Husband has Alzheimers. For 6 years I have been taking care of him, by myself. No family or relatives near by to help. I am mid 60s, he is mid 70s. I tried, wanted to keep him here until he died, but his heart and lungs are too strong, and his body got weak, not being able to get up and walk. I could not do it anymore. Mentally and physically I was 'losing it'. I put him into an assisted living dementia lock down home, a few weeks ago.
I am trying to cope. Miss having him here, even tho he couldn't do anything but sit or lay down, and eat and drink. I did everything else. Not crying quite as much as I did. But I am wondering what I should do next, where I should go for help. He is a retired Veteran. Our Social Securitys and his retirement are going towards his rent at the home. I am living off our savings. Should I go to VA? Should I get an attorney, or Elder Law specialist, or? Maybe I am still not thinking straight. Trying to get my head on straight, and my so called Friends are throwing sarcasm my way, trying to make me feel bad about my decision.
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I was able to keep him at home, and at the end had hospice come into the house. But not because I was a martyr but because with help I could deal with his particular symptoms. He was able to get out of bed and to walk until the very final days.
It sounds to me like you are keeping the promise I made -- you are not abandoning him, you are advocating for him, you are seeing that he gets the care he deserves and that you could not provide by yourself. It certainly makes sense to me that you feel bad that your husband has dementia, and that you feel sad he is not with you in your home. Crying seems an appropriate response. But shame on your "friends" for trying to make you feel bad about your decision. You are doing your best, your are doing the right things. You are acting in love. It is the "friends" who lack compassion.
On a practical level, follow Pam's advice. AND also consult an attorney specializing in Elder Law. You need to be able to support yourself for another three decades or so. You can't use up all your savings before you seek help. An attorney can help you look after your own interests as well as your husband's.
Having to place a spouse in a care facility is a major milestone of loss. Allow yourself to mourn. I am glad to see you getting on with the next phase of caregiving. You'll get through this, with your compassion and self esteem intact.
My dad didn't have Alzheimers, he had lung cancer. But once he couldn't get up from the toilet, I had to put him in the Skilled Nursing section of the place where he lived with my mom in Independent Living. There is just no way for one person to handle that and keep their own health and sanity. You did the right thing. Now you can go back to being a wife and caregiver and not nurse, personal aid, bather, cook, etc. Hugs...you did the right thing for both of you.