I'm not sure I mentioned this in my first message (which was so warmly received last week and I thank you all!) but my mother also has uncontrollable angry outbursts that can last anywhere from half an hour to all night long. She becomes the nastiest, meanest, angriest person I've ever seen. It's like I'm watching the Exorcist and wouldn't be one bit surprised to see her head spin around.
She's in a wheelchair but thinks she can walk. She can't even transfer from bed to chair to toilet, etc. by herself and screams at people when they try to help her. We live in fear of her anger because we're brainwashed into thinking her feelings matter the most and you MUST NOT UPSET the person with dementia! I feel like screaming at her, "You have dementia and don't know what the @#%$@#$%^ you're talking about!! The reason you don't know you can't walk is because you have dementia. Dementia. DEMENTIA. It's not everyone else who can't remember, it's YOU."
Yes, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? I never actually say it. I scream it inside my head when I try for the 1200th time to tell her that "your Dr. just wants to make sure you're safe, that's why people are here to help you".
We are looking into memory care now. And yet despite all I've written, I'm still torn. About 30 minutes a day she's a decent human being. I have pictures in my head of her sitting alone in her room scared, lost, confused and alone. It breaks my heart. At the same time, I'm coming to hate this woman who used to be my mother. And lemme tell you, she wasn't that much more amiable before she had dementia. She's always been narcissistic and me-centric. She never had one iota of self-awareness or accountability. Everything was always someone else's fault. She is still that person times a million now. I keep hoping she'll someday become a fun dementia patient who says goofy things and wears silly hats and laughs at the little things. Yes, I realize I'm delusional.
So, I write to you, dear warrior friends. You get it. You know the feelings without me even having to type them, but type them I do. Sending them out into the universe where they have fallen on compassionate ears and hearts. I so appreciate the response I got to my first note. I haven't felt that in a long time. That feeling that I'm not alone. I'm not in this by myself fighting for my sanity. I feel like we're all in this together. My dearest wish is that some of these words help some of you as you've helped me in your response.
That's it for tonight. Tomorrow? Onward and upward, right?
P.S. It just dawned on me that I haven't asked a question! My question is, what are your most successful distractions when your LO is uncontrollably angry?
Thank you :)
Another fight tonight came out of nowhere. And I didn't back down. I gave it right back to her and I think she really just didn't know what to do with that. When she's in fight mode, she is pure evil. I keep trying to tell myself it's the disease but the horrid things she says kind of take my breath away sometimes.
In these moments, I can't find any reason why she just keeps on going. It's such a cruel hand nature deals us, isn't it? I'm picturing the inevitable swiss cheese her brain is going to be and can't figure out for the life of me how it has the power to keep her heart beating. But it does. And I hate that fact. This could go on for years.
I have also had to walk away and reappear in the room- ‘oh hello! How’s it going?’ See if your mom believes this is a new interaction.
ive knocked on a door before and caught the clients attention to stop raving and to switch gears to focus on something else.
i have broke out in a spontaneous song. The client looked at me crazy but it worked.
I have had to walk away and regroup too.
also- does your mom have Ativan - either the tablet or the cream. I had a combative client that it helped occasionally.
Plan: My mom is not as severe as yours, but the more I can help her remember things (we use calendars, Alexa reminders, and pill minders, and, and, and...) the calmer she is. Even with all the tools, I make a morning call to go over her day first thing when I wake up. I keep her connected to as many tasks as I can - instead of taking over for her - which I think increases her trust in me and reduces her paranoia. I preview everything several times, often days in advance, so I'm not "springing" things on her. She needs a lot more processing time and memory cues than the typical adult.
Prevent: talk with her geriatric specialist about medication for the dementia and rule out other possible underlying conditions. For example, a urinary tract infection is very serious, often silent in older adults, and can cause the symptoms you describe. I'd even try lavender diffusers - I'd try anything in your situation.
Distract: favorite music, photos, a pet, tv... a fiddle blanket and even a baby doll have been found to be calm to people with dementia.
Remove Yourself: Do not put yourself in the way of verbal abuse. If she responds differently to someone else, do not let your ego get in the way, let them engage her and you help in other ways. If she is aware enough, tell her, "Mommie, you are angry right now, so I'll come back to be with you when you are feeling better."
I wish you peace in your journey.
I've always said I would easily and happily end it all if some of these ailments they have were ever visited upon me and I still believe it. Maybe even more as time goes on. I will concede that being burned out from caring for them isn't one of those scenarios but some days it feels that way. It feels like I just don't want to go on anymore. This life of being their lifeline for everything is overwhelming most of the time.
