The 9th Circle of Hell continues...What distractions do you use when your loved one is uncontrollably angry?

Have you asked the doctor about medication. There are meds like zoloft and geodon that may help. My husband is on 4 antipsychotic meds. The meds are for people with behavior as if they had bipolar. Wonderful meds. They could also give meds to help her sleep more.
Before meds I got a wireless ear plugs. I would listen to music, books, or even music while he was screaming. I would just turn up the volume and nod.
You could also have someone come for 48 or 72 hours, for respite care and not go to the house. Then at the end of the time see how YOU feel. Because now it needs to be about you. Dementia is a terminal illness for her. Dont make it one for you. Also when you return to the situation see if she even knows you have not been there. Walk in and say, is there anything you need, and act like you have been there.
Then I think you will have the info you need to make an informed decision. Also think if you drop dead from a heart attack because of the stress who will take care of your mom.? Stress can kill. If your mom was a great or poor mom the real question is if you want to allow this horrible disease to take 2 victims. You need to be a survivor to help the ones on this newsletter.

Simple but effective I listen to praise and worship music on the way to my mom's. Then I pray before getting out of my car. I pray for peace and love. My mom sounds a lot like yours and visits can be an ordeal, not ones I look forward to. I try to ignore outbursts, keep busy doing chores and leave as quickly as I can. Mom has part time sitters that help a lot. I try to care for her from a distance as much as I can. Its very difficult and she has always been somewhat self absorbed and selfish. Mom claims she too is fine and does not have a dementia diagnosis, cery very argumentative, exhausting. Mom is on anxiety meds that seem to help some. Ask the doctor about something to calm her a bit and help her sleep. Its helps me tremendously to hear how others feel in this community.

This may sound terrible but my mother has LBD, they say she can’t remember don’t do anything to upset her! Well they don’t live with her, she has lived under my roof 30 years! Just the past 6 years has been bad. She can’t walk or stand but she thought she could, finally I told her if you fall your staying there I’m not picking you up again and again. Well she did it again so on the floor she stayed for a good while.
And I believe she remembered that because now she does not try to get up.

Oh, ExhaustedOne, I busted out laughing when I read your internal outburst! It’s EXACTLY what I want to scream at my poor DH and I don’t even have to put up with anger issues. Worst I have to deal with is his never-ending false memories, which mostly involve his first wife being here and coming for his money and possessions. She’s a lovely woman who generously made a place for me with her kids and grandkids and it frustrates me and hurts my heart to hear him go on about her nefarious ways. But he’s mentally living 35-40 yrs ago, so he’s worried about what he can lose due to the divorce. And he figures he must be divorced since he’s married to me, although he thinks we just met but has no idea where we met or a damn thing about our 30+ yrs together. At least that’s how it goes when he knows he’s married to me and that I’m not just someone who takes care of him. He usually introduces me as his “favorite wife.” And introductions happen frequently because he doesn’t remember many people. But his manners are intact. LOL. It doesn’t even seem odd to him that he’s sharing a bed and kissing his “caretaker” good morning and good night. If he had the anger issues you describe, he’d be in AL/MC. It’s going to come to that anyway because I’M developing anger issues!

ExhaustedOne, YOU'RE EXHAUSTED!!! YOU'RE BURNED OUT!!! Been there. Sometimes you can't distract these people. They don't fall for it. When they think you're treating them like a child, they get mad about that. They're still smarter than you might think. They get to the point nothing works! Your mother is there with you and you're to the breaking point. It's time for your mother to go to a facility. You're right--she'll never be that "fun person" you're hoping will emerge. Ain't gonna happen. Ignore her? She'll tear up your house while you ignore. Music? My husband hated music. If you wanted something thrown in your face, pull out a CD. TV? Radio? Too much stimulation. Read to him? Wouldn't listen. Visitors? Substitute caregiver? Nope. Get them out. Drugs? Made it worse. Go for a ride? They'll grab the steering wheel. Oh, and try to take over the driving. And if she doesn't know who you are? She'll come after you. You're an imposter in her sight. And it will accomplish nothing to jump in and tell her exactly what you think. She won't "get it", your blood pressure will go sky high, and you'll just have guilt later. PLEASE get her into a facility. Do it "FOR YOU!!!" And don't be surprised if she gets thrown out and you'll have to find another place. If your mother is bad enough, they won't be able to handle her either. Be prepared. Been there.
You have my prayers.

