What do you do with their stuff?

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What do you do with their stuff?

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My mom had to move from an apartment into a NH rather quickly. My husband and I basically threw all her belongings into boxes, labeled them, and put them in our storage room. Most of her furniture we sold or gave away, as we really couldn't accommodate it, but there are a lot of small things like kitchen utensils that she will likely never use again. Every once in a while, she will ask for something that was (for example) in her top desk drawer, and I can locate it and bring to her. Sometimes her memory is amazing!

She likes to think that she will one day be independent again and need all those things, but I seriously doubt that she will ever be able to live alone or even in an assisted living situation.

I don't want to point that out because I'm sure it would make her sad - she's already sad that she doesn't have anywhere to keep all but just a few of her knick-knacks, photo albums, and such. Those things I would certainly hold on to for her. But the random things, the dozens of shoes she probably won't ever wear, the clothes that are too formal ever to be worn in a NH...how do I bring up the topic of letting them go without making her uncomfortable? We are running out of room for our own things, plus there is the possibility of moving.

Moving Relationships Senior Housing Skilled Nursing Facility

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Go through what there is.
If there is anything of use to you or other family members dole the items out as fairly as possible.
Anything that no one wants and does not seem to be of value donate to a shelter or charitable resale shop.
Anything that may be of value that no one want can be sold and the money used for her care.
If she asks for something the new answer will be...I will look for it as soon as I can. I had to move a lot of the boxes to get ready for the holidays so I am not sure where the box from the bedroom is or the box of kitchen items, they all got moved.
By the way formal clothes..your local high school theater group would probably love them if they can not be sold on consignment. (difference between "old" and "vintage" might be the difference between an item being worth $ and an item worth $$$)

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Don't bring up the topic at all! Just donate or sell whatever is left over that you have no room for at your place, and that's that. When my folks had to move from their IL apartment into Assisted Living, I had to call the Salvation Army to come get ALL their stuff, basically, because their building would not allow me to run an Estate Sale where I could have made some money for their care.

Grandma has some great advice, esp. about the formal wear. It might be considered vintage and be worth some $$ in a vintage resale shop, if you're in the mood to do some footwork.

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You have to employ a mindset that the things your mother can no longer use will be of help to someone else, either by you selling them if she may need the money, or by donating them. And it will be a kindness to her if you never discuss this with her, handle it quietly. Keep only the things she may want or need

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So true about vintage clothing. All clothing from the 1940s and 50s are the new things, so check all her clothes, shoes, hats, purses for desirability. You can take a few examples and go to the eclectic shops in town. If you are an internet seller you could also go that route.

I would check with local women's shelters about the household goods, where I live they take all of that type of thing because they are helping get women and their children set up in private housing after they go through the shelter. Most of them show up with nothing, just escaping a violent situation. I think it is the best use for items that are no longer being used.

I would not tell her. My dad brought so much junk and I lost my garage to storing his mishmash of stuff. I started going through boxes and throwing out garbage, donating useful items and when he asked me about certain items, usually something that was really and truly garbage, like a 25 year old computer with no cords, I said I looked and couldn't find it, maybe we accidentally took that box when we did our donation run. Then I would say that when he needs it we will make sure that he has one. The crazy stuff that he remembers is just mind boggling.

I would keep items that you know she has an emotional connection to and start declugging the rest. I was soooooo happy to get my garage back it was worth his anger.

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My mom and dad live in a house FULL of stuff. Every drawer, dresser, cabinet , etc. is filled to the brim. Wall to wall furniture and two unusable rooms. Parents live in their home (89 &90) and mom has dementia She insists on keeping everything and just is not capable of understanding the predicament she is putting her daughters in. My advice is to hold on to the things you think she might be asking for and get rid of the rest. Someone somewhere will benefit and it's far better to be put to good use than labeled as clutter. Besides, your future self will thank you for having less things to tackle with.....especially considering you might move Good luck.

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Been there. Only I was cleaning out a house.

I first went thru and got rid of junk first. We have bulk pick up once a month. That all went out. My brother came up and he and his wife took what they wanted. There were 4 of us. I bought storage boxes with lids and put each of our names on the boxes. I lined them up and started taking albums apart. Giving each child the pictures that had something to do with them. Then I started splitting Mom and Dads pictures up. Dads service pictures to the boys. Every time I found something pertaining to a certain child, I thru it in the box. The boxes were given to them and they determined what they were keeping.

