The 9th Circle of Hell continues...What distractions do you use when your loved one is uncontrollably angry?

It's so hard to have patience when your LO is in another world. I can't answer your question because I don't remember my wife being that angry. I was angry but I don't recall her being angry.

I will say this though, "Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is the letting go." It's time to let go. When your anger boils over, that's a sign your caregiving days at home are over. It's good you're looking into MC. We are always torn about making the decision to place our LO. You say "about 30 minutes a day she's a decent human being", That leaves 23 1/2 hours she's difficult and it's difficult for you. Hmmm! Seems out of balance doesn't it?

Go ahead and follow up with a care facility. She won't be happy but she'll be safe, and well cared for by people who understand.

Thank you for appreciating the advice and suggestions you get from this forum. I wish I was part of it when I really needed it.

EO,

First of all, sending a bazillion hugs your way!

My caregiving days are behind me. So, I am not going through it anymore but I will never forget how my life changed after mom moved into our home.

You are entitled to feel exactly as you do. Your feelings are completely normal.

You’re smart to understand that dementia has rocked your mom’s world. In my case, Parkinson’s disease rocked my mom’s world. It is heartbreaking to see a parent decline.

You aren’t delusional because you recognize that your mom has had flaws all of her life, unfortunately the dementia has made it worse for her and you.

My mom has always been a perfectionist and they don’t like anything done in a way that they would not do it.

This situation drives them crazy. Their irrational thinking drives us crazy, therein lies the problem! A cycle of an unhealthy relationship begins.

Escape? Only escape I can see is exactly what you have done, plan to separate from her as soon as possible.

Short term escapes? Geeeeez, I don’t know. I suppose as soon as the sitter from Council on Aging would come for four hours, I was out of the door on my way to grab a coffee, browse in a bookstore or what I really liked was getting outdoors.

I felt free being outside. Spending so much time inside made me feel like I was trapped in prison.

So heading to a park or anywhere outside was so refreshing, even walking on a busy sidewalk and seeing faces other than my mom’s face was a nice break.

We need to relax and unwind. We need stimulation too. I don’t know about you but I felt like my life was so stagnant like a still body of water. I desperately wanted to feel my life in motion again.

Caregiving is very isolating! I hope that you will find the peace you so deserve now and after your mom is placed.

I read some of your post to my husband and we laughed a bit; you DID say some funny things.... I also told him that if my mom were only decent 30 minutes a day, her head WOULD spin - from how fast she found herself in MC!

ExhaustedOne, you can walk away, hang up or leave if she turns nasty.

Even people with dementia figure out that certain behaviors get certain results, we teach people how to treat us. Unfortunately your mom has gotten away with this type of behavior for her entire life, she will not see it easily, so you have to remove yourself and encourage others to do the same thing.

Anger is so difficult to deal with, learning not to engage is an art, as is walking away, hanging up or leaving. You can do this!

Leaving the house when your mother has a tantrum is a good option. Or at least go outside. Or at the very least, LEAVE THE ROOM.

SQUIRREL !!!!

It works every time :)

Goodluck and Good night until I read the full text.. .Just read the last line :)

DEMENTIA, ALZ, AND fits or outfits...OH MY...
It's not fun, it's not easy, and it is very very sad...
I have my DNR AND POLST IN PLACE... But does that really do anything for our loved ones if our bodies are still strong, but our minds are not here?
I went through both tramas: cancer and ALZ and early onset ALZ.
I LIKE QUEEN's SONG: SHEAR HEART ATTACK . Especially the title.

With This GN

I guess that if I were a professional caregiver, I would have the training and techniques down to distract her, expertly distract the angry person.

There must be a plan somewhere to reach an uncontrollable angry person.

I would try to make a big deal about serving ice cream, or making a fancy banana split (every night if necessary). Not asking if she wants some, just ignoring her, while you prepare it in front of her. Then wheelchair her up to the table, sit down and start eating. If she stops ranting long enough, maybe she will ask for some.

Yes, I know this sounds simple, maybe stupid to some. We could all comment on which drugs she could have at night to calm her, or other things that might work. But I am up late, and this is all I could come up with. At least if there is ice cream, you will feel better, I hope.