I have siblings who go on about their lives and visit once a week (at most) and complain that they're SOOO worried about my folks. That, somehow, is meant to mean all of our pain is the same? I've always said that standing on the sideline and offering opinions is nowhere near being in the trenches in a constant firefight but when I point this out, they're even more insistent that their worries are just as bad/exhausting/all consuming as my every day experiences.
This makes this forum even more important. I feel everyone here really understands where I'm at and the true hopelessness that can be totally pervasive sometimes.
As always, I truly appreciate all your comments and insights. I know they are hard won and thank you for sharing them all.
Take care of yourselves, fellow warriors!!
I hate to think it but it's a life that should have been over awhile ago.
You are not in this alone, for sure! Many of us here have experienced a sense of isolation, of feeling like no one "gets it." Moments when we feel like we're literally losing it altogether.
Mom was always used to getting her way; a tyrant. A family dynamic developed where we all (Dad included) caved into her demands because it was just easier. We knew if we didn't, our lives would become a living hell.
Before we placed Mom in memory care, she would often get up in the middle of the night, rummage through her stuff, rearrange cupboards and cabinets, sort through the trash; stuff like that. Some times during these night-time activities, Mom would burst into the room of a sleeping family member, wake them up, start arguing about inconsequential nonsense, berate them, verbally abuse them, sometimes even physically attacking them, often confused about what time of day or night it was, etc. Not pleasant.
Mom would get royally ticked if anyone disagreed with her about the most mundane things or challenged anything she said. We knew something was wrong, but this was before her dementia diagnosis. We finally learned to avoid conflict by "agreeing" with her, by not challenging her delusions or trying to "correct" her.
But there have been times when "shining her on" wasn't enough. When I was "it" and she was coming after me, no matter what. Some times she would become so obnoxious she would chase us out of the house. After her diagnosis, as long as Mom was at home or in a safe, controlled environment, I learned to just walk away. Sometimes out the door. Wow, she didn't like that. Denied of an audience to act out on, her anger quickly diffused. Another coping mechanism I use is to not offer a reaction when provoked, assuming a dead-pan expression. That tends to put out the fire. She might continue harassing, but unable to provoke a negative reaction (shock, alarm, fear, dismay, grief, etc), after awhile, she quits.
In time your mom's anger and hostility may abate. My mom's did as she advanced further into her dementia, though she still has her good days and bad days. She currently resides in a memory care facility where she is cared for by kind, attentive staff who think the world of her. She seldom "acts out" with them. When we go to visit, if her anger flares and gets out of hand, we tell her we'll come back when she's feeling better. This arrangement has worked pretty well for us.
I hope this helps. Wishing you the best on your care-giving journey.
While my Dad isn't screaming abuse at us, he has however become very nasty at times, and shows some shocking behaviour.
He was once a very compassionate and kind man now it's all about him.
I am too soft and take nasty things that he says to heart. I try to be compassionate but it gets bloody hard doesn't it? I cry a lot.
Anyway I'm the last person who should give you any ideas on.how to cope as I can't cope myself.
Beat wishes to you. Be braver than I.am and pray.
You should run not walk to her doctor. She might have depression that isn't turned inward, but out onto family. You should not have to put up with this. I repeat, you should not have to put up with this.
Her doc can prescribe an anti anxiety med/s. Give her meds, adjust her meds etc. They do it all the time. This should be addressed immediately. This is not your mom but her illness.
As far as eating or not, you can ask thats it. Doc might be able to give something to help the appetite or guide you on foods she may eat. Like a shake or pureed foods. She might have trouble swallowing. She might have diminished taste buds and since of taste/smell. Also when folks are getting near their time they eat less and less. It is natural for organs to start shutting down. They can live on hardly anything like up to a year. My mom did. It usually isn't painful and they aren't hungry. Doc can rule things in/out.
If your doc is of no help you need another doc. They should be able to help make her calm and not agitated. That is not a way to live. For her or you. Her twilight years shouldn't be all anger and fights. Can you imagine how she feels angry all the time? She probably can't help it. If she won't eat then maybe liquids for the meds. A patch, anything. You can talk to doc aboutthow to get it in her. This is no way for either of you to live. You can ask doc what stage of dementia she is in.
Can you imagine the nursing home with no meds? All residents would be combative and everyone would be injured. So they do put them on them to make the resident and the carer more comfortable. You need an appt yesterday. Good luck
You shouldn't have to put up with this. A doc visit should be immediate. They have seen this before. She needs a geriatric doc. They can help her relax and be calm.