My siblings call my mother once in awhile to check on her with a very brief phone call. Rarely visit her.
She will talk about issues, then they criticize me for not doing things the right way. They have no clue that my mother doesn’t always do what she is supposed to, she only tells them of mishaps that occur afterward and I get blamed. My mother will not defend me to them.
She is so happy to hear from them and it’s the old, keep the peace story. I understand that she misses them but I feel hurt that she allows them to speak badly about me, her daughter who does everything for her. My siblings do not know her daily routine.
So hurtful to me. Her doctors have all told me that I do a wonderful job in caring the best I can for her. My siblings have no contact with nurses or doctors due to I am the one who accompanies her to doctor appointments and emergency hospital visits. Very frustrating to me. My siblings never ask me how I am doing. It would mean the world to me just to have them ask how I feel. I feel pushed aside, forgotten about.
I have always been the closest to my parents. My dad died several years ago and only asked me to care for mom. I think he knew I was the responsible one. The one he could rely on. I took care of him too.
I always wanted to be just as close to my siblings but they lived their own lives without wanting a close relationship to me. They came to holiday dinners though. Not to brag but I’m a great cook.
By the way, I always babysat their children too. When my children were born they had limited contact with them, same as they only had limited contact with my parents and me. They always found the time to do whatever they wanted to do, hang out with their friends, etc. Family was never a priority to them.
If others have suggestions about how to handle siblings, please let me know. I always thought loved ones should pull together in hard times but they continue to ignore me.
Thanks for listening. It helps to have a shoulder to lean on.
There were those occasional comments from family that they didn't like how I cared for Mom. I knew I was doing my best seeing that my mom's needs were met. Family might see one thing that they did not like and would criticize it. I knew the day to day situation, they did not.
In order to keep peace, I might ask them what their concerns were and explain why you do what you do. Other than that, listen to professionals when needed and keep up the good work. It's a hard job and guess who's doing it.
Mom now has undiagnosed cognitive issues which skews what she tells people.
Please try to be content knowing you are doing the right things, and don’t place such high value on others opinions/comments.
Wow, tough situation. I’m sorry. Nothing is easy. Somehow we endure. My heart goes out to you. Take care.
It certainly helps to know that you are not alone. Many are in the same boat with you! This is a good place to "vent."
"My siblings never ask me how I am doing. It would mean the world to me just to have them ask how I feel. I feel pushed aside, forgotten about."
We can ask how you are doing and encourage you to find some kind of respite - hire someone to come watch over her, even if only a few hours/week and GET OUT to do something YOU enjoy. Balancing your life is important too. Forget the deadbeats, focus on YOU and MOM!
"I always thought loved ones should pull together in hard times but they continue to ignore me."
There are no guarantees for this. Some families yes. Many do not. So, continue to do what YOU feel is best for mom and let their criticism fall by the wayside.
I could not fit everything into one post, so started with this. More to come....
Thank you for mentioning the fact that often, the primary caregiver never gets asked how they are. Never genuinely thanked. Never helped, even in some small way, to help make their life a little easier, even just one small gesture, given the primary caregiver gives up so much of their own personal life. I read family messages between my brother and sister, on the family group chat session, where they are either having a wee joke about mum's behaviour when they visit, or are remarking on the difficulty of doing something with her, or congratulating each other on doing something with her. AND I think, "this is my every day life" :)
BUT, Am Finally, working towards trying to ACCEPT that this won't change (as has been mentioned by others) and knowing that you are doing more than the very very best you can, to honour your parent, in their final years on this earth , is something to help deal with the sad loss of sibling support and understanding.
Criticism? I guess the standard answer can be, as someone else has eluded to, ............. "I am the one on the front line and have a 24/7 understanding of all the different things affecting my parent's life and of how she responds. " I think siblings interfere because there is an impending sense of loss, or guilt SO they need to try gain some control, because of the above two reasons.
BUT YES, we need somewhere, or someone we can share with, even if it is on this forum, just so we know others understand and care.
ALL THE BEST EVERYONE, who is doing the greatest job, next to child raising, of looking after their elderly relative. :) :) :)
Just got an email post with an Emerson quote, which is so appropriate for these situations:
"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness"!
I pray for you dear caregiver and all caregivers, for wisdom, a bigger more loving heart, patience, strength, stamina, and peace. Sometime in the future, looking back, knowing you did all you could do, and the peace that gives your life, is hugely important. That is a goal that's not selfish. It makes having great memories, which will come eventually during and after grieving and mourning, much more possible.
Those siblings are not the important thing right now. They need to think about this: Treat others the way you want to be treated, and end the selfish, self-serving, pat yourself on the back fakeness, because life is about loving others, like Jesus said.
Thanks for prayers. I need them. I pray for others too.
