I'm not sure I mentioned this in my first message (which was so warmly received last week and I thank you all!) but my mother also has uncontrollable angry outbursts that can last anywhere from half an hour to all night long. She becomes the nastiest, meanest, angriest person I've ever seen. It's like I'm watching the Exorcist and wouldn't be one bit surprised to see her head spin around.
She's in a wheelchair but thinks she can walk. She can't even transfer from bed to chair to toilet, etc. by herself and screams at people when they try to help her. We live in fear of her anger because we're brainwashed into thinking her feelings matter the most and you MUST NOT UPSET the person with dementia! I feel like screaming at her, "You have dementia and don't know what the @#%$@#$%^ you're talking about!! The reason you don't know you can't walk is because you have dementia. Dementia. DEMENTIA. It's not everyone else who can't remember, it's YOU."
Yes, that sounds horrible, doesn't it? I never actually say it. I scream it inside my head when I try for the 1200th time to tell her that "your Dr. just wants to make sure you're safe, that's why people are here to help you".
We are looking into memory care now. And yet despite all I've written, I'm still torn. About 30 minutes a day she's a decent human being. I have pictures in my head of her sitting alone in her room scared, lost, confused and alone. It breaks my heart. At the same time, I'm coming to hate this woman who used to be my mother. And lemme tell you, she wasn't that much more amiable before she had dementia. She's always been narcissistic and me-centric. She never had one iota of self-awareness or accountability. Everything was always someone else's fault. She is still that person times a million now. I keep hoping she'll someday become a fun dementia patient who says goofy things and wears silly hats and laughs at the little things. Yes, I realize I'm delusional.
So, I write to you, dear warrior friends. You get it. You know the feelings without me even having to type them, but type them I do. Sending them out into the universe where they have fallen on compassionate ears and hearts. I so appreciate the response I got to my first note. I haven't felt that in a long time. That feeling that I'm not alone. I'm not in this by myself fighting for my sanity. I feel like we're all in this together. My dearest wish is that some of these words help some of you as you've helped me in your response.
That's it for tonight. Tomorrow? Onward and upward, right?
P.S. It just dawned on me that I haven't asked a question! My question is, what are your most successful distractions when your LO is uncontrollably angry?
Thank you :)
You should run not walk to her doctor. She might have depression that isn't turned inward, but out onto family. You should not have to put up with this. I repeat, you should not have to put up with this.
Her doc can prescribe an anti anxiety med/s. Give her meds, adjust her meds etc. They do it all the time. This should be addressed immediately. This is not your mom but her illness.
As far as eating or not, you can ask thats it. Doc might be able to give something to help the appetite or guide you on foods she may eat. Like a shake or pureed foods. She might have trouble swallowing. She might have diminished taste buds and since of taste/smell. Also when folks are getting near their time they eat less and less. It is natural for organs to start shutting down. They can live on hardly anything like up to a year. My mom did. It usually isn't painful and they aren't hungry. Doc can rule things in/out.
If your doc is of no help you need another doc. They should be able to help make her calm and not agitated. That is not a way to live. For her or you. Her twilight years shouldn't be all anger and fights. Can you imagine how she feels angry all the time? She probably can't help it. If she won't eat then maybe liquids for the meds. A patch, anything. You can talk to doc aboutthow to get it in her. This is no way for either of you to live. You can ask doc what stage of dementia she is in.
Can you imagine the nursing home with no meds? All residents would be combative and everyone would be injured. So they do put them on them to make the resident and the carer more comfortable. You need an appt yesterday. Good luck
You shouldn't have to put up with this. A doc visit should be immediate. They have seen this before. She needs a geriatric doc. They can help her relax and be calm.
While my Dad isn't screaming abuse at us, he has however become very nasty at times, and shows some shocking behaviour.
He was once a very compassionate and kind man now it's all about him.
I am too soft and take nasty things that he says to heart. I try to be compassionate but it gets bloody hard doesn't it? I cry a lot.
Anyway I'm the last person who should give you any ideas on.how to cope as I can't cope myself.
Beat wishes to you. Be braver than I.am and pray.
You are not in this alone, for sure! Many of us here have experienced a sense of isolation, of feeling like no one "gets it." Moments when we feel like we're literally losing it altogether.
Mom was always used to getting her way; a tyrant. A family dynamic developed where we all (Dad included) caved into her demands because it was just easier. We knew if we didn't, our lives would become a living hell.
Before we placed Mom in memory care, she would often get up in the middle of the night, rummage through her stuff, rearrange cupboards and cabinets, sort through the trash; stuff like that. Some times during these night-time activities, Mom would burst into the room of a sleeping family member, wake them up, start arguing about inconsequential nonsense, berate them, verbally abuse them, sometimes even physically attacking them, often confused about what time of day or night it was, etc. Not pleasant.
