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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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You don't charge her anything as you DON'T let her move in with you to begin with. There is not a price high enough that would be worth the disruption, stress and burn out that caring for someone with dementia would cause in your home. Are you and your spouse ready to be changing diapers at all hours of the day, putting secure locks on all doors so your MIL can't wander outside, making and feeding her her meals as she progresses and can't feed herself, and being woken up at all hours when she's having hallucinations, thus you both running on empty and bone tired??? 40% of caregivers caring for someone with dementia will die before the one they're caring for from stress related issues. You DO NOT want that to be you or your spouse now do you? Perhaps it's best now to be looking into placing your MIL in an assisted living facility with a memory unit attached for when she gets worse, so you and your spouse can just be her loving family members and advocates and not her burned and stressed out caregivers.
I agree with others: don't move her in, don't live with her. My Mom is 95 and lives in the house next door to me. Even that's getting to be too close. Yesterday she got angry at me because she yelled over from her yard for me to come do something for her. When I didn't jump up and do it that second (after I told "in a minute") she came over to my deck where I was sitting and cranked at me. But lately there's no more reasoning with her since that's what dementia does to people. Or any empathy from her (I was working on my laptop outside, I'm semi-retired). Or sense of time (she's often early or late for meals or appointments if I don't go get her). This month her license was cancelled. She's also having bouts of paranoia and short-term memory loss.
The good news is she's not incontinent, which for many is a deal breaker. Please read the many post on this forum under the Burn Out care topic to see the reality of what you'd be in for if you live with her. You can still choose to do it but go into it with your eyes fully open and an a realistic (and legal) exit plan for if/when you get overwhelmed by her behaviors and needs. No amount of payment will compensate for that.
But to answer your question: since my Mom lives in a house that we own, we only charge her what it costs to keep and maintain the house (so, not profit, just pass-through). She pays her cable, utilities, and anything "extra" she wants done that we feel isn't totally necessary. She only makes $1500 SS per month. Her house is across the street from a popular suburban recreational lake so anyone else's rent would be 4x what we're charging her. I also have her contribute to grocery expenses since she eats dinners with us most of the time. I have printed rent invoices for every month that are itemized, and receipts.
But I don't charge her for "care"... if this becomes necessary then she's going to be transitioned into a nearby facility. The agreement is she goes when she's no longer safe in her home or I'm overwhelmed. She'll never remember this agreement so it will be a fight for sure.
Don’t do it , as already stated below by funkygrandma.
I was taking care of both my parents in their home , Mom had dementia ( previously had had a stroke ) , Dad had cancer and CHF . I at least came home every night to my own home . If I had to live with them 24 hours a day , I believe I would have been dead by now .
You and spouse will end up being servants , as your mother in law will have no filter , not respect any boundaries , will believe she calls all the shots . She will take over your home . Your marriage , mental health , physical health will suffer.
When I was at the end of my rope. Mom’s doctor told me “ There often comes a time when a dementia patient can not be taken care of by family “, they will boss family around , not be cooperative . Also when it’s an adult child taking care of them , they still think they are the parent and you have to obey them .
The doctor told me my mother had to be taken care of by “ non family “ that she could not try to boss .
Caregiving is 24 / 7 - another words you never get a break . If You Can deal with belligerent behavior , Obsessive compulsive disorder , Manic episodes , temper tantrums , Burnt Pans , Accidents for Not getting to the toilet, Laundry almost everyday , Cooking , Doctor appointments , Physical therapy , showering , Buying groceries and medications , Missing Items , Helplessness , Picking someone up when they Fall or getting them into a wheel chair and Lifting them up , changing Diapers , Paranoia . The list can go On and On . A Lot of People get Insomnia while doing the job . It is truly draining and exhausting . Your On Call all the time and you have to regulate them Into a strict schedule and rules . You become their Parent . I am not sure any amount of Money suffices . Just realize it is a full time job .
So true! But - you forgot wandering! OMG that first time they disappear and you have no idea if they're down the street or in a ditch. My elderly neighbor took off all her clothes one night in October when it was maybe 40F degrees and walked down the middle of the street. Fortunately she was found before someone ran over her, and she was checked into a memory care facility shortly thereafter.
Pay attention to what others are telling you. Home care becomes unsustainable after a while. How long that while is will depend on how much misery you and your family can handle.