Her baking stuff went to a friend who baked a lot. Other things to a Thrift shop. Your Mom will only need a few clothes in an NH. My Mom had lost weight so I kept the size she wore and the size above. When she gained her weight back, I had clothes for her. Shoes, get rid of them. Keep the comfortable ones. Mom had 3 pr, navy blue, brown and black to go with different outfits. Didn't really matter, the aid took the pair her hand touched first. Actually, I was trying to find a pair of canvas slip ons. Easier to get on and off and comfortable. She will need only 5 to 7 outfits depending on how the facility does laundry. And thats all u want to leave besides socks and underwear. Keep things u think she could wear when the other clothes wear out. Moms winter coat I kept home. I took it with me if we were taking her out. I had under the bed boxes, I kept at my house, for when I switched Mom from winter to Summer. Don't leave anything that is of sentimental value or valuable. The residents are known to pick things up out of other rooms.

If your Mom has been excepted into LTC, I doubt if she will ever come out. So get rid of anything she will never use. If she asks for something you don't have just say she is limited to what she can bring with her.

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BEWARE: The first thing a NH does to a new resident is to remove their underwear and socks, never to be seen again. The nicer pieces of clothing will always be "in the laundry". Don't believe that lie; it went home with an employee. Any other item of value goes home with an employee. YOU will need to do her laundry, signs "Family does laundry", or whatever language is dictated, up around the room, on the laundry basket, etc. It's not difficult to do the laundry for one extra person, however, the NH staff will not dress the resident with panties, bra, or socks. My dad could dress himself. My mom, however, could not. She landed in an exceptional NH which did dress her properly and family took care of her laundry.

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I should have mentioned in my original post, it has been over a year since she moved into long tern care. There have been a few things she has requested and a few things I have been using, but that's probably 20% or less of the overall stuff. I am going to take the advice and not bring it up to her before I give away or sell, for her benefit, any of it. If she happens to ask for something that's gone, I'll buy new for her. But that's probably less likely than I realize given how much time has passed.

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Daisy9, I did her laundry at the old NH after much of her clothing disappeared. Then this summer I broke my elbow and had trouble transporting a week's worth of clothes back and forth, let alone actually doing the laundry. So I went back to letting them do it. A few more things disappeared. But now she is in a much nicer NH and they labeled her clothes, and instead of going into a huge basement laundry room they go right around the corner into smaller machines. I feel like her clothes are no longer an issue.

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I trashed a lot of my mom’s worthless clutter and old magazines...told her I sold them and gave her some money. That made her happy so it worked for me. $50-$100 for peace and clean out? Priceless if you are able to do it...

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It's amazing to me how many things (dresses, afghans, perfume, JEWELRY, compression socks, thigh high hose, coat) have disappeared from the nice AL my friend lives in, even though her daughters and I try to keep track. If mom has to live in a facility, she will show up with very little for the help to steal!

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Oh yes, it happens. Things mysteriously disappear. I know people who say their stuff goes missing all of the time.

People used to be trusting of everyone unless they had a reason not to trust them. Nowadays, people are very scared to trust others.

When I was pregnant I had to be on complete bedrest. The woman I hired as a housekeeper was stealing from me.

I was so disappointed in her. I trusted her. I gave her a chance and she decided to steal from me. I told her and I meant it, “If you had only asked me for these things and told me that you needed to extra help, I would have gladly given them to you but now I can’t trust you so unfortunately, I have to ask you to leave my home and not return.

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Sorted, gave away, donated and dumped. Anything they need can be purchased, we were not talking about VanGogh's, just a bunch of old stuff.

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Yes, NHWM, my dad lost a few items of clothing b/c the NH did his laundry, mainly his GLASSES! and chapstick, which was always in his pocket. The employees didn't care to see if anything was in his pocket, and although he always wore his glasses, I had to track them down several times in the laundry. NO EXCUSE! When he passed I found other people's items in his chest of drawers, including a small woman's sweater. All his clothing was labeled, but there's no way anyone could have thought that tiny little sweater could have been his. It depends on whether the employees care about their charges. Few and far between.

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If it gives your mother comfort I would be taking her anything of hers she wants, provided it is not expensive nor of sentimental value. What harm can it do? If there is room, take in an item of furniture in which to store the stuff, or even just a few suitcases that might store in or above a wardrobe. Perhaps ask the staff if they have a store room in which the cases might be stored and your mother can access. Yes, there will always be carelessness, and I am sad to say dishonesty, among staff, but once one is living among people who are generally forgetful and befuddled, not to mention those in various stages of dementia, it is almost a free-for-all. Admittedly my mother is in a memory care unit where it is most problematic, but the residents go from room to room in confusion, despite their names on doors and familiar items in memory boxes. And my mother does the same! Then there is the other problem of her leaving her belongings around the memory care unit itself! The unit has put up a Christmas tree with decorations. We are currently betting between ourselves how long it will take for the decorations to disappear and who will be the first ''tinsel taker"
.

