My mother, for 1 year has had a broken brain. Not really sure what is wrong. Loneliness, depression, anxiety. I am an only child with a wonderful husband that I am protecting from all of this mess, and no children. I live about 10 minutes from my mother. I work about 10 to 15 minutes from my mother. When I go visit her every other day, I spend about an hour and a half with her. Everything is okay I guess. I don't mind physically helping her with anything, but when she starts in on how miserable she is and how lonely she is, it is terrible for both of us. She has outlived family and friends. This once, vibrant woman, who up til a year ago, was mowing her own yard at 86, has given up living. I CAN'T STAND when she starts in about moving in with my husband and I. I try to be nice and tell her that is not an option. She said she is afraid, and I tell her that I will move her to this very nice retirement/AL/NH facility in our area. She doesn't want that. I try to be patient with her, and then after a while, day after day of her complaining, and no matter how many times, I tell her that she is not moving in, she still says it. I tell her that somehow, deep down inside of her, she likes getting me upset. I lose my temper and I say stuff that is not me, but I pray each time I talk to her for God's words to come out of my mouth and asking for patience and courage, and then, I guess the Devil comes out. Any ideas on what to keep saying to her each time she mentions moving in. I have tried being quiet, hanging up the phone, walking outside, crying, cussing, yelling, and NOTHING works. I am not a bad person, who is not acting like a good person. Ideas please. Thank you.
I know how you feel about such a change. I was watching old movies of my father just a few years ago. He was vibrant at 88. At 92 he is just existing, not living.
My mother fought moving into one too, now that she is there now, she loves it.
As for her insistence to move in with you, just keep doing what you are doing...saying NO....I would just hang up or leave when she starts, keep your boundaries in place.
My mom isolates and will only socialize with me. Won't even go to the senior center because she doesn't want to be around "old people". I get the complaints, but so far no requests to move in, then again I am right next door already in a condo!
Whatever happens, stand your ground! Have you tried telling her that if she makes the request to move in with you again that you will come around less often? And then do exactly that?
If she refuses to help herself, don't beat yourself up for not doing more for her.
Try watching some YouTube videos on her disease and HANDLING her... the different types and stages will assist you when you do get her to a dr, and yes you need to make her go, it’s imperative in establishing what you can expect as it progresses and help you plan effectively for future placement... hanging up and snapping doesn’t do either of you any good because she maybe doesn’t remember even asking you once let alone 5 times a day.
Ive been short, I’ve been snappy and many of us here will admit it but getting educated is key in my opinion. I think Teepa Snow explains the types very well and I found a VA Hospital video that help you understand that her “very real feelings” are valid TO HER and how to handle those without losing your mind or taking her dignity either.
I bet if “it was her idea to visit facilities yesterday” (hint hint) you may visit a couple since you made appts to visit... perhaps she doesn’t remember that 24/7 care and socializing was the best choice you two came up with regarding her loneliness yesterday 😉 I think in many cases her short term memory will be first to go so use that to your advantage maybe? And try not to be impatient if you can help it, you’ll just feel bad later.
good luck and please get educated it helped me 110% within an hour or so I promise
huggs
HelpPlease1963 - As for your mother constantly asking to move in with you, first off just take 2-3 deep breaths. Deep breathing removes a lot of stress. Keep your answer on point and repeat as necessary. Learn to say something like: "Mother, the answer is no. You are stressing me out by refusing to even consider the very nice retirement/AL/NH facility in our area. I cannot help you if you don't meet me half way."
Sadly, trying to communicate with someone who has dementia is like lather-rinse-repeat. Their obsessions work us up into a lather. We come up with something to rinse them away temporarily. And we end up repeating the cycle at the next visit.
You can't control your mother but you can control yourself. Have you noticed a pattern in when during your 90-minute visits with your mother she starts with the "I want to move in with you" schtick?
There are meds that can help.
As you say, her brain is broken; part of the broken-ness of a brain with dementia is a shortage of the chemicals that make it possible for people to be content, not obsess and not ruminate.
Please get her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist soon!