My siblings call my mother once in awhile to check on her with a very brief phone call. Rarely visit her.
She will talk about issues, then they criticize me for not doing things the right way. They have no clue that my mother doesn’t always do what she is supposed to, she only tells them of mishaps that occur afterward and I get blamed. My mother will not defend me to them.
She is so happy to hear from them and it’s the old, keep the peace story. I understand that she misses them but I feel hurt that she allows them to speak badly about me, her daughter who does everything for her. My siblings do not know her daily routine.
So hurtful to me. Her doctors have all told me that I do a wonderful job in caring the best I can for her. My siblings have no contact with nurses or doctors due to I am the one who accompanies her to doctor appointments and emergency hospital visits. Very frustrating to me. My siblings never ask me how I am doing. It would mean the world to me just to have them ask how I feel. I feel pushed aside, forgotten about.
I have always been the closest to my parents. My dad died several years ago and only asked me to care for mom. I think he knew I was the responsible one. The one he could rely on. I took care of him too.
I always wanted to be just as close to my siblings but they lived their own lives without wanting a close relationship to me. They came to holiday dinners though. Not to brag but I’m a great cook.
By the way, I always babysat their children too. When my children were born they had limited contact with them, same as they only had limited contact with my parents and me. They always found the time to do whatever they wanted to do, hang out with their friends, etc. Family was never a priority to them.
If others have suggestions about how to handle siblings, please let me know. I always thought loved ones should pull together in hard times but they continue to ignore me.
Thanks for listening. It helps to have a shoulder to lean on.
I am truly very sorry about your grandfather. Good for you for caring for him. I loved mine too, just like I love my mom. I am caring for my mom. Just like you wanted the best for him, I want the best for my mom.
Just a simple little question? Did you have help in your caregiving duties? I surely hope so because it’s hard as hell doing it all alone since 2005 in my home. Many years before that in mom’s home. My dad at the same time, my oldest brother who died, my mother in law and husband’s grandmother. So yeah, a big chunk of my my life. I’m tired.
Once again, I do feel everyone is entitled to their opinion. That what makes the world go round. We all have a part.
Some things you’ve said are taken out of context though. I mentioned gifts not because I am materialistic, nor is my mom for that matter. She grew up during the depression. She only wants love and attention from my siblings and she deserves that just like you and I loved our grandfathers.
A phone call for her birthday isn’t taking money out of their pocket. I never, ever implied I wanted them to buy her things. I don’t think I am better because I have bought her things. The priceless gift that I give her is my love. I care for her. Not lip service like my hypocrital brothers.
She deserves to be remembered on special days. Mother’s Day is just another day to them and then she feels awful they forgot her. I don’t blame her. She’s 93! She fears she’s going to die without being acknowledged by her sons. Pathetic on their part. Yet she still loves them, which is both wonderful and sad at the same time that they don’t want to make time for her.
When she was in her house they had friends that lived right down the street from her house and she’d see their car at their house and thought they might stop by her house to say hello and they didn’t.
I love when my kids tell me they love me on mother’s day. But they call me often. They speak to my mom often. She rarely gets calls from them. It stinks! They are selfish. They’ve always been caught up in their own lives and never showed consideration for those they should show the most.
My brothers have missed out on knowing their mother. I know the good and bad (by far more good.) They know hardly anything. I’ll have memories of mom that last a lifetime. Sad thing is they don’t care. My hope is one day they will. They did the same thing with my grandparents, aunts and uncles, no time for family.
It is interesting though, their wives, the women they were busy chasing ended up seeing them for who they truly are and left them.
I don’t want money for myself to buy fancy stuff. I want to make sure mom gets everything she needs. My brothers have always squandered away their money and these are my mom’s golden years.
Am I exhausted? You bet! Do I need a break? Doesn’t everyone? None of us are superheroes. Would be nice if we had special powers.
As as far as missing any of your posts. I have no idea how long you have been posting but I am new here. Just looking for support in an overwhelming job as you well know. Plus, if I am going to read posts of certain people, it’s going to be people that I feel I relate to most. Please give respect to receive it.
It doesn’t matter if we have different outlooks on things. Just a little advice from a newbie to someone who has experience here, be kind, show compassion. You might be pleased because you get what you give. People pick up on when someone is abrasive. Even if you don’t realize it or mean it. Also. if you dish it out, be ready to take it as well. No one signed up to be a doormat.
Also, if I wish to speak to an attorney, I will. I wouldn’t try to coerce anyone about anything. The only thing I would be interested in is having my questions answered. If you think I’m greedy, I’m not. I’ve spent the most because it brought me joy to do so. I’ve spent my own money. She puts her money aside.
No. Neither my siblings, nor my parents, helped me care for my grandfather.
Yes. It was exhausting.
Still. It was my choice to care for him. So I felt it was pointless to hold anything against any other family members.
At the very end medicare did provide some help in the form of a CNA. If your mother has medicare, contact them. With a doctors note you can have a covered CNA come to your home.
You may also be eligible of intermittent nursing care at a registered facility.
This takes place after being in a hospital for three consecutive days and can last for some period of time before the patient is again released. At that point you can again get a CNA to come to the home, covered by medicare.
Thanks for your kindness and truthfulness. I appreciate it so very much. I don’t think any of us were prepared to deal with what we have had to endure. Some people get it and others don’t have a clue.
Plus we all have unique, individual circumstances. There is no, ‘One size fits all.’, answer.
Along these lines, but... voluntarily send regular updates with the facts. That way when mom starts telling tales, you are not "defending yourself," you're just continuing to keep them informed about what's going on.
You say they don't know her daily routine... tell them about it. Not accusingly, just conversationally. As if you were talking to an interested friend on the phone.
If it makes sense, you can include finances in these updates. You can also list things that need to be done, upcoming appointments, etc.
Sometimes, people actually DO want to help but it seems like someone else has taken over and either does not need help or would not welcome it.
And try to let go of negative thoughts about other people. They take up valuable emotional energy and drag you down. You can't change how others think and behave, you can only control yourself.
Good luck!