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Usually we exchange chatty notes, but this year, I don't know what to say. The guy they knew is gone. How do I tell them where our lives are today? This is so painful that I am tempted to say nothing or forget the cards all together.
Our circle of friends uses holiday card-letters to stay in touch, since we are all scattered across the USA. So basic health information does go into these. My husband is 88 and has had some bad years, surgeries with dementia in the background. I am one of the youngest in our social "clan" so I'm still more active than most. I've skipped sending anything out several years because it's all my trips & hikes & kayaking alongside my husband's needing a hired caretaker while I'm away. Not the best balance for a letter of the 2 of us. I think this year may be one of those holes, since I haven't yet been able to figure out how to present my travel photos when while he mostly does doc appointments & sleeping.
It depends on what you usually put in the letter. Each year, my family would receive a letter how cousin so-and-so just came back from the French Riviera. Her son Jr. was accepted at Yale, their daughter is skiing in the Swiss Alps, etc. etc. The letter always came when I had a pile of bills on my desk, looking for ways to save money and drop my cable tv, was brown-bagging-it and cut out every coupon I could get my hands on. We (the family) would actually get a laugh out of the letter because we couldn't imagine a person would brag like that let alone actually be living that lifestyle.
Unless they plan on inviting me and paying my way to the Swiss Alps, I'm really not interested. Should I write back and tell them how I found Reynold's Wrap at the Dollar Store!
Your close friends, neighbors probably already know about your husband. Your close social circle will be a listening ear.
The acquaintances, former neighbors, etc. the usual, that you hear from them "once a year"--keep it short and sweet, less is more. Perhaps, "May your days be Merry & Bright"! Merry Christmas. Please know that earlier this year "John" was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, that's it.
The recipients will either pick up the phone and call you, pray for you or do nothing because they are afraid this will happen in their family.
Life happens, fill them in but let them call for the update. Still keep up with your cards and if you are too busy there are some beautiful online cards 123egreetings for "free". Also, the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York has a "public domain" online section of art works. Some of their collection you are able to copy. It is within the copyright to use. There are beautiful Renaissance pieces of artwork that you can use for Christmas cards.
Honestly, when I run out of stamps I do this. This year I couldn't find any Christmas cards at the Dollar Store. I resorted to online cards. People love it...even men remarked how beautiful the Botticelli Madonna & Child was for Christmastime when they received in their inbox. Keep it "beautiful" and not so much about doctor's appointments.
Hello indubuque. My Beautiful Mom is four+ years diagnosed with dementia.
We faced the same problem this year as I helped my folks prepare their Christmas cards, which have a tradition of handmaking our cards which have also been (joyfully) laborious. This year, we managed one hand-drawn card, we took to the printer.
Our message focused on wishing our friends and family joy and peace. Those who are close to us already know about my mom, and those who don't know, we didn't want to share the news at Christmas.
We love our friends and family, and we love Christmas. that is what we chose to write about.
It is hard (and feels a little deceptive) to muster up a celebratory sentiment when there is so much loss happening in our home. We just did our best.
There is also nothing wrong without sending cards. I know resentment lurks around the corner so, these days, I try to do what will bring me peace of mind. What will bring you peace?
I think the point is that this particular circle of friends has always been in the habit of including news in their Christmas cards. You either do or you don't approve of family Christmas newsletters (irresistible opportunity for satire is the best I can say of them, myself), but as the OP says these are "chatty notes" which sounds much more like a genuine personal touch.
I just hope she won't drop out of the circle for fear of ,,, not sure what. Not sure *she* knows what. God knows caregivers need all the normality and human contact they can get.
Just my opinion, I would not say anything in a Christmas card. And if I did, it would only be very close friends and family. Maybe just sign your names and after the first of the year send out an email or a note.
You could say "I'm writing for both of us because DH is ill with Alzheimer's Disease and the going is getting tough." You can then add in your usual length of other news, or you can tell them a phone call over the holidays would mean a lot, or you can ask them not to be strangers, whatever you would really like from the individual/couple/family you're writing to.
Be truthful, and don't make the assumption on their behalf that you and DH have to be cast out of the social circle. How would you respond to your friend if she wrote with the same news to you?
