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You don't give up your own life in the process of supporting that of your loved one.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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Don't let family take advantage of your kindness. Do what you can, and don't get pushed into doing what you can't.
Be kind and true to yourself, first.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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I learned that you should not do any caregiving for anyone unless you are the one that has medical & financial POA.

I learned my lesson the hard way after caring for my mom.
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Reply to Jada824
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waytomisery Sep 15, 2024
Absolutely agree with this , especially if the elder is uncooperative and/or in denial of their decline .

We are facing that now , trying to set boundaries with MIL against her lack of planning , and her not leaving DH the tools needed .
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Some of the best things I've learned are from the other caregiving "vets" from this very forum...

(forgive me, I can't remember who to credit the sayings to but you know who you are)

"You have to put on your own oxygen mask first."

"You can show elders the solution, you don't have to *be* their solution."

"Guilt is for felons and people who have done wrong (illegal, immoral, unethical things)."

"No, I can't possibly do that."

"No is a complete sentance."

"No."


And my own:

No one should be "assumed" into the caregiving role.

An expectation is a premeditated disappointment.

Sometimes people have to accept the "least bad" option as their solution.

I wish I had found this forum back in 2016 when both my in-laws were physically, cognitively and financially imploding - while my hubs and I were working full-time running our business and raising 3 young sons.

I'm so grateful for all the shared wisdom here!
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Reply to Geaton777
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I've learned to live in the moment. With less time for myself, it is critical for my mental health to drain every last bit of satisfaction possible from my "me time." A key element of that is to live in the moment, during me time, rather than dwelling on the past or planning the future.
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Reply to landscaping
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What I have learned is to have all the paperwork done and keep up the paperwork. You don't know when someone will confront you. I was a rep payee for my BIL taking care of his financial needs. My paperwork saved me from going to jail because of his family reporting me to social security saying I went on a lavish vacation with his money. My husband and I took care of him for 15yrs before the other family wanted in and stole from him. He is now in a nursing home and I am not his rep payee anymore. I have learned my lesson family can be cruel.
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Reply to Babs2013
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That there is no "one size fits all" answer for every question. People are individuals. Try to respect the individual and the need.
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Reply to Taarna
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Hydration is important, both for the senior and for ME.

Don't be too picky. I learned this from a conversation that I had with Mom's 90 something year old estate lawyer.

Those who work in private duty care work really hard. I think all of Mom's home CNA's worked two jobs and some worked three jobs. Three were concurrently going to college.

Everyone enjoys a good hot breakfast.
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Reply to brandee
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Life is ruthless and none of us will come out of it alive.
Aging is fairly awful and we all will likely meet with uncomfortable ends by either outliving friends/loved ones, contracting a terrible disease, or wasting from dementia.
Those of us who have no spokespersons for us will likely be warehoused in a nursing some with overworked, underpaid employees providing care.
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Reply to Tynagh
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What have you learned?
That's a question that I ponder frequently.
I believe there's a lesson or two that I'm supposed to learn in this season of my life.
The biggest thing for me is that this has vastly improved my relationship with God.
Also, I think this is teaching me lesson's in empathy, patience and serving others.
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Reply to jwellsy
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Care giving means being less selfish
making sacrifices
learning what’s important in life
Care giving is giving back in life whether that be to a family member or to society
its about getting stronger
and dare I say it becoming a better person in life
we come into this life to make our mark but making a valued mark in life is also about contributing to life and the world around us
Care giving is hard but makes people better people

sometimes tho the lesson in life is to learn to care and respect yourself as well - that you also matter in this world and to learn boundaries and to look after yourself as well.
everyone has a different lesson to learn- only each of us know which side of the scale the lesson applies to.
either way- the lesson is a harsh one.
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Reply to Jenny10
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That I never want to be in a position that requires care
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Reply to Sample
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Each day is a brand new day, however for my dad who has dementia and is in a wheelchair and hospital bed is in Hospice Care but still here at home. I have come to live with him and have 2 sitters who help.. In all of it I have learned to be grateful for the little things and see that growing old is NOT for Sissies!!
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Reply to Charles23
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That I hope my kids don’t have to be in my shoes for whenever the time comes that I can’t live on my own and need extra help. The situation with being caregiver for my mom, I did not choose and it has been hard on them often.
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Reply to SoulSurvivor
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