He "Shadows" me everywhere, worse than the dogs! If I get up to go to the bathroom he follows me and stands outside door. When I fold the wash he follows me to the Laundry room and stands at that door. When I am cooking he stands in the kitchen while I walk all around him to get what I need. It is very inconvenient , but I smile and act pleasant so he doesn't get upset. When is it my turn to get upset? This is beginning to get me crazy. The only place he doesn't follow me is into the computer room. I don't know why. I can't spend too much time in there because now he is pooping in rooms other than the bathroom if I don't follow him around. The other day I sat down to have a yogurt and he went into the guest bedroom and pooped on my fabric covered hassock. Yuck. Once he went out in the garage and pooped. The interesting part is that he usually poops in his Depends and never remembers to pull them down when sitting on the toilet. I have to do it for him. Yesterday he was angry with me for trying to attend a baby shower. He got all mad and started shoving me around, and yelling at the way too young caregiver who had just arrived. I sent her home....no baby shower for me yesterday. Then when we went into the bathroom he wouldn't let me do anything for him. He wanted to do it himself....which he doesn't remember how to do! What a mess and catastrophe yesterday was. And we actually had a peaceful and calm week leading up to this! But my main question is what to do about the shadowing. Even his favorite movie doesn't hold his attention anymore.
It's not an easy place at all to be, but it is what it is I'm afraid. Good Luck.
My husband stands in front of me in the kitchen all the time. I know what you mean about having to move around him. It is so frustrating that he doesn't see that I need to move to fill something with water and will let me walk around him. He doesn't have dementia, just memory loss a bit, but he has trouble moving.
I don't believe there is anything you can "do" as such in the home to stop this. But the right meds might lessen his anxiety so that he would stop doing it. Has he been seen by a geriatric doctor?
I have written many times that my mom was impossible until we took her to a Senior Behavioral Clinic. They are everywhere now. My mom was there for ten days and they watched her intensely and fine-tuned her meds. Like night and day. The loss of memory causes anxiety, which can become intense and lead to weird behavior.
You will need a referral but start with a googling for Senior Behavioral Clinic in your area. They know what to do. FYI: when it was all over, the insurance paid for everything but $1,000. Well, worth it to have our lives back.
You need time to yourself and you need to protect yourself. You are trying your best and doing well but there is only so much you can do. Violence against the caregiver is not uncommon. Your husband can't help it but you shouldn't put yourself in a position where you can be seriously hurt. With him in memory care, you'll be able to see him and be his advocate but should there be a physical attack you can get help. You can leave and get away from it. This is a hard decision but sometimes the best for everyone.
Please update us on how you are doing.
Carol
Getting upset will not help either of you. It generally just makes both people act in worse ways. It escalates the situation and no one is helped.
His violence directed at you is of concern. You need to be safe. It is not uncommon for a person with dementia to become physically aggressive but there are limits to what you can handle in a home setting by yourself. You do not have to leave yourself in a position of being hurt. Just think, if you are hurt then who will care for both of you?
Perhaps it is time to consider moving him into a facility which could provide the care he needs in a context which may be more safe for both of you.
Hang in t here!
You don't diqualift yourself by gining small gifts, but yhere may be a "penalty", a period of time during which Medicaid won't pay for your husband's care.
You are right, you don't sell the house to pay for his care, but even if he goes into a faciliry on Medicaid, you would still be able to have the house as a community spouse, a spouse not in a facility. I think you need to get clarification on some of these issues.
What about the dogs. Have they also been dominating you by demanding all your attention?
Well, these are all behaviors that need boundry setting. Time to get creative and learn to say no and stay.
Dementia kicking in compounding this problem now?
Put pants with buttons and snaps and belts in order to stop the pooping. Hire a P/T Caregiver to start a new toileting routine and establish the foundation for this. He will get used to the idea of allowing assistance and you will acquire the freedom that you 'desperately need' at this point. Do not ignore this.
Give him something in his hands to hold when you are working. try a variety of things until you hit the one he likes to hold. And then let him be with it as you continue with your work. It is not relevant what he does or does not do with the object he holds. As long as he is busy with it doing something. And he is not in danger. Let him alone with it. Do not try to help him, teach him or tell him what to do with his object. And, if he continues to ignore all the objects you hand him ignore that 'behavior'. Eventually he will pick one of them up.
Do not cater to his every whim or every need. This will only reinforce his neediness and dependence on you. Like the mommy bird that let the baby fly, you too will learn to practice observing what your loved one 'can' and 'can not do' and then you will start guiding him to 'do' what he 'can and you will learn 'when' the other things need to be done, or 'not done'.