These multigenerational living arrangements become difficult for all. Your home will not be your home anymore. You won't have the privacy you've always enjoyed even if she's in separate quarters. MIL with dementia will not stay the same as she is now. In fact, in a couple of years, you probably will not even recognize her as the person she used to be. All the filters come off. I doubt that you or your family have the training to take care of her as she will need to be cared for 24/7. The first time she walks into your living room stark naked with her Depends on her head while you have guests will be a real eye opener in more ways than one! This happened to my friend whose mother I've known since childhood as an elegant refined lady with a beautiful smile and a gentle manner - but dementia turned her into THAT.
Start scoping out memory care facilities. You'll find nice ones with caring attendants, beautiful grounds, activities planned for those with dementia, and great food. It is a kindness to place a loved one in those places. You can visit at any time and enjoy MIL's company, which you won't be doing for long if she moves in with you.
You know that everyone always says to a loved one, "you don't have to leave your home or you can come live with us" but didn't understand the reality at the time. It breaks your heart but you must do what's right for them and you. Can you provide a safe environment? 24/7 care? Are you going to be liable if anything happens to her? Are you the POA/ health care director? This is a disease that doesn't get any better and as the mind goes, so does the faculties. Are you willing to change and clean and dress her? Eventually, becoming bedridden will occur, can you handle that? It's time to have a family discussion about the quality of care she needs now and later. You're going in the right direction in getting her care but is living with you the right decision? Many here have drove themselves crazy, broken up their families and lives trying to care for the loved ones, that's why they're on the forum! Listen to them,it's not about money, it's about your well-being! You can't take care of the LO if you're burned-out and depressed. This is a trying time in your life and it's not easy. Think with your head first and it won't break your heart later.
You don't. I'm a paid caregiver and if is daunting on me. It will be triple as hard for you. You will have many sleepless nights. Some people have this belief that parents took care of us and we should extend the same to them. We don't. Babies will grow towards independence. Old people continue to decline with age with some people. I can't say for all. I have a friend who is eighty five who drove herself to the beach yesterday, a three hour drive on good days, who swims, and golfs. She and her family share a timeshare. She said traffic was pretty bad. She called me when she got there.
Then you have others who are in this mindset to make you a servant. No, you let her go to an assisted living or nursing home depending upon her condition at the time and what she can afford. You don't pay.
Charging has to depend on how much she brings in. She needs to have money for her personal needs and bills. I don't think living with you will up your utilities that much. I just read that rent should be no more than 25% of your take home pay. So if Mom brings in $1000 you charge $250. That leaves her $750 for personal needs and bills. Do not spend ur money as long as she has hers.
"Fair" is a relative term but to start... if there will be 3 of you living in the house then it would be 1/3 of ALL household expenses. Mortgage, ALL utilities, (gas, electric, cable, landline if you have one, garbage, sewer, water, newspaper) food expenses, homeowners insurance, property taxes If you take her to the doctor or anyplace then you charge her $0.67 per mile Check your area for the going rate of caregiver services. A quick search tells me in my area 24 hour caregiver would be a bit under $22,000 per month based on about $30.00 per hour. Search your area it might be more or less.
Now are you going to have to change your home to make accommodations? *Do you have carpet that needs to be taken up and replaced with water resistant flooring? *Do you have wide hallways so a wheelchair can be used easily? *Do you have wide doorways? (there are full swing hinges that can be put on that will allow another few inches of clearance) *Do you have a large enough bathroom that can be used by 2 or 3 people with one in a wheelchair or on a Hoyer Lift? *Do you have a zero entry shower or at lest one that will be easy entry to someone that is in a wheelchair or in a Hoyer Lift? *Do you have a lot of stairs? These are just a few of the obstacles that you might have to overcome.
How much will this effect your marriage? Are you ready to give up your wife as she will become the full time caregiver. How much will you be expected to do? And are you willing to do it? Financial aspect of this is just 1 part. There is a lot m ore than the "simple" how much to charge her to live with you..
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
There is not a price high enough that would be worth the disruption, stress and burn out that caring for someone with dementia would cause in your home.
Are you and your spouse ready to be changing diapers at all hours of the day, putting secure locks on all doors so your MIL can't wander outside, making and feeding her her meals as she progresses and can't feed herself, and being woken up at all hours when she's having hallucinations, thus you both running on empty and bone tired???
40% of caregivers caring for someone with dementia will die before the one they're caring for from stress related issues. You DO NOT want that to be you or your spouse now do you?