Mom would get royally ticked if anyone disagreed with her about the most mundane things or challenged anything she said. We knew something was wrong, but this was before her dementia diagnosis. We finally learned to avoid conflict by "agreeing" with her, by not challenging her delusions or trying to "correct" her.
But there have been times when "shining her on" wasn't enough. When I was "it" and she was coming after me, no matter what. Some times she would become so obnoxious she would chase us out of the house. After her diagnosis, as long as Mom was at home or in a safe, controlled environment, I learned to just walk away. Sometimes out the door. Wow, she didn't like that. Denied of an audience to act out on, her anger quickly diffused. Another coping mechanism I use is to not offer a reaction when provoked, assuming a dead-pan expression. That tends to put out the fire. She might continue harassing, but unable to provoke a negative reaction (shock, alarm, fear, dismay, grief, etc), after awhile, she quits.
In time your mom's anger and hostility may abate. My mom's did as she advanced further into her dementia, though she still has her good days and bad days. She currently resides in a memory care facility where she is cared for by kind, attentive staff who think the world of her. She seldom "acts out" with them. When we go to visit, if her anger flares and gets out of hand, we tell her we'll come back when she's feeling better. This arrangement has worked pretty well for us.
I hope this helps. Wishing you the best on your care-giving journey.
I hate to think it but it's a life that should have been over awhile ago.
I've always said I would easily and happily end it all if some of these ailments they have were ever visited upon me and I still believe it. Maybe even more as time goes on. I will concede that being burned out from caring for them isn't one of those scenarios but some days it feels that way. It feels like I just don't want to go on anymore. This life of being their lifeline for everything is overwhelming most of the time.
I have siblings who go on about their lives and visit once a week (at most) and complain that they're SOOO worried about my folks. That, somehow, is meant to mean all of our pain is the same? I've always said that standing on the sideline and offering opinions is nowhere near being in the trenches in a constant firefight but when I point this out, they're even more insistent that their worries are just as bad/exhausting/all consuming as my every day experiences.
This makes this forum even more important. I feel everyone here really understands where I'm at and the true hopelessness that can be totally pervasive sometimes.
As always, I truly appreciate all your comments and insights. I know they are hard won and thank you for sharing them all.
Take care of yourselves, fellow warriors!!
Plan: My mom is not as severe as yours, but the more I can help her remember things (we use calendars, Alexa reminders, and pill minders, and, and, and...) the calmer she is. Even with all the tools, I make a morning call to go over her day first thing when I wake up. I keep her connected to as many tasks as I can - instead of taking over for her - which I think increases her trust in me and reduces her paranoia. I preview everything several times, often days in advance, so I'm not "springing" things on her. She needs a lot more processing time and memory cues than the typical adult.
Prevent: talk with her geriatric specialist about medication for the dementia and rule out other possible underlying conditions. For example, a urinary tract infection is very serious, often silent in older adults, and can cause the symptoms you describe. I'd even try lavender diffusers - I'd try anything in your situation.
Distract: favorite music, photos, a pet, tv... a fiddle blanket and even a baby doll have been found to be calm to people with dementia.
Remove Yourself: Do not put yourself in the way of verbal abuse. If she responds differently to someone else, do not let your ego get in the way, let them engage her and you help in other ways. If she is aware enough, tell her, "Mommie, you are angry right now, so I'll come back to be with you when you are feeling better."
I wish you peace in your journey.
I have also had to walk away and reappear in the room- ‘oh hello! How’s it going?’ See if your mom believes this is a new interaction.
ive knocked on a door before and caught the clients attention to stop raving and to switch gears to focus on something else.
i have broke out in a spontaneous song. The client looked at me crazy but it worked.
I have had to walk away and regroup too.
also- does your mom have Ativan - either the tablet or the cream. I had a combative client that it helped occasionally.
Another fight tonight came out of nowhere. And I didn't back down. I gave it right back to her and I think she really just didn't know what to do with that. When she's in fight mode, she is pure evil. I keep trying to tell myself it's the disease but the horrid things she says kind of take my breath away sometimes.
In these moments, I can't find any reason why she just keeps on going. It's such a cruel hand nature deals us, isn't it? I'm picturing the inevitable swiss cheese her brain is going to be and can't figure out for the life of me how it has the power to keep her heart beating. But it does. And I hate that fact. This could go on for years.
My mother listens and resists less with others. She doesn’t know who I am but I think she does know my voice and ignores me - unless I give her a command, like: “watch out you are spilling it and it’s hot.” Then she understands me and clearly finds the words to respond with: “I’m not spilling it!”
I’ve often read similar relationships with other caregiver daughters and their mothers.