My husband of 54 years has Major FrontoTemporal Dementia Neourocognitive disorder and behavioral disturbance. He is abusive in too many ways at times. Anything can be a trigger. These help -
Diverting.
Sometimes I leave and ask ministers and counselors to call him.
Most times I’m able to gently hold both his ears ( so he gives ME all his attention) and kiss him and again tell him we are a team, and we love each other. Then divert !!!

After reading all of these posts, I have only one thought that I will follow up on right away for my own future care....this won't help the poor situation these writers are in, but will help their own families when they themselves are failing. See an attorney now and make out some kind of "plan for my care in case..." and make sure your family knows where it's located. We can make life so much easier for our family if we have such an order in place. Such as..."don't hesitate to place me in a facility that is capable of caring for me...whatever my condition is. I know you love me and would care for me to the bitter end. However, I want you to have a happy and free life, and I know you'd never admit that I was a burden. But I pray you won't become a martyr to my care and lose your own self in the process. Just find the best facility available and know you are fulfilling my end of life wishes, even though I may scream and curse at the time. I will always love you, even if I deteriorate into a condition where you can't think that I do.

I would suggest speaking with her doctor about a small dosage pill that would take the edge off of her anger. My husband of 51 years had dementia and was always a sweetheart but after his stroke and the onset of dementia he became OCD and was forever playing with whatever was within his reach. Trashcans provided lots of entertainment for him taking things out and putting them back in over and over again. However, trashcans are not clean and sanitary places for entertaining oneself. I tried moving them and providing manipulation toys and other rehab items but he still wanted the paperwork in the trash. (He was the President of a company and dealt with lots of paperwork daily) I mentioned this to his doctor who suggest the mild calming small once per day pill. It did wonders for him and he could rest calmly focus and watch and enjoy tv programs such as his much beloved football. Good luck.

My mom was going down that road at her AL and they wanted to give her halperidol--calling her doctor and asking for a prescription--without even asking me what I thought. After finding out from her doctor that halperidol is given in end-of-life situations and my mom wasn't a candidate, I looked into some alternatives. We settled on 20 mg/day of CBD oil capsule.

The calming effect, as well as helping her arthritis pain, is amazing. She's not out of it or stoned because there's no THC in it, just calmer. And able to communicate better, and I think happier overall. I'd research interactions with her current medications as it didn't mix well with the Seroquel they had my mom on at night. Fortunately, we were able to stop the Seroquel and she sleeps just fine.

Good luck!

I am sorry your mother is such a monster. Can the doctor medicate her to stop this behavior? If not, and I know people will disagree with me, I would explode and scream at her so loudly and strongly that she would shake in her boots - that she either stop the behavior at once or you will dump her wherever. What I am saying is this - I don't care why she is doing this - she has no right and it is negatively impacting everyone around her and this CANNOT BE TOLERATED. YOU have to become very tough and immediately put her in her place, no sweetie pie, this or that - you tell her off so she understands. And you immediately do whatever you can to remove her and place her somewhere before she destroys everyone who is not harming her. You cannot allow this - no matter who or what or why - ever. Think of YOURSELF first now.

I totally agree with isthisreallyreal. My aunt has severe dementia. Unfortunately they do not associate reasoning well any longer with dementia. There out burst are because they know something is wrong with them, but still fight for there independence.
I learned when my Aunt has her out burst, I let her get it out, yes, let her get it out of her system, and I do not respond to anything she says. If no one responds then she stops eventually. Like no one is listening. Her out burst use to last as long as your Mom's, now they last for 30mins at a time.
They do learn even with dementia all that screaming and yelling doesn't change anything. Now my Aunt get prescription from doctor to calm her and it worked. We have not had an out burst for 3 whole weeks now. Knock on wood...
Ask you Mom's Doctor if he can prescribe meds to calm her if possible. Stay strong, we all know the struggles as caregivers.

I had to smile at your comments. My grandmother was a stern, taciturn woman who raised 6 children during the depression and WW2 and had to live with a very difficult husband. After he died she started having TIA strokes that completely changed her personality. Where before I had visited her out of duty, after that it was a lot of fun. She was smart, and chatty, and loved to talk about my business travels and all the places I had been. I’m just sorry she had to wait until age 85 to have some joy in her life!

As to your questions, no, don’t feel guilty about finding your mother a place in Memory Care. Never forget that the staff there are not locked into a 24/7 prison with one person like you are. The staff work 8 hour shifts with breaks, they care for multiple people and so get a break from the difficult ones.

