What do you do with their stuff?

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What do you do with their stuff?

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When my 92 year old stepmother had to move into a small assisted living apartment, I had to clear out her 2 bedroom apartment . She was able to take some of her furniture but I donated the rest to the Salvation Army. I told her everything was in storage until she was strong enough to move back into independent living (never happening). When she asked for something that we no longer had, I simply told her it was in storage and I'd have to bring it next t time
If she remembered that she had asked for something, I would apologize and tell her that I had forgotten.

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One thing that worked with my parents is telling them a charity is looking for some items they own. I first did this with vases. They had so many of them. Our church was collecting vases for Random Acts of Flowers. I explained the charity to my parents and they were happy to donate the majority of the many vases they had. After that, I made up (yes, I lied) charities requesting donations or things I needed. I still donated these things to local second hand charity shops, regardless of the story I told them. For some reason, donating to these shops wasn't an acceptable charity to my parents. So, telling them things were going to specific charities worked. I hate lying to my parents, but it is already going to be a huge ordeal clearing out their place. I have also started to go through the mountains of paperwork my parents had. They saved every piece of paper that ever came into that house. At first, I recycled old phone books, medicare and social security guides and things I knew they'd never need and already have the updated versions of. I am going through old medical bills and prescription inserts. Shred these things, of course.
Note to all of you. Clear out your things. This will be good for you. It will also leave less for your children or your other relatives when they have to clear out your things.

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Hi Emanes, my father had some old things that he refused to get rid of. He had an old ratty chair that he insisted on keeping. He would get very upset if I even mentioned throwing some of the things out, so I pretended that I took them home with me and I was keeping them at my house to use or fixing them up. Every once in a while he would ask me about something and I would just tell him, I have it at my place I'm keeping it for you. He would just smile and then eventually forget about it. I didn't tell him that I threw anything out or donated it, I just told him I was holding onto it at my place. He seemed to be happy with that answer and then would forget about it.

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I suggest not discussing it. Just do what you have to do. Keep a few pair of her favorite shoes that are usable to be interchanged occasionally with ones she currently has at the facility, as well as other small favorite things that can be cycled through the items she has with her so she has new feelings of familiarity and like she hasn't lost everything. There's really no reason to upset her with details that aren't going to change reality.

I loved Maple3044's response to you. I think she's right on. My close friend is currently emptying her mother's entire house and selling everything to save money to keep her mother supplied with her comfort foods while in the facility. There's no way she's telling her mother about any of it. As far as she's concerned, it's there waiting for when she gets home. And that's okay. We have to learn to live with not providing full disclosure.

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Not that this seems to apply to emanes, all the same I am disturbed by the number of people who discard someones belongings without too much thought, other than how quickly they can get get rid of the problem. While I appreciate there are frequently issues with storage options, not to mention extreme hoarding involved, we really need to factor in the owners feelings, yes, even if they have dementia.
People have a relationahip with their belongings, they place enormous value on them, and can be very hurt when they find others do not value them in the same way. My experience has been that what we consider their useless rubbish can be the key to unlocking their old memories, that we lose a valuable tool everytime we discard without thought.
One way to discard stuff but keep senior people happy is to involve them in the process. If they offer us something useless, dont say No, I have no use for it. Rather, say thankyou, I have just the use or place for that. Or, I know Jim next door uses that stuff all the time, I am sure he would really appreciate it.
Or Mum, may I borrow a particular item? I have always loved it, it would look so fabulous on my dining table. Or hey Dad, your grandson always talks about your cravat with the spots. He needs something extra special for some upcoming event, would you mind if he borrowed it? I am sure he would take real good care of it.
If you are lucky it will trigger early memories or, if you are even luckier, you will be able to separate owner from their string, rusty tin can collection, bits of useless paper collections et al. They just want their stuff to be valued and useful.
In my mothers case, she had to have orthopaedic shoes hand made, moulded to her specific and unique needs. Totally useless to anyone else, even if brand new. At that time there was an appeal for flood victims that involved a lot of elderly people. Mother willingly parted with her shoes, we convinced her they were going to a good cause. Even though she has advanced dementia she recalls that someone used the shoes. And that she is glad she no longer has to wear those clod hoopers, nor go through all the visits to get them made (a previously forgotten memory). I know she would be heartbroken if she knew the shoes went straight from my car to the rubbush bin, but as the saying goes, ignorance is bliss.

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I have found that many people associate possessions with a memory or memories. While a pair of shoes or a kitchen utensil may seem like a disposable commodity to an older person the item may be valuable. My thought is prior to donating to a charity, if at all possible involve your mother in the process. Not to emphasize the negative but the p9sitive of sharing. Are there family members who may need or want some of her belongings? Maybe just keep the most precious to her because of storage.

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On the other hand, involving my mother in the process of elimination was NOT possible. My mother as so very many others become so attached to items (probably much like the hoarder type) that involving them is absolutely impossible and the wrong thing to do. It becomes very, very upsetting.

My mother became so upset over it that this summer she had a heart attack and a stroke along with a pronounced increase in dementia. It was 2 hours after I returned home from I think my 3rd trip to her house in another town to go through things.

We kept some items which are being used in her room and part of her decorations for Christmas being used now, and quite a bit of other items in storage, but it is really expensive at over $200 per month. Mom can afford it and for her peace of mind, for now, it works.

Just, REALLY think whether it is a good idea to involve your loved one.

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This might not work for everyone. My mother had a house packed with stuff and refused to sell when she moved to AL. For a couple years I struggled to manage but finally the expense and time was too much. I started disposing of the trash first..The 30 years of National Geographic, etc. I started transferring the things I wanted, like photos, to my house. I crammed ever thing else into two sections of the house that I could lock up and rented the rest of the house to a woman who needed a place part time (she worked in another state and visited her child on weekends). It was understood i would continue to enter the house in her absence and she had a lower rent. I contacted the insurance agent to make sure all was ok and adjusted policy. The insurer was happy the house was not vacant...a big risk. I had help with the expense and time to start sorting.

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Sounds like it is working out for you. Aren't Moms something? That refusal to sell.... same here, same amount of time, and then when she finally agreed early summer.... it has been like a roller coaster but only going down... personal life, job, all of it.... very glad this year is almost done and on to the next year with high hopes of things being better. My Mom's house is about ready to be sold; that will be a huge weight off my shoulders. I wish you well with your endeavors! And an early Merry Christmas!!

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What do you do with their stuff?

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