You are trying to change them. Why? They are trying to change you! Duh. I was lucky in that all five of my siblings supported me for eight years. If they would have given me any crap, they would have been whistling in the wind. Do the right things for your mom. Boom! Done!
I used to feel guilty if I did things for myself, and it was quite a shock once I figured out that if we don't take care of ourselves (I had health problems, etc) then it interferes with our ability to care for them. For me anyway, that's how it was.
And the things my mother says about me? I used to agonize over her comments. She's always been so sweet. But, once I accepted she doesn't even really know what she's saying sometimes, and five minutes later doesn't even remember what she said?! I let it go. Serves no purpose to hang on to it.
Sorry so long. But I wish you well. Everyone deserves peace of mind and happiness. I hope you find yours.
Yeah, true. It’s messy at times though. Mom has set routines. She speaks to them once in awhile and they want to impress her so they try to interfere in mom’s life, which they know nothing about.
When my out of town criticizes I tell him he is more than welcome to take over, even take a week of vacation or two over a year to fly and come help. I would like to think that would shut him up but it still doesn't. So not much you can do.
My mom is always praising my brother who lives in town to me saying
"Tim" calls just to see how she is doing, he is so nice. Tim doesn't lift a finger to help as I do and all my mom does is complain about my help, and how I am not doing enough.
I did see a therapist for a bit on this and he said not much you can do. Human nature almost for the one doing the work to be complained about. I did since read other comments and as some have said, you can only control your reaction. I am working on that, thought not easy.
I would recommend to you that you obtain Guardianship of your mother if you have not done so already. We did not do that, but we did not know enough about that to do it timely. We were appointed by both our parents as P.O.A.s, Health Care Protectors, Co Trustees, etc. yet our mother began making up stories about us to the others when they would call her rarely. We don’t even know what was said, but our brother and two younger sisters all hired attorneys against my twin and myself and removed us from our positions completely unbeknownst to us! It has been devastating because we know that they know the truth but have lied in order to get more money from the estate. (They have removed their own children and grandchildren from the estate - shocking but not surprising knowing their spending habits!)
You need to protect yourself. Seek counsel from an attorney. Perhaps your mother has an estate attorney that you could speak to about it all IF you are the P.O.A. &
Health Care Protector. (My mother was declared by her own MDVIP internist that she was “incapacitated” yet my siblings with their attorneys completely bypassed this legal document. My mother definitely had dementia, but she refused to see any doctors and dropped all of her doctors more than a year and a half before she died. So, she was never run through all of the tests. I recommend that you push for this although there is no guarantee the tests will prove it. However, when a parent (or anyone) begins “lying” about their caregivers it is a sure sign that either dementia or Alzheimer’s is present.
I wish you the best - don’t delay on the testing and obtaining Guardianship.
I guess I just needed to hear that from love. And to know that it is what it is; what it's always been. I shouldn't expect anything more or anything less.
Please think of making time for a therapist to bolster your self esteem and convictions. Take care of yourself!
Thanks for your prayers! I will never turn away prayers. Means a lot to me.
And one other difference ... I'm not a good cook.. 😝 (I'm not really that 👈 bad. But my cooking has never been the reason why someone would come to my house. And especially not my siblings. My siblings would come for one reason .... if it involved them getting some type of financial benefit. They are greed driven.)
Anyway, my siblings treated me (and my father) the same way yours treat you and your mother. And my father is the exact same way as your mother .... So desperate for their attention, and so willing to throw me under the bus just trying to get closer to them. Never defends me to them. An example, I had been bugging my dad for weeks (maybe months ...) to let me cut his hair. (Not to brag, but I'm good at it. 😁) I even offered to take him to a barber. But nooo. I nagged and nagged him. Then my sister came to his house (She came to visit 3 times in 5-1/2 years). And she told him, "Tell Julie to cut your hair." I asked him if he told her I'd been bugging him about It for weeks, and he chuckled and said, "No." I know that may not seem like a huge deal, but it's that there wasn't one word of appreciation or acknowledgement for taking care of our dad. Keeping his house clean, driving him everywhere .. Appointments, shopping, picking him up at the hospital - locally and 75 miles away. Cooking meals for him everyday .... post-surgery care after 3 surgeries. I mean I could go on and on. I was exhausted emotionally and physically.It
The sad thing is it got way, way worse. And that's what I want to say to you. Our lives sound so parallel, I want you to be careful. I am so gullible and trusting. I never imagined my siblings would stoop as low as they did and be so diabolical. It broke my heart.
And It ultimately broke my dad's heart. But he went along with them for awhile, until .... well until they went back to being themselves again. Once they got what they wanted, they quit coming around. They were only able to pretend they cared for about 4 months. But it was long enough for them to ruin my life and my dad's life. As long as my siblings are happy .... That's all they care about. Anyone else getting hurt in the process is a means to an end. Collateral damage. They don't even give it a second thought.