My mother is now in a Memory Care where the residents are not isolated in their rooms, there are multiple activities for them everyday, they are encouraged to be out of their rooms and interacting with residents and staff all of which helps with cognitive and dementia issues caused by isolation and lack of socialization, even if she chooses to just sit on the sidelines and watch at least she is there, no sitting by alone staring at a TV all day which is what she did at home.

It might be the best thing for your mother. Mom's oldest sister developed vascular dementia and one of the effects was for her to turn on their other sister who had been her best and closest friend. She had decided Auntie was the reason she was in a facility and was very hateful to her whenever she visited.

I hope you get some peace whatever decision you make.

I don’t mean to be Insensitive or crass, but here’s a thought: Why not conduct a psychological experiment: Go ahead and yell those out at your mother. See what happens. Maybe you’ll feel better, maybe it will stop her in her tracks. Maybe she’ll forget all about it the next day, maybe it won’t matter either way. You never know.

The week and a half after Richard was hospitalized the first time was awful. His whole demeanor had changed from being kind but sad to being angry and fearful. Every time I tried to move him in the bed, he would freak out, saying "Stop! What are you trying to do, throw me to the floor?" When I tried to bed bath him, he grabbed the washcloth and glared at me, hand poised as if he wanted to hit me. I lost it, and yelled at him "If you do not let me clean you, your B's are gonna fall off!" It was the hardest thing ever to call the ambulance and force him to go back to the hospital. Harder than watching my own husband die of cancer, harder than losing my grandma. He is in a good facility now, but I know he won't be there for much longer. He is on Hospice.

Exhausted One I know how you feel. My mother has the issues mentioned. She can be a “nice” person at times. She can also be absolutely horrible. Her mood swings go in segments. When she’s nice, it makes me feel bad for her because she seems so pathetic. She’s in a high level AL facility. Several people mention meds to level out these episodes. My mother takes meds but they can’t make her normal. The real issue is hating her when she’s horrible and feeling bad for her when she’s not.

I get away by myself, which may be easier for me since my mom doesn't require the level of care yours does. Yet, it's still a uphill constant battle for me. Not having my own home at 40yrs old. I see your looking into memory care. It really sounds like the best option for mom and you. Dementia only progresses as you know. No need to wait until the physical side becomes unbearable. Sounds like the emotional torment is already pushing you to the edge. I know how it is. I feel guilty because I wonder daily if this type of living hell will ever be over. Been doing it 11 years now. If she does ever get to point she can't walk she will definitely be placed. I'm not able to lift or transfer. Yes this forum is great to realize you aren't alone at all. Some have it so much worse. Reading, support groups, painting, thriving, new or old hobbies are great ways to hang onto sanity. I personally love music. Anything to take your mind off things a bit. Don't feel too guilty if you choose memory care. Your a caregiver and your role is to make the best health decision for mom. Sounds like your on the right path. Then you visit and pick up the daughter role. You will still oversee her care just not in the thick of it 24/7. Best of luck! Keep us posted! Dianne.

All of these answers are true and compassionate. I have nothing to add but a (HUG). There was a prayer I used to say with a line, “All things are passing.” And some day all this will be over.

Most successful ‘distraction’ is to leave (knowing she is ‘safe’)... distance yourself... This is the only thing that has momentarily worked for me... It’s a horrible thing to have to deal with... I know ... I am dealing with it also. And the covid environment makes things/decisions much more difficult.
God Bless you for sacrificing so
much of your life (That most won’t).
I get scared about the ‘guilt‘ attached to having to be the one to deal with this myself. What my mother has said to me has emptied my heart and soul and I also get scared for my health.

Imho, it's no doubt easy for her angry outbursts to manifest into your own angry thoughts. My cousin used a tactic when caring for both her late elderly parents that she said somehow helped her get through her days and although it seemed bizarre to me, she said that she would go into her auto by herself and scream, cry, whatever got her though the day/night. Although I never employed this "tactic," I was certainly tempted and my auto was in my late mother's driveway. Prayers sent.