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Good to know! Everyone blames the staff, when we know our charges brains are broken and they do the oddest things!

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Daisy,

My kids say that I have a direct line to St. Anthony (patron saint of lost objects). I lost cash out of my pocket in Williamsburg, Virginia and went to the lost and found. Not only did I get the money back but I had a lovely hand written note saying where it was found!

Another time my husband and I rented a boat in Florida. We were on the way to mass and my husband noticed that he didn’t have his wedding band on. I got so upset and told him to stop by the boat rental on the way to church.

I told the worker there that my husband lost his ring. He looked at me like I had two heads. I asked for a scoop net. With the third scoop, up came the ring! The worker went from a smirk on his face to astonishment.

We made it to mass on time too!

I have lost tons of things that I have found.

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I think you may have posted on the wrong thread?

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Why rush things! Keep her belongings as long as you can and do not bring up the the topic of letting them go. Her time is getting short and you have more important things to worry about.

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I think, if your mother won't know the difference, I would let her think nothing has changed with her world outside the nursing home. Vagueness usually works. My mother, who has dementia, is in a nursing home and while she's doing well, she will never go home again. After watching over her home and belongings for 19 months I finally sold everything. I have told my mother nothing. Thankfully she is not attached to any object in particular, but her home signified her independence and was a source of pride for her. When she mentions the house and says things like "Next year when I go back home..." I will say "that sounds like a good idea," or something like that. Hopefully, this will continue to work...

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Art, how did you sell them? On a website? Because I tried to sell a couple of things on a website called letgo & they never sold ...so I donated..
Thanks in advance!
CaregiverL

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My mom went into assisted living where she had a tiny kitchenette, living room, bedroom and walk in closet. Since she made the decision to move there, I let her box up things she wanted to take with her. Since she had a relatively large apt. in the AL, she got to take some of her favorite utensils, knick knacks etc. The rest of her stuff got sold at auction. When she died, I called a guy that hauls stuff away. He took the nicer items to Habitat for Humanity and the rest he took to the dump. I brought home some boxes of things like her personal photographs, business papers etc. and sorted through that stuff plus what I had saved from her house. I was pretty ruthless in deciding what to pitch vs. keep. I'm sure many people would be aghast that I even threw away most of the pictures but I finally decided they were her pictures, not mine, and I didn't even know who most of the people in them were. I threw away her junk jewelry and kept the better pieces. I admit that I sort of regret throwing away some of the jewelry, not because I would ever wear it but that perhaps someone else might like some of it for a child to play with.

Can you have a conversation with your mom and gently tell her she won't be needing some of the stuff and would she then allow you to dispose of it?

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i have gone through this twice in the last year. My advice is donate, donate. Besides Good Will, there are various other organizations who will put your gently used items to good use. The other advice is pitch it, pitch it. Not everything is reusable.

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It is difficult to discuss this topic. Experienced similar situation when my Mom had to move out of her home.
Do you feel comfortable donating items? Giving to help others helped my Mom feel better about moving. Maybe you can shuffle through her belongings and keep what you think she may need. I know just doing that can be emotional for you, too. Or maybe you can find the right moment to discuss with your Mom. Just be open and honest, explain to her you do not have space. Does she have finances to pay for a storage unit, even if it is temporary? Sometimes as a family member, we have to make the difficult decisions. Be patient with your Mom. As you know, just moving out of her home is emotionally taking a toil, giving up the belongings, is too! We become emotionally attached to “things.” They bring back memories. And maybe that is what she is struggling with, memories! Hang in there!

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In the matter of a year, I put my mother in a nursing home, and my godparents both passed away and left me their home so I've been down this road. Find a local Goodwill store with a drive-through! Like you said....keep personal mementos, photos, some things of sentimental value and put them in a nice box from the craft store. Put framed photos of loved ones in her room at the NH. Put a nice wreath on her door if the facility allows it, along with a comfy throw for the bed.

Keep some clothes, because stuff at the NH will go missing and you may have to replace items from time to time. Keep some costume jewelry so she can feel pretty and wear a necklace to the dining room, etc. Not to be morbid, but if your Mom's wishes were to have a visitation with an open casket when she passes, keep a nice outfit for her funeral, along with matching shoes and undergarments. But most "dressy" clothes can go, high heels can go, etc. Keep some face creams, etc. that were part of her daily routine. But kitchen items would definitely be appreciated by Goodwill. I went to Goodwill every day for two months when preparing to move from my home to my Godparents home they bequeathed me. It's a wonderful thing. Your extra stuff can make someone else's day! Someone who is in need.