I enjoyed your post Exhausted One. Let us know if anyone's head starts spinning. I would be scared! 🤗

It doesn’t sound horrible (at all) to want to scream at the seemingly endless behaviors that result from the progress into dementia, but it can sometimes help (a little) to know that there is nothing that you can say or whisper or scream that is going to change what she’s doing.

If someone here gave you the impression that you must not “upset” the person with dementia, I’d have to disagree with that, and here’s why-“dementia” means no filters on behavior. If you accept that as a fact of her life, you need to acknowledge and accept the fact that you have no reasonably predictable way of knowing what’s going to set her off, because SHE doesn’t know either.

If by chance you DO see something that seems to trigger her over and over, then it’s reasonable to try to limit that from happening, with the expectation that you may succeed some of the time, but not always. The actually applies to her more appropriate behavior too. If she’s doing something positive and acceptable, enjoy it and give it a positive reaction. Just don’t assume that “good” behavior means “cure”.

Medication might help. What she’s doing maybe an aspect of sundowning, especially since you see it most late in the day and I to the night. Some carefully planned medications administered by someone who understands geriatric issues, can help moderate some night problems.

Placement in residential care, especially if you find a place near enough to you to frequently drop in for a few minutes, is not incarnation. It can be a safe peaceful lifestyle. Guilt aimed at yourself is useless and self damaging, and you just don’t need that.

You’re probably doing better than you think you are. You are doing what you can, and if it isn’t working it’s because her cognitive life is no longer connected to reality, and that is not you fault.

I didn't have this problem, thank god. My Mom had a couple of paranoid times while living with me, and thats when I called my daughter. Calmed her down right away. I took it personally even though I knew it wasn't her. She was pretty easy on the whole. It was me who couldn't handle it. Her decline, her frailty. The role change.

So sorry you have to put up with this. She would have been gone from my home long ago. It would have been too much for me. I like my peace and quiet.

Is Mom on any medication? Because MC may not keep her if she disrupts the other residents.

If you have a chance to have her do a psych eval, that might be very helpful--or maybe she's just mean. Putting a label on her behavior may help you feel better, or it may not make a bit of difference.

We never want to simply label someone--b/c there are a million and one things that make us be the way we are.

However--your mom sounds so much like my MIL. Never, in my life with her, have I seen her be truly KIND. Mostly she was a simmering cauldron of anger. As time has passed, she no longer seems to have the slightest ability to control her thoughts/words. Whatever she thinks just comes raging out.

She lives in her own home. I don't know, really, what kind of 'help' she gets other than a weekly maid service. SIL retired early and goes daily to help her.

The LAST time I saw her--about 6 months ago, she couldn't stop screaming at me. Dh was trying to reconnect her Wi-F- and he was struggling to get her to STOP yelling long enough to get some answers. They are both deaf, so talking super loud is the norm. But this was screaming, I mean, had the neighbors called on us, I wouldn't have been surprised.

After 45 years of this increasing behavior, I gave up and walked out. I am planning to never see or speak to her again. That's how I have to handle this. Just walk away. And I don't look back.

Ah Exhausted One I feel your pain. As for redirecting someone with dementia, who is raging, it is not that easy and it too is exhausting. Also it only lasts a very short time before the behaviors kick back in. Mom did not live with me but when I visited I found a few things that helped, albeit for a short time. A couple times I got her to sing with me. As Send suggested, my Mom welcomed treats. Sometimes I would try to engage her in simple talk about her sisters or her Mom (all deceased) but that was early on. When nothing worked I just sat quietly and let her go on. Maybe others will offer more suggestions.

Unfortunately my Mom too tried to get up if no one was right with her, she ended up trying to get out of bed at the facility a while ago and fell, fracturing her femur. Her decline has been swift since then.

My Mom is moving past the rage stage, she is further along in the disease and unresponsive much of the time. My Mom was also an angry person her whole life.

Take care of you please.

