've ever cared for who had late-stage Alzheimer's as you put it or advanced dementia would still drink those shakes.
I am sorry to tell you but she will have to be forced into the shower or to be washed up. The time for asking her to get changed or if you can help her in the shower is long past too.
If you have to be a little mean and intimidating to get her cleaned up then that is what you have to do. Believe me, a person recovers a lot easier from a little meaness then they do from a UTI, skin breakdown, or incontinence sores which all will happen if she is not kept clean.
It's good that you have some honecare aides. She does better with the homecare aides because they aren't as familar to her as you are and she doesn't know what their reaction to her refusing and complaining will be.
When she starts up with the complaining when you're with her, tell her that's enough and no one wants to hear her complaining. Don't yell and don't get angry at her. Think of her now as an adult-sized three year-old because this is pretty much what she is now.
We do not allow children to go without eating or washing. Handle your MIL pretty much the same way.
It's going to be hard for you in the meantime before you get her placed.
When it's time for a shower or a wash-up, it's time for a shower or a wash up. This means there will be no tv, no food, no drinks, no conversation, and no attention until that gets done.
You can be more flexible on the eating as long as she's still drinking and will take a nutrition shake.
Expect a rough month with her wanting to go home but after she settles in it will get easier with time. Never perfect, but easier. Take your life back.
Refuses to change clothes.
Resists showering.
No to offered drinks & food.
My LO for aides:
Will change clothes.
Will negotiate shower days.
Will try drinks & different food.
I try the same approaches.
- Offer choices where I can (red shirt or blue shirt? But it must be a CLEAN shirt).
- Respectful language
- Use logic (zero success 😩)
I don't know... Once a Mother & in charge just won't be told what to do by the youngsters??
But can still 'save face' for a 'Professional'?
If able you can employ Aides to do the showering/dressing. This may extend home care a little longer. But otherwise, time for placement.
Good luck .