Folks, I have many questions. But for now? I decided to just share my profile information and go from there so that you all have an idea where I am coming from before I just ask away...
I am unsure if I have picked the proper site. I am 55 years old. Male. Pretty much my whole adult life has been spent caring for others. My granddad, grandma, then my mom, my great uncles, aunts. My own three children that I had full legal and physical custody of. I was also a senior Pastor, and in full time ministry somewhere in there. I eventually after caring for my mom who in '14 was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer, was within a year and a half of her death, informed (because I almost physically assaulted the doctor) that my youngest son had stage 4 colon cancer. It had invaded his spine, liver, lungs. I cared or stood watch over him during multiple hospital stays. I eventually lost him in '18 at the age of twenty-four. I cannot begin to tell you how devastating that was. The pain was almost intolerable and still is. During his diagnosis and fight for life, I found that all three of my adult children had become heroin addicts. And for all intent and purpose I essentially had lost them all because of that. During my son's last year of life, my then wife and I applied for guardianship of my daughter's son, not quite two years old. We were granted that, and just before that, I suffered a grand-mal seizure at work, and was also diagnosed with diabetes. Both I was told due to severe stress, anxiety, and depression. After receiving custody of my grandson and losing my son Jordan. My wife and I separated and still processing through a divorce. So, I am now alone at 55, and raising my now 6-year-old grandson. I spent ten or more years raising my own children after my then wife, and mother of them, decided to go back to a life of drugs and left us, but I was younger then, and I had not been in what feels like a 16-year boxing match. I am exhausted. I do not know where to look for help, nor am I sure there is any available. I feel old, worn out, and just weary.
Thank you for your time.
* While I am drawn to Taoist / Buddhist leanings, it doesn't matter how we 'use' spirituality or religion for support. The key is doing it, somehow - and there are many ways.
- sometimes when we are in a position of helping / guiding / counseling others, we do not get the support we so naturally give to others.
- someone mentioned this here with the airline / oxygen. I would say the same is true for massage therapists (as I am). We don't get enough massages !
= human nature.
* You did a kind of spiritual outreach here - by reaching out to us. Thank you for doing this - for yourself and for others reading your words and the support you've received here. This is love in action. We all benefit.
* I tend to believe that active listening is the key supportive vs telling you or anyone 'what to do' - people want and need to be heard and feel connected. (To others and to our self).
- Although, I agree with many here: take care of yourself.
- I often tell people to take small steps to/wards self care: buy a rose, take a warm bath, take a walk in the park, write a letter to yourself or perhaps to your son or mother (if this might help you - tell them how you feel) . . . or sit and "be aware of what you are aware of"
- You could use yourself as a teaching opportunity for your grandchild. Share with her your truth - in a way a child will understand human emotion, that it is okay, good to feel, and feel supported, loved. By sharing who you are with her, you will help yourself heal.
* Come back here often as needed. We are here for you.
* Look up older responses here as there is a wealth of information and support in many posts and some articles by professionals here.
* Let us know how we can support you, a group prayer at a specific time ? lighting a candle for you ?
* Try Next Door (if in your area) . . . or a Meet Up group. You will benefit from reaching out in your community. So will your granddaughter and perhaps others in a similar situation. You are not alone.
In the Light, Gena
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