My mother’s dementia is severe and she’s been in care or a hospital for over a year. I watched for Christmas cards to arrive because I didn’t know who of my mother’s peers were alive or dead. I then wrote back and explained that my mother has dementia and has declined to the point that she can no longer write. And told about her care. Simple terms, rather matter of fact. Every person who received my letter phoned to thank me for letting them know. They said it was better to know the truth than continue to wonder why she had faded away, having also forgotten how to phone. Most of them still phone me every few months to inquire about her. I have just finished mailing cards to those same people, with an update on her care and condition.
Your husband’s condition is a fact and you cannot control how other people react to it. I am an atheist (with some pagan tendencies) so Christmas might not have the same meaning for me, but I look at it not as a time that has to be joyous, but one where we send cards to renew or confirm contact. Shared time, food, gifts. A together time, through good or bad.
It wasn't Christmas when this happened, but I really appreciated it: My former boss and his wife called me to let me know that he has Alzheimer's. I pretty much already knew from his behavior, but it meant so much to me that both of them wanted to let me know about the changes he was going through. They cried on the phone. As it turns out, he's done quite well, much better than my mom did. It was 10 years ago and he still knows me when running into me at the grocery store, but he is not his former self for sure, depends on his wife immensely. Family members find out right away about this sort of thing, but friends need to know too. It doesn't have to be for the holiday cards, but soon, let them know.
I don't know if your entire Christmas list needs to know, so this might be a time to pare down the list to nearest and dearest, and even consider sending a note out after Christmas so it doesn't sound like "Merry Christmas! Life is horrible!" That way you don't have to use the obligatory Christmas card and can just use paper instead.
Last year was absolutely horrible in our family. My mother died after a long battle with dementia, then in December I ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis three times in as many weeks. Frankly, there was nothing good to report, so I only sent a regular card with no note to a few elderlies who would have been devastated not to receive anything, and I let some others know what was going on after Christmas.
This year's card is much better as my son got married and I've crawled out of my post-caregiving funk for the most part, but I did mention why there was no card last year. Somehow having some distance between the not-so-great news made it less of a downer. It also helped to be able to report that I'm fully recovered from my own illness.
You might be too raw to put this information in a holiday card, so consider doing it at a different time.
I don't think a "Christmas card" is the time or the place to announce where your lives are with DH having AD, personally. I'd call each of your friends individually, or send them a note after the holidays, and let them know about your husband's health situation and what's going on in your lives currently.
Me? I haven't sent out Christmas cards since the 90s! I think I receive about 4 of them a year, and one contains a "Christmas letter" from my cousin full of chatty news of her life and what's been going on for the past year, including all the deaths, funerals, etc. Seems idiotic to me, but that's just my opinion.
I've already posted an answer to this, but I wanted to mention how a friend of mine has handled it this year. Her husband recently went into hospice care, and she has an operation scheduled this month. She emailed me with that information and said she didn't want to include it in her Christmas greeting because it detracts from the joy of Christmas. Today I received their Christmas card, which only has their picture and the printed religious greeting. Nice solution.
Very understandable dilemma. There is no right or wrong. You could write something out on some scrap paper that you want to include to some people. They may be able to give you a shoulder to cry on and some moral support, which they can't do if they don't know you are dealing with big issues.
You can say that it pains you to let them know in this fashion but that your husband has AZ now and that this has been very difficult for both of you. Or something to that effect?
There's nothing wrong with saying little and just signing your names as many people do. Also nothing wrong with forgetting them entirely.
This is difficult. You could keep it really general but honest without mentioning the diagnosis. There’s always later for that. This year, maybe short and sweet, “We enjoyed working in the garden this year, and here’s a picture of Cheryl with the big pumpkin she grew,” or “we welcomed our third grandchild, Francee Elizabeth, on June 2, and…..” My LO is very clear that he doesn’t like his diagnosis broadcast for now. How does your LO feel about that?