My mom displayed many of the behaviors you mentioned, however, I dare say, not to the same extent. She was an outspoken, sometimes difficult woman before ALZ took over, so we had some of both. She became very aggressive at bath time and whenever she felt her freedoms were being "managed". Keeping her safe was a real issue.
She loved her aquarium. it was the most relaxing and pacifying thing and my daughter came up with it. She would sit for hours and watch her fish. We got a big aquarium with big fish. Sometimes she just watched, and often she would have long conversations with the fish. She was also comforted with stuffed animal babies. Folding clothes was another calming activity for her. What did your mom love before ALZ? Animals? Knitting? Puzzles? (They actually make puzzles for dementia patients. Large pieces that fit together easily). Mom liked it when she got phone calls, so we would go in the other room and call. She made no sense, but we tried to make it as enjoyable as we could for her. She liked it when we brushed her hair,

We know what you're going through. As the dementia progresses, their care becomes easier. At least that was my experience. The fight goes out of them as they become less aware. If you can endure it, you'll know in the end that you did your best. Don't let it ruin your family though. Your children and mate need you and are fully aware of what you're going through. There are many considerations when weighing home care vs. a facility. Best wishes friend.

I think for me it required some emotional distancing. I just needed to be the kindest caregiver...not daughter...at times.

As a teacher, I always had the philosophy that a child deserved a fresh start each day, and sometimes each hour. They needed to know that even if they had a bad morning, they could always turn it around and I would always support that (not just assume they were still grumpy/angry). I tried to use that approach to mom too. If she yelled at me when I took her to the restroom...we could start fresh at lunch...I was the one approaching things in a happy, positive attitude, hoping it would influence her attitude. Sometimes it did, others it didn't, but I approached each activity fresh.

I also used to say that my little 2 year old grandson taught me how to deal with mom. He would come in, step up on her foot rests on the wheelchair and say, "hi gamma marvin" with a big smile. Sometimes she would respond with, "get out of here" not nicely". He would smile, hop down and say, "okay" as he happily bounced off to play. Then he would come back in about 15 minutes and do it all over. Usually she would respond in a happier way the second time.

I also found bribery worked, "hey mom let's take care of going to the restroom and then we can have some pudding!"

One time when mom was still at least a bit with-it, she had been complaining about me, I sat down by her. I told her I loved her very much and I always wanted to care for her, but if I was doing such a poor job at it, I would help her to find a facility that could care for her. She said no. I knew she wouldn't remember it in a while, but at least I could reflect on it and knew she did want me.

If it is too much for you, there is nothing wrong with putting her in a memory care place. That is also a way of caring for your mom. It will let you hold a different role in her life.

I had some success just asking questions instead of trying to persuade my dad to do anything when he was in that mood. He'd get abusive and mean and accuse me of pushing him to stuff (like sit down even), so I'd just say "well what do you want to do then?" Then I'd kind of make it a 20-questions sort of thing. He'd say "I want some control over my own damn life!" And I'd say "What does control look like for you? Can you give me an example?" Basically just get him venting and talking until he moved on to something else.

Looking forward to reading some other responses. Good luck.

This community has been a godsend. And the series of post, questions, answers and feedback truly has helped me. Just as I'm sure it's helped you and countless of others. Here we are allowed to vent and express our most inner emotions, thoughts and feelings without judgements. Or being perceived as cruel, unkind or heartless. But to answer your question as to what distractions can be used or applied when dealing with a loved one who is uncontrollably angry? Well my friend there are several techniques you can use and/ or apply. Now some are more effective than others. But I've found that in order to find the right distraction. One must first examine the day. When my mother is in a state of sheer and uncontrollable anger. Which is often and can last anywhere from hours to several days at a time. I first believe it or not like to give thanks and supplication. I pray and I thank God for the day I've been given. Then I try to keep myself busy. In terms of tackling a small task. Such as washing the kitchen/bedroom curtains. Or cleaning out a closet. Now notice I said a small task. Given I know that it requires a great deal of strength and energy to care for someone who constantly needs your undivided attention. And yes it is draining and just being in that person presence at times can be exhausting. But accomplishing a small task can give you a personal sense of victory. Also I've found that music is not only a great distraction. But can be a great motivator and healer. I highly suggest playing some of your mom's favorite songs when she becomes angry. If you haven't tried this method before. I promise you it works. Now it doesn't lasts all day. But it is a distraction nonetheless. And your mother will calm (even if only slightly). Also old movies work like a charm. Your mother may ramble a bit. And go of course. But old movies to someone with Dementia. Is like Sesame Street to a toddler. And another distraction is food. If your mother loved to bake or prepare a special meal. I cannot stress enough re-creating some of those same foods. The sense of smell will help calm her. For it can bring back childhood memories. Or remind her of a more pleasant time in her life. Basically my advice to you is to use all the 5 senses. But if the day has progressed to the pivotal point of no return. I highly advise you to simply step away and/or step back from the situation for a little while. There is no harm in calling a friend. Taking a short walk. Or even just going into the restroom and hiding out for a while. And last but not least get some of that anger and frustration out of you. Whether if you have to just write in a journal. Or invest in a punching bag. Find the best method for you to release. Now will it make your situation go away? The answer is NO. But will it help? The answer is YES. You love your mother. And regardless of what anyone says she, that person who is saying all those horrible things is still is your mother. I know when people get Dementia. Doctors and Therapist's love to say that " This person is not your mom/dad. This person is not who you remember". But that's BS. Sure there has been significant changes that has occurred. And that will continue to occur. But just know that it's not your mom's fault. And it's certainly not yours. And I'm going to leave you with the greatest distraction of all. And that's knowing that each and everyday lived we all are getting older. And one day it just may be you someone is writing a post about and asking, wondering how can they find a distraction.

