Each time I think everything is going to be ok, dad does something else. Long story short, he is doing so well in his new facility. He now wants to sell his house ( he is currently renting it out). I would support this idea but I know him and he has a plan. I told him he needed to keep his home because he keeps talking about wanting come home for a visit. Well he then says he can stay with me. I told him that would not work because his home has been fixed for him ( pull bars in the bathroom and etc.) So he became angry with me and said that it is bad that I do not want him in my home. But I know him and I think he is trying to leave the facility. He keeps saying he is in his right mind and can do what he wants.
I don't think you are broken.
I think you are breaking out. Like a butterfly from the crysallis.
You are someone who came to the Forum and honestly listened to us even when the "tough love" mits were on and we were punching away. You took so much we had to say about setting boundaries and limits to heart, you learned new ways of handling situations and dilemmas. You told us when stuff worked. You told us when you were disappointed it STILL wasn't easy.
Interestingly, WHO WE ARE at heart doesn't often go away. And if we are empaths and if we are caregivers and if we are fix it types--that stuff stays. I am as blinking OCD as ever I was. If anything aging makes it WORSE. Much I know it doesn't work to try to control the world in general or my own in particular I will be dead six months before I stop trying!
You have made great strides. You know yourself so much better. I would venture to say you know your DAD better. And if the day comes when you can actually SMILE about something that once scared or annoyed you? Well, that's a complete cure.
Complete cures don't change anything, EITHER! Ha ha. Don't get your hopes up. But you will know that all in all you are pretty normal. Like all the rest of us trying to think your way through the maze.
Good hearing from you.
I thought about you a couple of days ago because I remember you telling me months ago that one day I would smile and laugh at something he did or said. It has definitely been happening lately. I thought I would not get to this point but with the your help and everyone else here, I’ve come a long way. I still have a long way to go. I agree with you… I am breaking out. It feels good to set boundaries. I was literally and still am, exhausted at trying to please him and gain approval. I’ve just about come to accept the fact that I will never be good enough in his eyes but that’s ok because I know what I have done for him.
If you think your father has a plan to get out of the AL and into your house or go back to his, you should trust what your gut tells you.
You're not wrong. You would know best because it's your father and you know him. So if you think he will try to pull something if you let him come for a visit to your house, chances are he will.
Remind yourself of the reasons why your father was put into a care facility. Those reasons have not changed and are not going to. None of that has anything to do with you. So often our parents who were selfish, emotionally abusive narcissists in their youth get a hundred times worse as time goes by. They blame their adult children as the reason why they're old and have miserable lives.
Then comes the entitled attitude that their family is supposed to give up their lives and livelihoods to basically become care slaves that will prop up their false sense of independence by obeying their every command while at the same time discreetly running every aspect of their lives on the down-low.
Sound familiar?
I bet it does.
You just trust your gut tells you and that you're father is trying to hatch some half-baked plan to move into your house or back into his own.
It would probably be a good idea to talk to a lawyer about if keeping the property as a rental is the best idea.
That person that said they were taking him home for an overnight and was going to stay with him??? What a first class JERK! She "had to work"?? I would tell the staff where he lives that this person is NOT allowed to take him out of the facility ever again.
He needs to just stay put, for goodness sakes!
While the rental may be going fine at this time, renting can be a pain in the neck and as your dad is declining, it will become YOUR pain in the neck. I would support him selling it and do it ASAP. Will he make more than $250k in gains (someone else mentioned that number)? If not just get it done so he can not go back there. Yikes.
And yes, your house is 110% off limits. With all that's going on, don't even let him come for a visit. Nope.
Good luck. Stay strong.
His house is rented. The person who rents it is not there all the time due to work so he was not there last weekend when dad came home. The person who helped did help get him home but not stay the night because they were called in to work. They originally had gotten someone to cover their shift but then that person had an emergency. I know the house is not worth 250,000. No where near that amount. I have told him that it is not possible for him to stay with me.
* Learning to set boundaries - be aware of needing to set boundaries and then be willing to do that (it could be hard, elicit 'guilt' feelings ... )
* New behavior is hard and it starts with how you think about - his behavior - and what you want to do / figure out what is the 'right' way to proceed.
* Understand dementia - it likely is 'more than dealing with a difficult parent.' His brain is / has changed and will continue to change.
- The more you understand what dementia is and how to mange / communicate with a person inflicted, the more you'll be able to make appropriate decisions on how to proceed). For instance,
- You do not argue.
- You expect him to be / get angry
- You undertand that he is scared, confused, fearing losing independence.
--- then you learn how to communicate based on how he 'may' process feelings / new information.
Once you are more educated / aware of what dementia is - how the brain changes which continue to change how he communicates, you will be in a better position to make decisions in his - and your - best interests.
Google TEEPA SNOW. Watch her webinars, read her You Tubes, books, etc.
Learn that you can be both compassionate and practical / set boundaries at the same time. First, you need to know you can set boundaries, not take his behavior and words personally (not so easy to do, easy to say), and learn to put yourself first ... in order to be there for him. If you continue to let him ... determine your thoughts and behavior, you will burn out and it will not serve either of you.
Gena / Touch Matters
New behavior is definitely hard to start when you are not use to not putting yourself first. What is also hard is that fact that my dad has always been this way. I could accept it better if it was only Dementia. His ill treatment of me, my mom ( when she was living) and others is not new. I am noticing him being more forgetful now and a little confused like when it comes to what day it is but he still wants to control and speak harshly/ugly . His side of the family know how he is and is just now admitting it. Lord forgive me if I'm wrong but I think he has lied all these years and made them think my daughter and I did nothing to help him but now they have seen the light.
You don’t have to do one thing about his thoughts.