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My mother who is 86 years old has chronic urinary incontinence chronic UTIs with incontinence ulcers. She has really gone downhill since May of 2017 until the current time re: the ability to perform her ADLs. All she does is sit in her recliner and sleep in it she can walk to bathroom with our assistance and take off her diaper. All other toileting, hygiene is left to me. She can also eat herself but that is all. All the rest is left to me, her daughter, 51 y/o on disability for 2 broken legs. I've been walking on a broken ankle and foot since 2016. My husband, a mechanical engineer had to quit working in 2013 to take care of me has now become severely depressed but helps take care of my mother as well.


As I write this she is in rehab for her second time in two months. Last year she went to the hospital for UTI with fall and then to rehab seven times.


I am preparing to go back to work as soon as I can walk normally again which means rehab and possible amputation. My right ankle and foot is still broken with pieces of collapsed hardware such as screws and metal rods that cracked in them


Of course it is extremely painful yet she still expects us to do all for her and keep up with all our issues. We can't anymore but she doesn't acknowledge that part of our lives.


She needs placement if we can get her to go or at least private pay caregivers.


What are thoughts on NH vs group home? Also any suggestions re: our situation. My aunt said I enable her, which I agree, but it's hard to watch your parents become so helpless (although, we are likely more helpless than she could be if she wanted.) What do I do tell her no, I won't help when she cannot clearly do certain things? Also, my parents were the only ones to offer my husband and I a place to stay when we had no where else to go and could not do a thing about it.


I could not even get treatment until 2016 and I broke both legs in 2013.

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If she has been in a rehab facility 7 times then I’m wondering if they offered long term placement in any of those times and financially you were unable to do that due to your disability. Nursing home placement would be best for your mom in her condition but that will also likely mean that she will lose her check and her home will be considered an income source. This is a hard situation since your condition is pretty bad yourself have you applied for disability? You need to strongly consider this as your mom needs more care right now then you can provide safely in your condition. Your mom would benefit from a good activity program that is very good not one who puts a lot on the colander but what they offer is not quality or anything in room. But I’m concerned about the financial hardship this may cause you. You may lose her home where you are living and she will lose her check so if you rely on that then you are stuck taking care of her with no resources to help. I think you should definitely try a different facility then the one she has been using she obviously does not like it that much or she may have wanted to stay when she meet friends and knew you were still going to visit and check on her. With her chronic issues I do not think a group home is best she needs nursing staff monitoring her condition. I understand that she is sitting all day in her recliner but you yourself are in no condition to do anything else with her she may be different in a good quality program that offers exciting outings to bingo halls out to eat etc. Covid is here right now it is a terrible time to place her as they are in room most places but if there is adequate act. Staff and they have some good plans in place she may just enjoy herself. But what will you do? Can you afford to move right now? I feel so bad for you and your husband so very sorry your all going thru this. Depression in men can be some of the worst I’ve ever seen it’s harder for men to snap back it seems. I think you guys need a break can you call a local nursing home and ask if a CNA there would be willing to sit with your mom at a fair price for a few hours and you and your husband get dressed up and go for a picnic and a drive alone. Maybe your mom had a favorite CNA at the rehab facility who would do this on her day off they often pick up things like this for extra money. I really think you need a break. And your mom would also benefit from someone else to converse with for an evening.
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2020
Depending on the situation the house is not necessarily going to be lost.

I think that you work for a facility that doesn't take Medicaid and that is why you are telling this poster that she will lose her home if the house is moms.

Something to consider when recommending facility placement.
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If all she does is sit around then I would try to find a group home.

They will be more cost effective and be able to provide all of her care needs. You aren't paying for activities that she won't participate in.

Contact the area on aging and ask for help finding local board and care homes.

Good luck and stick to your guns!
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It sounds like she needs a NH. She'll at least need in home private pay caregivers if you go back to work.
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