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Your mom still remembers her things? Wow. That must be hard on you when you can't take her what she is wanting. But you just can't keep it all or know what she will ask for. As for the staff taking things, my mom's situation is different. Her closet keeps getting more clothes. When the ladies die and the families have been there already to take what they want, the staff distributes the clothes to the other ladies. I am often very surprised to see what my mom is wearing! She has never had anything stolen. I noticed one day that she had a pretty necklace attached to her walker. She doesn't wear jewelry. I asked the staff if my mom had taken it from another lady and they said no, the lady gave it to her and had given everyone something really nice. Well, I thought that could get tricky if they start giving their things away. But the lady died the next day. She must have known she was leaving. It was so sad.

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Sad and happy at the same time perhaps. Something about the woman knowing her prize possessions were going to the people she chose and making them happy gives me a warm feeling. Maybe leaving wasn't so sad from her perspective.

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My heart goes out to you. The fact that you are asking shows your empathy. I have also experienced the drastic downsizing. I sometimes think we forget what brings us memories and comfort. Some can look at some clothes and remember a wedding, a Christmas or the sweater they might wear on a walk. They may not share their thoughts, but their expression will tell you a lot. Hanging large photos on a clothes line with the names on the photo allows them to see them from a wheel chair, and allows the staff to visit about the faces in the photo. Bring two mugs so you can share a coffee with your person. Bring their own bedspread..their lamp. There was one room in a NH that actually brought a small cabinet to display her china. I can image there might be some fond memories around those dishes. In time, you will learn what you can let go of that she wont need anymore. We are in a period of purging, but all of us are in different place on our journey, Change can be tough for many people. This is a challenging move in a very fragile time of life. Take care of yourself and enjoy your loved one. 🙏

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Often the reason for having to move into the NH will dictate what you keep and don't keep - i.e; what kinds of shoes are the safest and easiest to get on; what things bring them pleasure but are not an expensive loss if they go missing. I can't imagine how difficult it would have been for my mother to give up all her knick-knacks but my father never knew they were there in the first place. One thing you could do for your mom - if her memory is still good - is to rotate items between storage in your house and her place. We had photos all over the place and consolidated photo albums - Dad actually enjoyed the process of going through the photos (until he got bored of it). Then he never looked at them again. We did have to throw away clothes along the way, when his body shape changed or they got too messy to clean. Stored his suits until he died; we could have gotten rid of most of them much sooner. I invited siblings and grand kids to come take furniture and household goods he wouldn't need. Donated the rest. Some is still in my basement 8 months later as I am going through things slowly. I'm more likely to let them go today than I was before. Now I want to downsize myself so no one will ever have to do that for me.

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I spent a long time in my mom's home deciding what to do. Originally, I was going to use her house selling to buy a house near me in another town. But when I found out that it would cost around $6000 to. pack and move her things (nice. things but only from a 1500 square foot house ) I figured that's ridiculous. she had nice things really nice things and it hurt but I realized that they couldn't go forward, so I set up an. estate sale.... that was ridiculous and only realized a few thousand dollars, so the rest was donated to Salvation Army, minus, the really special items that now sit near us in a storage unit for $200 monthly. It is a really hard thing because I know how much all these items meant to my mother and much of it to me, but the reality is, that this is a different time and family does not want all of these items. It meant a lot to my mom and thus to me, and despite the narcissistic mother, she means so much to me, so of course m any of her things do too. But hopefully someone else will enjoy her things. We were born in a different era where things were passed down, but now it has changed and it does sadden me, but it is what it is. I pray that we all remember the good things about our loved ones.....

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Just remember-they are THINGS. The memories and the love reside in your heart and minds always!

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Depending on how healthy and cognizant she is, you could take a box in every now and then and let her decide what she wants to keep vs donate.( women’s shelters can take kitchen ware etc) Some knic knac things maybe she’d like a specific person to have. Her “ prized “ possessions you could always change out monthly . Sometimes it’s hard to let go.

this was actually the plan with my mother. The reality was unfortunately after my stepfather passed away she wanted to sell the house and my daughters and I took many months with her going thru their 3, 000 sq ft house that didn’t have a closet ( nor garage and basement) NOT filled to the brim. She was mean so it was difficult. My siblings got fed up, got a roll off and literally dumped everything into it while she screamed and panicked. I wasn’t there( I refused to do it) but as the scapegoat of a narcissist and her narcissistic offspring, got blamed for it of course.
I gave up , removed myself from that toxic group so I never did take all the memorabilia and put it in scrapbooks for her. But it would have been a good idea if my family weren’t a bunch of psychos

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Its painful to read what you went through/are going through. I hope you are OK. Dealing with narcissistic people, especially family members (especially one’s own mother) is incredibly challenging. It’s exhausting to rise above and not let them destroy you. Blessings and hugs!