Again, I suggest hiring P/T help at this time to help you 'pull away' a bit. This is healthy and safe for both of you.
In the event you have been a codependent person all your life, have enabled others to lean on you and control you for too long, get someone to talk to immediately. Or else you will be looking at two options. 1) Go under 2) Tip over.
I've heard of the community spouse rule another poster mentioned, it allows for the independent spouse to keep/own a home that's valued under a certain amount. I didn't realize the gifting rules were so tight, a small gift to a grandkid at Christmas doesn't seem unreasonable, but I don't know the rules. I do think I'd speak with the medicaide office directly and then I'd probably follow up with an ATTNY as well to be certain. I think you may be in a better position than you think though. Hang in there!
When he didn't want me to spend time in the computer room, I told him that I had given up my job to take care of him, BUT I needed my own space and time to myself. Explained that since he was watching TV/sleeping on the couch, I didn't need to be there. I had things I enjoyed doing on the computer. He had his favorite show, which I keep backup of recordings, and he was ok. I could hear him, if he needed help, just say my name. Even now, he comes to check on me every once in a while. So, I ask if he needs something, then try to guess what it might be, because he cannot say, OR I tell him that he is ok, I am ok, and I'll be in there soon, dinner will be soon, or whatever.
He also objected to caregivers. So I told him that the only way I was going to be able to keep him at home, as long as possible, was if I had help. So, if he wanted to stay at home, we had to have caregivers. Then I make sure the caregivers do something he likes, such as play a game. He can't remember how to do a lot of thing, but he can remember simple games, like go fish, uno, etc. He also gets favorite food that he doesn't get, when I'm home. In the beginning, I made a deal out of, you get to do this today...yea!
I've also heard, but have not had to try scheduling potty times, i.e. reminding them or having them go every couple of hours. Maybe even have them go right before you need to do something and you know that is the time there are "accidents." I try to do this, when I know we are going out, because sure enough, the minute we get in the car or store, he has to go and dealing with potty issues in public bathrooms can be a nightmare.
When my husband didn't want to wear pads, I asked what would be more embarrassing, wearing a pad that no one knew about or wetting his pants in public, because he couldn't hold it. Then suggested that we try it and see how it worked. Used the pads that fit into his regular underwear. When they were not enough, he was fine with the pullups. I haven't tried this yet either, but have heard about using packaging tape to keep their pullups on. Then you have to cut them off, and there are scissors that hospitals use, with rounded ends to avoid puncturing someone.
Also, it probably has nothing to do with being "co-dependent", or "learning to set limits or boundaries." That may work with a man who has retired and has normal brain functioning, but not for someone with dementia. This isn't about teaching a "baby bird to fly on their own." People with dementia will become more dependent, not less dependent. They have limited capacity for behavior changes unlike a child who is learning and whose brain is developing.
Trying to set limits is difficult because the center of the brain that deals with impulse control is deteriorating. Brain scans will show holes in the brain tissues. This may also account for some of the anger outbursts you see coming through. The "filter" function of the brain is no longer working. There's no part saying "Stop. You may feel angry but it's not ok to hit someone. Talk it out."
As others have mentioned, these behaviors may only get worse. He won't be able to control himself so you may have to to actions to protect yourself.
Anyway, I'm trying my best to keep Mom here at home as long as I can...partly due to her finances but mostly because she can fake orientation long enough in front of her doctor & elder lawyer to refuse placement. BUT...I've already determined that the FIRST time she gets physical with me or one of my animals, she's getting placed whether she tries to refuse or not. They may be old & frail-looking but they are *amazingly* strong! Neither I nor my fur-babies deserve to be physically harmed, especially when there are facilities that can more safely deal with her care at that point.
I would also have him evaluated for medication.
I would look into various options for his care, since he will eventually not be able to walk or get in and out of bed. So, at some point, you will not be able to care for him yourself at home. I would try to have a plan before the need arrives.
Re shadowing, sadly not just dementia suffers do this. I'm severely disabled and have my own support staff. 2 of them shadow me constantly even though they know I can do some things alone :~)
The sad ending to the story is that Aunt dropped dead of a heart attack 4 months after he was placed. Uncle lived on happily for at her 2 years. Aunt had always said "he'll die if he goes to one of those places".
Wam, you need to let go of the guilt and realize that he'll be well taken care of and content.