Just be careful. Don't trust them. Keep a journal of your daily activities. I hate to say this, but if you don't already have it, get POA. So you can continue to make decisions with and for your mother. You're the one that knows her, and cares for her. You don't want them to do it behind your back - It sounds like she would be willing, just to get on their good side ... for their approval ... or just for their attention. The damage a person can do once they have POA is life-changing. And It can be done in a blink of an eye.
I will never, ever speak to my siblings again. For any reason. I, like you, value family, and always wished to be really close to my siblings. They don't feel the same way. It's not just me ... they just don't care about family relationships. But there have been times when they needed me or something from me .... and I was there in a heartbeat. Or they were suddenly at my house to hide out and stay for awhile. I didn't ask any questions. She was my sister. Of course she could stay. That was before. Never again. I wouldn't throw water on her if she was on fire. I mean that. I would let her burn. She needs to get used to It anyway.
Best of luck. Protect your heart. Protect yourself.
It is so hurtful to be treated that way by both your parent and your siblings.
I love everything you have to say. You’re a great person and I respect you so much. Thanks.
I understand to a degree what you are going through. It amazes me that the minute a family caregiver is in place, how many (most/all) family members bail.
Your assistance as a babysitter to ungrateful and critical relatives is something you can control... stop doing it, since you are clearly, or so it seems, being taken advantage of. Draw some boundaries and stick with them. People tend to use and abuse the goodwill of those who don’t define boundaries.
Your mother does not allow or not allow your siblings to say what they say. Frankly, you are in charge now and she is just their mother and she will always be happy to hear from them. No one is coming to rescue you. You still want the comfort from your mother and a pat on the back, but you are now the adult in the room.
You have a little of what I call the Hope that Springs Eternal. Your siblings are not suddenly going to have a change of personality. You already know who they are and what you can expect from them.
No, they have no idea what you go through in a day, a week, a month, but you can inform them. Take some notes and write an essay entitled My Week With Our Mother. Be detailed. Send it by email.
You are doing everything right and you already have confirmation of that. Make sure you don't get burned out. Take a neutral stance with your siblings. Get support from people who are actually there for you.
I eventually learned that people who give little, will have little to give when a crisis occurs. While siblings were receptive to my efforts toward creating a family dynamic, they did very little when it came to contributing to that dynamic. When my mom's condition deteriorated, the same thing happened. Very little help, but lots of criticism. Because I wanted to believe that we could get to the point of cooperation as far as my mother's condition was concerned, I took a whole lot of verbal abuse before this simple fact dawned on me: sometimes people can't give anything because they don't have it to give. It's not personal, not planned or plotted, it is what it is. And sometimes they can resent you because you ARE the person who can step up and do what needs to be done. You would think that people would say, "thank God you can do this" and support you in any way they can, but that doesn't always happen.
When your siblings hit you with their negative opinions, you can choose to argue or defend yourself, or you can do what I did: just disconnect when the criticisms start. I, ultimately, have all the control and they won't challenge that because they don't want to do the job. I am often moved to tears by nurses, doctors, social workers and friends who see what I do and support my efforts. You can't make people see what they refuse to see. You just do what you need to do. You got this!
I hope the large amount of replies/responses helps you see that you are definitely not alone. It is a BIG deal hot button issue! Lots of caregivers are all alone in their efforts.
I am somewhat alone in caring for parents. One sibling is several states away, the other is a few hours away.
I keep one posted about the parents, the other doesn't seem to notice there is anything wrong with our parents (yes, definitely primarily inwardly focused).
The one I keep posted, has volunteered to help in whatever way they can. And (very lovingly) said something to me that I have never forgotten -
The ones that do the heavy lifting.... Get to steer the ship!
This sibling has been supportive from the start. Since there is so much that stinks about 24/7/365 caregiving, I really try so hard to find the good things whenever they appear. So, I may not have a lot of support, but I don't have anyone second guessing everything I do. Except me, right? (it may happen later, who knows?) And if it does happen, I will do like a lot of previous posters have said, and tell them that they can come stay for a week and tell me how it turns out!? I am in need of a vacation, so that will be great, thanks for offering to stay and take care of the parents! Will next Tuesday be okay? Hahaha.
You keep hanging in there. You are doing a WONDERFUL thing for your loved one. And no amount of criticism by well meaning, or downright obnoxious family members will change that! Ever!
Hugs.
Sparkles ✨
I am truly grateful to have found this site to vent and receive feedback.
I think we can only control what we do, not what others do. So as hard as it may be, try to concentrate on just doing the best job you can and trust me, we reap what we sow. Your siblings will pay for their neglect one way or other.
If you receive negative comments from your siblings, I would very politely state that they are welcome to come and care for your mother. And once they have 'walked a mile in your shoes' than you would be willing to have a discussion with them but not before.
I have had my share of issues with one sibling-in-law in particular. I just basically ignore any negativity and it makes my life much easier.