Exhausted- if I were you, I would scream right back at that horrible woman. The reasons:

--it helps release the toxic anger you're bottling up inside. This anger if not released will destroy your health mentally and physically.

--that horrible woman deserves it meaning she should be screamed at, like a child that needs to be taught. She will learn, at least temporarily, that her behavior is not tolerated and she might stop. Wouldn't that be nice?

If you don't want to scream at her to make her stop, then I would suggest as soon as she starts her tantrum, you immediately leave her/ walk away even if you're in the middle of helping her with whatever. She may learn that her tantrum results in being abandoned. Tell her you will come back when she stops screaming. Do not stay to absorb all the toxics she's releasing.

I also share your anger Can’t believe there is another person out there as difficult as my mother. I do suppress the urge to scream and sometimes go in another room and do a silent scream or go outside and scream - I live in a rural area. I try to distract with favorite snacks, questions about subjects she is interested in or relatives, word search books, things going on outside window, magazines, I text family members to call her on phone, take her for a ride in car ..............

So, I'm not sure I get why someone accepts verbal and sometimes physical abuse from an elder. You posted a few days ago "who says that elders need to be catered to" or something like that. In my experience, only folks who have no experience in this realm say "be understanding".

If someone is verbally or physically abusive to you, walk away. Stop "doing" for them. If they are in your home and you cannot get them on the right meds to control their behavior, start eviction procedings. If you are in their home, leave, call APS and report them as vulnerable and go to a shelter.

Folks say "oh but I couldn't....". Yes. Yes you can.

Either walk away when the abuse starts and tell yourself that it's the disease, or if you can't do that, take the steps above. But don't stick around for the abuse to damage you.

So, I read this the other day & felt the need to save it.........for use on this forum, in particular, where many of us suffer with narcissistic mothers who also have dementia. Which has GOT to be THE most toxic combination EVER. Ugh. Anyway, here it is:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just a reminder that calls to ‘be kind’ to someone who has abused you is a gaslighting tactic. It furthers the idea that the abuser is deserving of considerations that his or her victims are not.
~Meg Pillow’s Doppelfanger on Instagram

Read that statement over a few times and let it sink in. And then refer to it when you feel 'guilty' that you're placing your mother where she BELONGS, in a Memory Care ALF.

My mother is also a passive aggressive (covert) narcissist who lives in a Memory Care ALF, thank God. She's doing fine over there and has an entire staff of people to wait on her hand and foot. There's even a nurse named Nina who's onto her.........knows how to deal with her manipulations beautifully, which is a Godsend to me. Nina and I talk on the phone and that's how I'm able to stay current of my mother's latest shenanigans. And that's what are: Lies, Manipulations and Shenanigans.

I call her on the phone 6 evenings a week (she thinks I work full time, and I keep that idea intact for obvious reasons). My DH calls her the other evening when I have 'a headache'. She's always nice to him b/c he's The Outsider and Her Mask is In Place. With me, she's a witch. We window visit with her every Sunday at 1 pm for 25 minutes which is PLENTY. Covid has been somewhat of a life saver in the visiting routine, to be perfectly honest. I get a stomach ache every evening before calling her b/c I don't know HOW foul her mood is going to be and how nasty she'll be treating me. Whether I'll need to let her know I'm hanging up now Mom & will speak to you another time when you're in a better mood, or whether I'll have to be listening to how She Wants To Die and You're Not Praying HARD Enought for me TO Die. So even that I'm doing wrong.

You get the drift.

She's also in a wheelchair, chronically in pain, chronically negative and angry, but she's someone ELSE'S problem for 23.5 hours each day, not MINE. What I give is plenty, and includes all her finances, doctors, specialists, hospitals, rehabs, etc etc. As an only child, I bear the brunt of ALL of her angst. And I don't deserve it, either.

So. Successful distractions? Hanging up the phone when the angst is too great. Changing the subject over and over again. Having DH call instead of me b/c, like I said, she won't put on the Ugly Face for an outsider. Gossip and bad mouthing others is another thing that keeps my mother happy, IF I was willing to engage in that kind of negativity, which I'm normally not. She loves nothing better than trash talking others........that will keep her amused and distracted for hours on end, truth be told.

