My mother has Alzheimer’s and we are preparing to get her into assisted living. My brother's wife and my sister's husband feel it is disrespectful to not include them in all discussions and decisions as it regards my mother. I feel it is too tender-hearted a topic for so many people to be involved in. The relationships are difficult at best. Must they be included?
And if the discussions involve anything that would require a commitment of time or money from any of you then it's unfair to ask for commitments without including your sib's partners, because those decisions need to include everyone.
In a perfect world, everyone would be on the same page about AL/MC for mom. But reality often gets in the way of perfection.
I hope it all works out for you, that everyone agrees that your mom is best off in residential care.
My suggestion would be to get close to a decision yourselves, then have a meeting to say ‘this is our current best option, do you have any other suggestions?’. Immediate family can still make the decision. Spouses live with the consequences of what’s decided- visiting, clearing out house, garden and selling, etc. I can see why they would prefer to be involved at some level.