Honesty is always the best policy. If these folks are "close enough" they will want to know what is going on so they can support you along the way. This is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of, and it may give another of your friends the permission needed to be open and honest about what is going on in their life as well. God bless you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It depends on what you usually put in the letter. Each year, my family would receive a letter how cousin so-and-so just came back from the French Riviera. Her son Jr. was accepted at Yale, their daughter is skiing in the Swiss Alps, etc. etc. The letter always came when I had a pile of bills on my desk, looking for ways to save money and drop my cable tv, was brown-bagging-it and cut out every coupon I could get my hands on. We (the family) would actually get a laugh out of the letter because we couldn't imagine a person would brag like that let alone actually be living that lifestyle.
Unless they plan on inviting me and paying my way to the Swiss Alps, I'm really not interested. Should I write back and tell them how I found Reynold's Wrap at the Dollar Store!
Your close friends, neighbors probably already know about your husband. Your close social circle will be a listening ear.
The acquaintances, former neighbors, etc. the usual, that you hear from them "once a year"--keep it short and sweet, less is more. Perhaps, "May your days be Merry & Bright"! Merry Christmas. Please know that earlier this year "John" was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, that's it.
The recipients will either pick up the phone and call you, pray for you or do nothing because they are afraid this will happen in their family.
Life happens, fill them in but let them call for the update. Still keep up with your cards and if you are too busy there are some beautiful online cards 123egreetings for "free". Also, the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York has a "public domain" online section of art works. Some of their collection you are able to copy. It is within the copyright to use. There are beautiful Renaissance pieces of artwork that you can use for Christmas cards.
Honestly, when I run out of stamps I do this. This year I couldn't find any Christmas cards at the Dollar Store. I resorted to online cards. People love it...even men remarked how beautiful the Botticelli Madonna & Child was for Christmastime when they received in their inbox. Keep it "beautiful" and not so much about doctor's appointments.
We faced the same problem this year as I helped my folks prepare their Christmas cards, which have a tradition of handmaking our cards which have also been (joyfully) laborious. This year, we managed one hand-drawn card, we took to the printer.
Our message focused on wishing our friends and family joy and peace. Those who are close to us already know about my mom, and those who don't know, we didn't want to share the news at Christmas.
We love our friends and family, and we love Christmas. that is what we chose to write about.
It is hard (and feels a little deceptive) to muster up a celebratory sentiment when there is so much loss happening in our home. We just did our best.
There is also nothing wrong without sending cards. I know resentment lurks around the corner so, these days, I try to do what will bring me peace of mind. What will bring you peace?
God bless you. ~ VV
I just hope she won't drop out of the circle for fear of ,,, not sure what. Not sure *she* knows what. God knows caregivers need all the normality and human contact they can get.
Be truthful, and don't make the assumption on their behalf that you and DH have to be cast out of the social circle. How would you respond to your friend if she wrote with the same news to you?
Your husband’s condition is a fact and you cannot control how other people react to it. I am an atheist (with some pagan tendencies) so Christmas might not have the same meaning for me, but I look at it not as a time that has to be joyous, but one where we send cards to renew or confirm contact. Shared time, food, gifts. A together time, through good or bad.
Last year was absolutely horrible in our family. My mother died after a long battle with dementia, then in December I ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis three times in as many weeks. Frankly, there was nothing good to report, so I only sent a regular card with no note to a few elderlies who would have been devastated not to receive anything, and I let some others know what was going on after Christmas.
This year's card is much better as my son got married and I've crawled out of my post-caregiving funk for the most part, but I did mention why there was no card last year. Somehow having some distance between the not-so-great news made it less of a downer. It also helped to be able to report that I'm fully recovered from my own illness.
You might be too raw to put this information in a holiday card, so consider doing it at a different time.
Me? I haven't sent out Christmas cards since the 90s! I think I receive about 4 of them a year, and one contains a "Christmas letter" from my cousin full of chatty news of her life and what's been going on for the past year, including all the deaths, funerals, etc. Seems idiotic to me, but that's just my opinion.
You can say that it pains you to let them know in this fashion but that your husband has AZ now and that this has been very difficult for both of you. Or something to that effect?
There's nothing wrong with saying little and just signing your names as many people do. Also nothing wrong with forgetting them entirely.
Do what makes you feel best.
This is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of, and it may give another of your friends the permission needed to be open and honest about what is going on in their life as well.
God bless you.