The best thing you can do is to move forward with the Memory Care placement. No human being should be subjected to 23.5 hrs each day of uncontrolled anger from her mother, for ANY reason. Nobody has that right, even a person with dementia. YOUR life is just as important as HER life, since you're both human beings and children of God. Your mother is not 'deserving of considerations that you (as her victim) are NOT.'

Keep all that in mind as you move forward with your plans. You are doing the right thing. Good luck and Godspeed, my friend. Cheering you on from the sidelines!

First, she needs medicine to calm down. If she gets that agitated, leave her in bed. If she gets extremely agitated when in the wheelchair, walk away & come back later.
Don’t try to reason with her...that is impossible. She won’t remember her screaming session 10 minutes later...HUGS!!!! 🤗

I feel you. I have had to deal with someone in my life who doesn't rage so much as pout and whinge and whine and think the world owes them something, (well everything really) They do have mini sh*t fits (my name for it) where they overreact to the smallest things.

I used to walk on eggshells around them. Trying to not do or say anything that might possibly make their mood worse or create that mood in them. I used to absolutely stew inside, the feelings this created in me almost like a volcano that needed to erupt but was tamped down and tamped down until it imploded inwards instead of outwards.

Then one day, I think it might have been while I was in the midst of watching my mom's health slowly day by day deteriorate, and then watch her eventually lose her battle and die, that I decided screw this! I'm done dealing with this selfish pri*k. Here I am devastated cause I am losing the person closest to me and still putting up with this sh*t. Why should I? Why did I ever for that matter?

I think when you finally realize that there are so many more important things in the world and that life is too short to tolerate abuse. And yes, this is abuse. Don't kid yourself. Walking on eggshells so as not to rock the boat when that boat basically rocks by itself anyways, is no way to live. I don't do it anymore. I withdraw, leave the room, ignore them. But I don't feed into it anymore. I don't acknowledge it and therefore don't give it room to breathe.

My advice for what it's worth. Don't put up with it. Let them have their tantrum all alone. If no one is there to watch I'm sure it won't be as much fun for them cause they are getting some satisfaction from disrupting your life or they would not keep doing it.

Please get her primary care doctor to prescribe anti-anxiety medication. Usually the angry outbursts are a result of mounting fear and anxiety. They just want everything to make sense and to be under their control, like it used to be. It isn't and it never will be again. Control freaks, and your momma seems to be one, have it harder. Try to keep her on a routine. Make sure she goes to bed at a decent hour and stays asleep. She might need sleeping medications if she tends to get up. When she is wound up, it's a temper tantrum. Keep calm but don't reward it either.

As for yourself, you need to have a broader support network. You need some time to get away from caregiving and regain your own life - because you matter too! If you can't get enough sleep or time away to do something fun for yourself, it may be time for a memory care unit.

dear exhausted:

I read your post just as my LO was calling me telling me very angrily to come and get him out because “he’s in prison “. He’s in one of the best MC facilities. His PCP comes at least once a month to check him and other patients in his care. I was just told me he has t seen doctor in 3 years! Up until recently these accusatory statement would Put me in a dark place but because of help I’m getting and just today reading your post, I have zero quilt and am thankful that I’m able to keep him in this fine facility where every need is being met with a team of professionals and he’s safe. I tried to care for my LO at home with home care helpers . None of the helpers he felt were good enough so I was it. To Attempt to take care of an abusive dementia soul is beyond impossible. If at all within your means find a memory care facility. You both will be better off.

Take care of yourself....stay well.

Ok-my dad makes up false memories which involve those around them and can be uncomfortable or upsetting for him. ICE CREAM CONES. The Drumstick kind. We used to ask if he wanted or, or unwrapped and presented it, and he would get a big smile on his face. If she is still living with you, try it.
if it doesn’t work, at least you can eat it and keel better for a minute!

and when the yelling and complaining quiets down, and your LO, stops talking, you may miss some of those episodes. Hopefully, your souls will focus on the days of some laughter and happiness..
She stopped talking when I asked her my name. She said her sister's name. I said,
No, that is not my name... :( That is is your sister's name. They were very close, I understand.. I was trying to make a point... Wish I didn't. She actually stopped talking after that..