Perhaps it's best now to be looking into placing your MIL in an assisted living facility with a memory unit attached for when she gets worse, so you and your spouse can just be her loving family members and advocates and not her burned and stressed out caregivers.
The good news is she's not incontinent, which for many is a deal breaker. Please read the many post on this forum under the Burn Out care topic to see the reality of what you'd be in for if you live with her. You can still choose to do it but go into it with your eyes fully open and an a realistic (and legal) exit plan for if/when you get overwhelmed by her behaviors and needs. No amount of payment will compensate for that.
But to answer your question: since my Mom lives in a house that we own, we only charge her what it costs to keep and maintain the house (so, not profit, just pass-through). She pays her cable, utilities, and anything "extra" she wants done that we feel isn't totally necessary. She only makes $1500 SS per month. Her house is across the street from a popular suburban recreational lake so anyone else's rent would be 4x what we're charging her. I also have her contribute to grocery expenses since she eats dinners with us most of the time. I have printed rent invoices for every month that are itemized, and receipts.
But I don't charge her for "care"... if this becomes necessary then she's going to be transitioned into a nearby facility. The agreement is she goes when she's no longer safe in her home or I'm overwhelmed. She'll never remember this agreement so it will be a fight for sure.
I was taking care of both my parents in their home , Mom had dementia ( previously had had a stroke ) , Dad had cancer and CHF . I at least came home every night to my own home . If I had to live with them 24 hours a day , I believe I would have been dead by now .
You and spouse will end up being servants , as your mother in law will have no filter , not respect any boundaries , will believe she calls all the shots . She will take over your home . Your marriage , mental health , physical health will suffer.
When I was at the end of my rope. Mom’s doctor told me “ There often comes a time when a dementia patient can not be taken care of by family “, they will boss family around , not be cooperative . Also when it’s an adult child taking care of them , they still think they are the parent and you have to obey them .
The doctor told me my mother had to be taken care of by “ non family “ that she could not try to boss .
These multigenerational living arrangements become difficult for all. Your home will not be your home anymore. You won't have the privacy you've always enjoyed even if she's in separate quarters. MIL with dementia will not stay the same as she is now. In fact, in a couple of years, you probably will not even recognize her as the person she used to be. All the filters come off. I doubt that you or your family have the training to take care of her as she will need to be cared for 24/7. The first time she walks into your living room stark naked with her Depends on her head while you have guests will be a real eye opener in more ways than one! This happened to my friend whose mother I've known since childhood as an elegant refined lady with a beautiful smile and a gentle manner - but dementia turned her into THAT.
Start scoping out memory care facilities. You'll find nice ones with caring attendants, beautiful grounds, activities planned for those with dementia, and great food. It is a kindness to place a loved one in those places. You can visit at any time and enjoy MIL's company, which you won't be doing for long if she moves in with you.
Then you have others who are in this mindset to make you a servant. No, you let her go to an assisted living or nursing home depending upon her condition at the time and what she can afford. You don't pay.
if there will be 3 of you living in the house then it would be
1/3 of ALL household expenses.
Mortgage, ALL utilities, (gas, electric, cable, landline if you have one, garbage, sewer, water, newspaper) food expenses, homeowners insurance, property taxes
If you take her to the doctor or anyplace then you charge her $0.67 per mile
Check your area for the going rate of caregiver services. A quick search tells me in my area 24 hour caregiver would be a bit under $22,000 per month based on about $30.00 per hour. Search your area it might be more or less.
Now are you going to have to change your home to make accommodations?
*Do you have carpet that needs to be taken up and replaced with water resistant flooring?
*Do you have wide hallways so a wheelchair can be used easily?
*Do you have wide doorways? (there are full swing hinges that can be put on that will allow another few inches of clearance)
*Do you have a large enough bathroom that can be used by 2 or 3 people with one in a wheelchair or on a Hoyer Lift?
*Do you have a zero entry shower or at lest one that will be easy entry to someone that is in a wheelchair or in a Hoyer Lift?
*Do you have a lot of stairs?
These are just a few of the obstacles that you might have to overcome.
How much will this effect your marriage?
Are you ready to give up your wife as she will become the full time caregiver.
How much will you be expected to do? And are you willing to do it?
Financial aspect of this is just 1 part. There is a lot m ore than the "simple" how much to charge her to live with you..
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