What lies do caregivers tell their sick loved ones to avoid fights?
My 81 y.o. Alz mother wants to go with me EVERYWHERE I go. But she can't. She doesn't like waiting, loud places, crowded places, cold places, boring (for her) places, long drives, strangers, etc. She would demand to go home in the middle of the trips or go back to sit in the van in 100 degree outside temperature, or complains repeatedly that I made her come along. She has ruined so many trips to the parks, grocery stores, Costco, kids' school. She drained the battery in the van by blasting the ac/fan when the engine was not running, and left us stranded. She stresses my kids out so much that they don't want her to come along with them to most places.
In order to get away from the house and leave her at home, I have to come up with a lie to tell her so she won't want to come along. The only one that works so far is: I need to go walk the dog. Since she can't walk much, she doesn't want to come along. She has no short term memory, it's no use telling her that she didn't like to come on a particular trip before, or that she asked to come along earlier and now that she's there she doesn't like it.
I would like to know what lies other caregivers tell their LO so that they can avoid a fight or a tantrum. And do you have any suggestions for me to tell my mother so she will not ask to come along when I don't want her to?
Thanks
I run the family store and take my mom with me to work. She has dementia. Now that it is Winter, I use that and just started saying "you can't go with me today it's too cold." She is slowing down now and doesn't want to go in the grocery store but I bring her along for the ride. This took a couple of years for me to get up the gumption to tell her no. What works is taking her out for a drive just to the pharmacy or wherever. Then go get fast food and go home and eat. I will not lie. Depakote and depression meds. have worked wonders here! This is such a trying time. Even when I say it's too cold, my mom will walk over and open the door and look at the thermometer and just "test" to see if it's really cold! Oh your struggle is real. I know because I'm in it hahaha!
For now, my mom can be by herself for an hour or so. She stays in her bed and watches TV, or sleeps. She can't walk well, so no concern about her wandering away. I plan on getting some help. I know someone who might be able to come and sit and talk with her for a few hours couple times a week. Hopefully, she can start next month.
freqflyer- very clever about the hip breaking weather, straight to the point.
windyridge - I agree it is a mixed blessing. In my mom's case, it takes a couple of hours for her to forget that she was mad.
The only blessing of dementia I can thing of. Well, mixed blessing.......at best.
When Mom would want to visit a certain sister, I would say something to the effect that I had called Grace but she was busy at work [Grace had passed 30 years prior]. Then Mom would grumble that my Dad went on the tour bus without her so I would say "I will talk to Dad about that" [Mom thought she was in a motel and Dad was sight seeing... Dad was home with his caregiver].
Now with snowy weather, there is always "the sidewalks are very icy". One day I called my boss saying I wasn't coming in because of the "hip breaking weather". He didn't go in either, closed the office.
Other ideas...
I'm just going to get gas
The street there is closed so I'll have to park blocks away and walk
How about the simple truth - sorry mom you can't come today, what would you like me to bring you?