My mom loves jelly donuts.
I am in it deep with you.

I had to google your expression/words regarding the 9th Circle. I remember-maybe reading or not and/or using cliff notes in high school probably did not go that well. I feel I am not in h*ll when I am at my own home-my safe place-away from my self centered mother and her nearly non stop conversation about herself and only rarely mentions my father who is sitting 5 feet away from her in a recliner-then I am in level 9+ trying to do what i can to pay bills and deliver their meds and hold on long enough to not become sucked into her orbit and receive a daily dose of what i should do to help her (only). My mother has not outwardly displayed uncontrollable anger but definitely holding onto inner anger towards my father and his dementia, parkinson's and about 7 other serious issues that she can not wish or give away. Mom needs other kind of help I do not have in my tool box.

I have been going through the same thing with my dad. Who never before was mean at all. We are now in the last days I think. The anger outburst have stopped but he still thinks he can walk and wants to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. He hasn’t eaten in over a week and only tiny sips of water or Boost after he takes liquid meds. We did find when he was mean that starting an daily routine regime of Haliperidol every 5 hours helped a lot! We promised my dad we would keep him in his house to die so it has been so hard. Plus my mom, 90 and my Intellectual disabled sister live with them also. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my entire life! I pray and pray and pray and know God will not foresake me when I feel I can’t deal anymore. I also put music on and try to limit tv and lots of talking in front of him. My prayers are with you!

I try to get my mom out of the house daily if possible but if a few days go by where she hasnt been anywhere, I notice she's more depressed and irritable. Getting out seems to relax and distract her.

Time to talk meds or get MEDS adjusted. She could be a danger to herself or others if she lashes out and hits someone, or falls thinking she can walk, or do it herself.
It is dangerous for you, your family and other caretakers. Something must be done bc it is getting dangerous.

You need a psych consult or talk to her primary doctor ASAP. Get an appt. You shouldn't have to put up with being stressed out 24/7 bc she's ticked off at the world.

That can also be depression on top of dementia. It can show in the person by being belligerent, nasty, nothing suits. It doesn't always show as crying, not getting out of bed and sleeping a lot. Depression can be turned inward, or outward.

Get a doc appt asap and get those meds adjusted. It is not just for you, as a convenience; it is to make her more comfortable not drugged out of her mind. She is obviously in extreme distress. Would you want to spend your last years mad at everything and everything? No it is to make the person more comfortable. There can also be underlying anxiety too. They know their brain is not working. Good luck.

My exact problem. I wondered if your Mom acts like this toward everyone else too or is it mostly just towards you?
My mother listens and resists less with others. She doesn’t know who I am but I think she does know my voice and ignores me - unless I give her a command, like: “watch out you are spilling it and it’s hot.” Then she understands me and clearly finds the words to respond with: “I’m not spilling it!”

I’ve often read similar relationships with other caregiver daughters and their mothers.

It be great to start an elder with dementia and NPD exchange program - where I take care of someone else’s mother and someone else takes care of mine. So that the not so fun memories of a difficult childhood doesn’t come into play and strain our efforts to help them.

Because I can’t afford to hire anyone and my mom has got kicked out of 4 nursing homes my brother put her in and almost died of starvation & dehydration due to being drugged 24-7 and even though I do have that option again (I think). It’s a death sentence to her and maybe to anyone who has to deal with her in that type of setting. She’s is still very strong and able to walk a bit but when she’s angry she can do things she normally can not. Or will not anyway.

Magnesium supplementation for calm (check with Dr/Pharmacist for med interactions and proper dosage.) Calm music they enjoy and quiet environment. Walk outside or car ride. Cooking shows.