He "Shadows" me everywhere, worse than the dogs! If I get up to go to the bathroom he follows me and stands outside door. When I fold the wash he follows me to the Laundry room and stands at that door. When I am cooking he stands in the kitchen while I walk all around him to get what I need. It is very inconvenient , but I smile and act pleasant so he doesn't get upset. When is it my turn to get upset? This is beginning to get me crazy. The only place he doesn't follow me is into the computer room. I don't know why. I can't spend too much time in there because now he is pooping in rooms other than the bathroom if I don't follow him around. The other day I sat down to have a yogurt and he went into the guest bedroom and pooped on my fabric covered hassock. Yuck. Once he went out in the garage and pooped. The interesting part is that he usually poops in his Depends and never remembers to pull them down when sitting on the toilet. I have to do it for him. Yesterday he was angry with me for trying to attend a baby shower. He got all mad and started shoving me around, and yelling at the way too young caregiver who had just arrived. I sent her home....no baby shower for me yesterday. Then when we went into the bathroom he wouldn't let me do anything for him. He wanted to do it himself....which he doesn't remember how to do! What a mess and catastrophe yesterday was. And we actually had a peaceful and calm week leading up to this! But my main question is what to do about the shadowing. Even his favorite movie doesn't hold his attention anymore.
We had a similar situation--no signs from God but we JUST made it into AL before my mom really lost her faculties. I just said to my husband the other day that if my mom were not in AL right now, our lives would be totally different--and impossible. He agreed.
So, you just hang on, know that God is with you, and be patient. In a few months you can look back on this and sigh with relief. But tin the meantime, keep in touch!!!! And let us know how it is going.
Lots of hugs!
His late wife, was my almost identical twin and while I don't for a nano second believe he would have hurt her. I think that sometimes seeing me triggers such overwhelming emotion in his poor confused brain that he lashes out. So for both our sakes I need to be the one to set the boundaries and make sure they are kept.
Wam. like many others here, thinking of you.
All I can add, is that because of this horrible disease the person you now live with is not sadly the person you made those promises too. You have kept faith with that person. If just for a few moments your beloved could be back and aware of the changes do you really believe that Your safety/well being wouldn't be his prime importance?
Let others help by doing the day to day grind so you are free to love, visit, hold the memories for you both and not be worn out or endangered in the process.
Bless you and do keep us all updated.
The quality of care matters a lot, and that's not always something that we can control. So much depends on where we live.
I think that most will feel anxious but some of that they pick up from us. If we feel guilty and worried they will be worried. So, try to work on getting rid of the guilt.
Please update us when you can.
Carol
It is now an epidemic as so many suffer from dementia. This is an umbrella diagnose.
Every individual needs to evaluate their own situation to determine what 'can be' and 'can not be' expected from a loved one.
Hint: Some behaviors have been with you a long time already.
It is not too late to get some tools to work with. I hope my ideas and experience have hit at lease one nail on the head.
The sad ending to the story is that Aunt dropped dead of a heart attack 4 months after he was placed. Uncle lived on happily for at her 2 years. Aunt had always said "he'll die if he goes to one of those places".
Wam, you need to let go of the guilt and realize that he'll be well taken care of and content.
Re shadowing, sadly not just dementia suffers do this. I'm severely disabled and have my own support staff. 2 of them shadow me constantly even though they know I can do some things alone :~)
I would also have him evaluated for medication.
I would look into various options for his care, since he will eventually not be able to walk or get in and out of bed. So, at some point, you will not be able to care for him yourself at home. I would try to have a plan before the need arrives.
Anyway, I'm trying my best to keep Mom here at home as long as I can...partly due to her finances but mostly because she can fake orientation long enough in front of her doctor & elder lawyer to refuse placement. BUT...I've already determined that the FIRST time she gets physical with me or one of my animals, she's getting placed whether she tries to refuse or not. They may be old & frail-looking but they are *amazingly* strong! Neither I nor my fur-babies deserve to be physically harmed, especially when there are facilities that can more safely deal with her care at that point.
Also, it probably has nothing to do with being "co-dependent", or "learning to set limits or boundaries." That may work with a man who has retired and has normal brain functioning, but not for someone with dementia. This isn't about teaching a "baby bird to fly on their own." People with dementia will become more dependent, not less dependent. They have limited capacity for behavior changes unlike a child who is learning and whose brain is developing.
Trying to set limits is difficult because the center of the brain that deals with impulse control is deteriorating. Brain scans will show holes in the brain tissues. This may also account for some of the anger outbursts you see coming through. The "filter" function of the brain is no longer working. There's no part saying "Stop. You may feel angry but it's not ok to hit someone. Talk it out."
As others have mentioned, these behaviors may only get worse. He won't be able to control himself so you may have to to actions to protect yourself.