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Is there anyone in the family starting out, grandchild or great grandchild perhaps who might use things like kitchen and household items? I was just starting living on my own and setting up house when my Great Grandmother passed and I still to this day have a few of the kitchen items I got from her household. I don't use them anymore and they are surely antiques but I still keep them in my kitchen because it keeps those memories of my childhood and her house close.

Maybe take a box with you each time you go to visit her to go through and see if there is anything in particular she wants to make sure goes to specific people and then let extended family members go through stuff and take anything they would really like or could use. This way the things are being appreciated and loved again and if she should really want that red mirror that was in her bottom drawer you can get it back on loan from Sue for her but Sue get's it back when the time comes.

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What great ideas, thank you!

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In my area of WI, we have people that specialize in this sort of thing. They will go through most of what she has and will organize a sale of those items.

We had to do that with my MIL's things as she won't be able to live on her own again and most days doesn't recall having an apartment. Although today she found her old keys in her purse and thought we should go to her apartment to get somethings.

I hope you find a good answer!

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When my father died and the house would no longer be used, I invited all the family members to meet back at the house after his funeral and take anything they wanted to use or for memory's sake. I laid claim to their bedroom furniture and have it in my home in a spare bedroom, set up just the way they had kept it. It's my "Niles" room, since the home was in Niles where I grew up.
I also took my mom's miniature hurricane lamp collection. The memories of them are strong and I like having this room nearby and looking like it did all the years I was growing up. Now I have to decide what to do with these things as I get older--how should I go about dealing with these things as we approach the time to get ready to leave.

The rest of the stuff went to good will.

When the two friends I was given power of attorney over got into their memory care apartment, I began going through all their stuff in their condo. All their personal papers came to my house to either be destroyed or to send to distant family members (they had no children or nearby relatives) or for me to use in their care, including their taxes. For their furniture, I contacted a native American friend to ask about getting all their furniture into their hands, since they are the poorest group in my state. I wanted them to have it for free, so Goodwill was out. She brought over some friends and family members and took everything they wanted. Books and clothing that would never be used again went to Goodwill and the dishes, silverware and last piece of furniture went to Bridging. All this sorting and cleaning took me about 2 1/2 years. I gave myself a broad window of time so the stress of doing this wouldn't be too great. When the condo was ready to sell, a realtor friend put in on the market, had 4 showings the first day and the second couple purchased it for the asking price I suggested. All the money went to my friends' savings account to be spent on their care. Not having other family members to deal with made the job much easier for me. No questions, accusations, or feelings to deal with.

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My aunt had to go to AL. She was told, correctly, that when she got stronger she could go home. Of course she didn't get stronger. Then she quickly went to NH. She had no children and I drove up to get family photos since they were having to get rid of her stuff and sell her house to pay for her care. It was awful, she had become a horder in her old age. I drove 4 to 5 hours each way every other weekend for weeks while we went through her stuff. One day, after numerous garage sales, her friend who had POA on her health walked in saying how much better Bunny was. I thought, SH&T!, we have disposed of most of her stuff, all of her furs, evening gowns, etc. What Helen meant was she recognized her that visit. Whew!! wipe brow!!

One thing I didn't know and a lady at the bank said, sometimes old people will hide money in old prescription bottles. We never looked. It sort of haunts me to this day because we just threw out a shelf full of old prescription bottles without looking inside.

I am working on getting rid of my stuff now. One granddaughter said she wanted a needlepoint picture my mother had done. It went out to her the next day. Another one wanted to know if I had any extra costume patterns. Did I! All of my patterns except 3 are gone with extra scissors, beads, and some old fabric, I have a younger friend who I found out loves Disney, there went some Snow White and 7 dwarfs collectables. They are thrilled and I have kept my children from having to get rid of them.

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There are many secret places where people hide money. A dear friend could not understand how her mother kept using the cash she was given every few days, or where household items were disappearing. After I gave her the tip off, she discovered carpet had been lifted in obscure places to hide knitting and sewing needles, saucepans were buried in the vegetable patch, and the biggest find of all? Three thousand dollars, neatly folded and sealed in plastic bags....inside the toilet cistern. Lesson is to think outside the box, especially where dementia is a factor.

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-Donate to Goodwill or Salvation Army.
-Donate local town's senior center (many have resale shops.
-Work with consignment shops.

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