And I still argue with my loved ones......... Yes, I am a slow learner... Hopefully, I will get it right one of these days before I lose all my loved ones....
My friend told me, I do not have to accept every "invitation " meaning arguments etc. . I am not good at that... I try to stay away from some invitations.
GN everyone... Love the people around you. Nobody is perfect. And if you are actually writing and complaining about them. usually means they are an important part of your life, being, etc. In some small way, you love them or they mean something special to you - and it is okay - in anyway, they are in your mind, soul, heart. learn, heal, listen, and teach from this experience. forgive. they may not even know how they are affecting you.

In a way, you are over thinking this. It does not matter how she was in the past. It does inform her current status but if she was the most wonderful mother ever or a bad mother. Dementia has turned her into a nasty, raving witch who is holding the family hostage. I have a pretty nasty mother but she is in a facility.
so u do understand. My mother in law was sweet but she got pretty nasty as her dementia progressed.

Your mother will be hateful and miserable wherever she is. So why should everyone else be miserable too. I would place her and substitute your visions of her alone in her room in memory care with visions of you have a peaceful cup of coffee while curled up reading a book knowing she is taken care of. Hopefully she has money to pay for a facility.

A good rule of advice is don't feed the anger. If you can, step away from it. Yes, it hurts to see a loved one even a person who when they were sane was not really nice get even worse.

However, from what another poster wrote I agree that this may stem from anxiety and fear over losing control. Once you recognize the root of the problem, then the solution is to do what you can to alleviate that fear. Either with an anti-anxiety medication or a sedative of some sort. Routine and familiarity is also very important, as it will give their mind a sense of control.

Meanwhile, you need to address your own issues. I hope you are getting some counseling, and take some time to do something for yourself.

sorry you are going thru this.  However I think (my personal opinion) that whatever type person they are "before" dementia, that only comes out 10X worse when they get it.  Its like "ingrained" into their brain and then the "bear" comes out. or the wolverine however you think the beast is.  Why hasn't the doctor prescribed some type of medicine to calm her down.  This isn't fair to her either.  It doesn't have to be anything to knock her out, but just to keep her calm.  Have you tried having some kind of lavender around (where she can't reach) that might help, or some chamomile tea that she can drink or chamomile powder (not sure if they have) that can be mixed in with applesauce or pudding.  I am sure she is afraid too because part of her mind is thinking why can't I do this or that, but then the other part takes over and throws out the rage towards everyone.  But seriously, get in contact with her doctor to get something to calm her because she might try to do something when someone is not looking and she could get hurt.  I sure wish you some luck and peace as you go thru this.

If it is safe..walk away. Use headphones or use earbuds and play music.
Have you talked to her doctor about medication that may help control the anger and anxiety? (If it does not work for her you can take it...KIDDING!!!)
It does sound like Memory Care would be the best option for you (and her)

And I have to tell you that your reaction is not yours alone. If there is a caregiver that tells you that they have not gotten angry, lost their temper they are flat out lying. You can not do what "we" do (or have done) day in and day out and not get angry or loose your temper. the best you can do is realize what the triggers are for you and try not to fall into the trap. As I have said before ya know how fish don't get caught? They don't take the bait. So try not to take the bait. Easy to say hard to follow through.

Wheelchair or not if the anger becomes dangerous to you or anyone else caring for her your safest option might be to call 911 and explain the situation and that she may be a danger to herself or to you. This is why medication might be a good option.
If she is trying to get out of the wheelchair can you tilt it back to make it more difficult for her to try to get out of it? It would be safer for her. In your home you could place a tray that attaches to the chair that will prevent her from getting out. In a facility that would not be allowed as it would be considered a "restraint". There are also alarms that can attach to the chair and to her clothing so if she tries to get up the alarm will be set off.
Another thought..would she wear headphones and you could play music that might distract her.
Giving her a project to do. Puzzles, blocks, magazines if you have a paper shredder giving her stacks of paper to shred. Anything that might be a distraction.

