M mother in law is 88 years old in the late early stages of dementia. She had a very severe heart attack on Easter morning resulting in 2 surgeries back to back. After being in the hospital for almost 2 weeks they transfered her to a rehab/nursing home. She was there until last Wednesday. Every part of her care/discharge says she is being released to our care to live with us
How she needs constant care and supervision. The last two days all she wants to do is go home. My s.o. is almost to the point of dropping her off. I don't want to worry about her until something happens or get in legal trouble for neglect. Any advice?
Great to hear!
I'm sure differences in opinion will crop up (as in any household) but with good communication hopefully you can discuss each new thing & resolve.
Dementia is a changing invisiable force. It will continue to change your MIL, stealing her skills & requiring more patience than you ever thought possible. Prompts needed, then supervision, assistance, then full care.
A couple of pointers;
- Add non-family helpers in as early as you can. Family-only arrangements cause earlier caregiver fatigue & burn out.
- Be careful what you promise. Promises to *care* are fine, but avoid the no nursing home one. That can set you up for guilt.
- Check the plan, often.
Ensure the plan still suits ALL of you. If resentment starts *listen* to it. Make changes as needed.
- Ensure the 'driver' of the plan is not the one with dementia.
Yes, really. Read the forum. Many many people get caught pleasing the elder, living the elder's life, forgoing their own, no date nights, no weekends away, no holidays. 'Mom doesn't want...' go back to my 1st point, involve non-family caregivers asap. Visiting aides, cleaning help for you, residential respite care 2 or more x a year. Lighten your load however you can.
Lastly, always remember this plan of 'aging in place - your place' can be changed.
As needs change, so must the plan.
The issue now is for you to agree with SO about the future plans. Ideally, agree with MIL as well.
Edit, I wrote this before I read OP's replies. (thank you for replying OP, many don't do that, so it was not expected). It seems you want to take care of her and agreed to take her home. That's your choice, and I wish you good luck. So at this point, you can't just drop her off at home alone, you would be endangering her if she does have dementia, and at risk of being accused of neglect.
What does SO want? Is MIL the mother of SO – and if so why isn’t SO calling the shots?
Is MIL legally competent? If so, she can make her own decisions about whether to go to her house, with or without 24 hour care. The discharge blurb doesn’t bind her or SO or you. If she is competent, insists on going to her house, but won’t be taking adequate care of herself, you can inform APS – which should let you off the hook.
Perhaps you could sort this out for us (and perhaps for you too).
But MIL is not.. is missing her home. Wishes to go home.
S.O is ready to cave in to her wishes. Is that it?
The saying: Lead, Follow Or Get (out of the way) comes to mind.
The brother got out the way.
You & S.O took the Lead & took MIL into your home, MIL had to Follow this plan.
To allow MIL (dx with dementia) to make the decision to move back into her own home is putting her back in the Lead position.
Are you & S.O going to enable that? Follow that plan?
You have both taken on duty of care as her caregivers.
You are aware she requires 24/7 supervision, so returning her to her own home to live (if no other 24/7 support is provided) does appear neglectful imho.
https://www.agingcare.com/topics/19/sundowners-syndrome
If you take her into your home, please consider that her dementia will only get worse since it's an incurable and progressive disease. Make sure you learn as much as you can about it so that you go into caregiving with your eyes wide open. Just read some of the hundreds of posts on this forum made by loving and well-meaning adult children who had no idea what this arrangement could turn into and do to them.
I'm hoping your husband is her PoA so that if you wish to bring aids in to help, or transition her into a facility, you have access to her funds to do so. I wish you all the best on this journey.
Either to your home, or as main support for a person going home alone.
It is reasonable to make an INFORMED decision regarding the new care needs before you decide you can, IF you can, IF you will take this level of care on.
Has there been a family meeting?
1. To inform you of MIL's care needs.
2. To discuss arranging what training, equipment, support services needed.
3. For family to give concent to taking this on.
You should refuse and say that you cannot provide the level of care that she needs. It’s an unsafe discharge. She needs to be cared for by professionals now. You can blame it on her medical team, who haven’t approved her to go home with you.
I’m sorry this happened to her.
As you are aware, after ER, is Acute Care, then Rehab, then Home. Well.. Home* If Possible*.
So #1, where is MIL's 'home'?
Was it with you prior to this health crises?
#2 If Possible.. this we can explore. Possible for her but also possible for YOU if you are providing the home &/or care.