It be great to start an elder with dementia and NPD exchange program - where I take care of someone else’s mother and someone else takes care of mine. So that the not so fun memories of a difficult childhood doesn’t come into play and strain our efforts to help them.
Because I can’t afford to hire anyone and my mom has got kicked out of 4 nursing homes my brother put her in and almost died of starvation & dehydration due to being drugged 24-7 and even though I do have that option again (I think). It’s a death sentence to her and maybe to anyone who has to deal with her in that type of setting. She’s is still very strong and able to walk a bit but when she’s angry she can do things she normally can not. Or will not anyway.
It is dangerous for you, your family and other caretakers. Something must be done bc it is getting dangerous.
You need a psych consult or talk to her primary doctor ASAP. Get an appt. You shouldn't have to put up with being stressed out 24/7 bc she's ticked off at the world.
That can also be depression on top of dementia. It can show in the person by being belligerent, nasty, nothing suits. It doesn't always show as crying, not getting out of bed and sleeping a lot. Depression can be turned inward, or outward.
Get a doc appt asap and get those meds adjusted. It is not just for you, as a convenience; it is to make her more comfortable not drugged out of her mind. She is obviously in extreme distress. Would you want to spend your last years mad at everything and everything? No it is to make the person more comfortable. There can also be underlying anxiety too. They know their brain is not working. Good luck.
I am in it deep with you.
Looking forward to reading some other responses. Good luck.
As a teacher, I always had the philosophy that a child deserved a fresh start each day, and sometimes each hour. They needed to know that even if they had a bad morning, they could always turn it around and I would always support that (not just assume they were still grumpy/angry). I tried to use that approach to mom too. If she yelled at me when I took her to the restroom...we could start fresh at lunch...I was the one approaching things in a happy, positive attitude, hoping it would influence her attitude. Sometimes it did, others it didn't, but I approached each activity fresh.
I also used to say that my little 2 year old grandson taught me how to deal with mom. He would come in, step up on her foot rests on the wheelchair and say, "hi gamma marvin" with a big smile. Sometimes she would respond with, "get out of here" not nicely". He would smile, hop down and say, "okay" as he happily bounced off to play. Then he would come back in about 15 minutes and do it all over. Usually she would respond in a happier way the second time.
I also found bribery worked, "hey mom let's take care of going to the restroom and then we can have some pudding!"
One time when mom was still at least a bit with-it, she had been complaining about me, I sat down by her. I told her I loved her very much and I always wanted to care for her, but if I was doing such a poor job at it, I would help her to find a facility that could care for her. She said no. I knew she wouldn't remember it in a while, but at least I could reflect on it and knew she did want me.
If it is too much for you, there is nothing wrong with putting her in a memory care place. That is also a way of caring for your mom. It will let you hold a different role in her life.
She loved her aquarium. it was the most relaxing and pacifying thing and my daughter came up with it. She would sit for hours and watch her fish. We got a big aquarium with big fish. Sometimes she just watched, and often she would have long conversations with the fish. She was also comforted with stuffed animal babies. Folding clothes was another calming activity for her. What did your mom love before ALZ? Animals? Knitting? Puzzles? (They actually make puzzles for dementia patients. Large pieces that fit together easily). Mom liked it when she got phone calls, so we would go in the other room and call. She made no sense, but we tried to make it as enjoyable as we could for her. She liked it when we brushed her hair,
We know what you're going through. As the dementia progresses, their care becomes easier. At least that was my experience. The fight goes out of them as they become less aware. If you can endure it, you'll know in the end that you did your best. Don't let it ruin your family though. Your children and mate need you and are fully aware of what you're going through. There are many considerations when weighing home care vs. a facility. Best wishes friend.
God Bless you for sacrificing so
much of your life (That most won’t).
I get scared about the ‘guilt‘ attached to having to be the one to deal with this myself. What my mother has said to me has emptied my heart and soul and I also get scared for my health.
As to your questions, no, don’t feel guilty about finding your mother a place in Memory Care. Never forget that the staff there are not locked into a 24/7 prison with one person like you are. The staff work 8 hour shifts with breaks, they care for multiple people and so get a break from the difficult ones.
My mother is now in a Memory Care where the residents are not isolated in their rooms, there are multiple activities for them everyday, they are encouraged to be out of their rooms and interacting with residents and staff all of which helps with cognitive and dementia issues caused by isolation and lack of socialization, even if she chooses to just sit on the sidelines and watch at least she is there, no sitting by alone staring at a TV all day which is what she did at home.
It might be the best thing for your mother. Mom's oldest sister developed vascular dementia and one of the effects was for her to turn on their other sister who had been her best and closest friend. She had decided Auntie was the reason she was in a facility and was very hateful to her whenever she visited.
I hope you get some peace whatever decision you make.