Hang in there.

I have a very similar story. In February 2018, I took my mother to the emergency room and had her admitted to a geriatric psych unit for a few days to get stabilized. I had tremendous guilt, but something had to be done and she would not accept medical intervention that I tried to get her for years. She went from the hospital directly to memory care assisted living. While there, she had several falls due to dementia and broke her hip a year ago which left her wheelchair bound. She kept trying to get up out of the chair. The wonderful hospice nurse suggested an alarm (a little pad that beeps LOUDLY) when she tries to stand. Her medication has been adjusted a few times, and when aggravated, there’s a nice anti-anxiety cream that is used for immediate calm. I feel your pain and you need respite care and, if she can afford it, memory care and maybe even hospice. Go gently, my dear...I am still working on the guilt.

The best response is to just walk away then completely ignore her if it's safe for you to do that. If not then you will have to take another approach. Now, I've been in elder homecare for a very long time and know that no matter how angry or raging someone is they still have to be toileted or have their diaper changed. They still have to be washed up. I know how hard it is and that you've tried every kind of distraction. Sometimes there needs to be a little intimidation. Sometimes you have to look them straight in the face and yell STOP! or ENOUGH! I mean a drill sergeant yell. As loud as you can. Believe me, this will work when you need it to. I'm sure this advice will get some negative feedback about this being wrong and abusive. It's not. What would be really wrong and abusive is if she fell and got hurt on her way to the toilet because she's raging over someone helping her. Or if she gets skin breakdown and sores because you have no choice but to leave her sitting in her own dirty diapers for long periods of time because her tantrums and abuse make it impossible to clean her up. Use a little verbal intimidation because the work has to get done for her own good.

I feel like I may have answered before. But anyway this post could be my story! My mother is in an AL. I would not let her stay with me because of past abuse. I have to be honest that there are no distractions I have found that help. My mother is angry all the time and makes up stories to try and get her way. I have simply maintained very limited contact with her for my own sanity! She was abusive way back when and hasn’t changed. The staff at her AL has no emotional connection to a past so they are able to manage her behavior. They can contact me with concerns. They are trained to deal with her dementia. I coordinate her care with her visiting doctor and director of nursing. The best I can do is keep her safe and manage her affairs. And stay out of the way of her anger! I must say that 30 minutes a day of pleasant behavior would not be enough for me to keep her at home! I like you was hoping that my mother’s dementia would make her a silly happy person - but yes that was also delusional!

I find playing Music is good therapy. Keep some background music playing all day if it soothes her.

If she starts screaming, leave the room and return when she stops..

You really don't need to keep saying to her that she's got dementia as she probably doesn't even know what you're talking about.

If she thinks she can get up, let her try and she'll see that she can't instead of hearing you say she can't.

In the meantime time, don't leave a walker by her so she won't try to use it and fall when no one is around.

My 96 yr old Dad had Dementia and all he can do is stand up with help to a walker from his recliner,, then take about 4 little steps just enough to turn to sit in his wheelchair. He has chosen to sleep in his recliner so he is basically there 24 7 except for meals and to go to the toilet.

You might take a Video of your mom acting out and the 30 minutes a day when she's ok, show it to her so she can see and believe her actions.

You can also set up a camera to watch her so when nothing else works, walk out of the room.

See if you can get her interested in something on tv maybe old movies, cooking show, dancing show, ect.

Bup some of her favorite foods and when she's getting out of control offer her ice cream.

Remember it takes a whole lot of PATIENCE

My Dad has very short term memory. I can say something and he won't remember 5 minutes later but don't remind your mom you already said something, just calm say it again and again and again.

Juse put yourself in their shoes, it has to be so scary and frustrating not to know what to do.

My Dad is always saying what do I do now and he'll even answer himself and say I don't know.

My Dad seems to like to snack alot so maybe your mom is hungry and she doesn't know how to tell you.

I have on hand lots of easy snacks like yougurt,
breakfast bars applesauce, ect and lots of milk.
Prayers