What to do when siblings ignore the primary caregiver, then criticize what I do when they do nothing to contribute?

Wow...when I read what You said about Your situation, it was almost word for word what I am living...I hope to find help in the replies.

Just take care of your Mom the best you can and take care of yourself. Ignore them. They have to know what all you are doing and they are justifying their lack of help by finding ways to criticize you to your Mom to soothe their own guilt. Just know that you are rockin’ it and doing the right thing. Everybody knows you are the star and they are, well, skunks.

I can relate to your post 100%. I am living it. It’s going on 6 years now. It didn’t start off this way but as more and more needs to be done people scatter. For me, there’s an added burden of commuting 150-300 miles/day to do the care and other things needed. I have a professional practice as well. AND my sibs and my mother often work against me to their own detriment which is exhausting and very scary at times. My mother gets angry at me if I object to the way I’m treated, not to sibs who are treating me badly. She is respectful of their life/time/boundaries but not mine. My husband and I have sacrificed a ton to provide what’s needed for her and my Dad because no one else is willing to do all that it takes. My mother is largely responsible for damaging my relationships with sibs and vice versa. I’m not a martyr or victim type nor am I passive, dependent, weak, or unable to set boundaries. In fact I’m even a therapist who understands the dynamics I’m in, and has had lots of practice dealing with difficult people. All that said, I can tell you frankly, that from my experience with the same situation, there’s nothing you can do to get your needs for acknowledgment, love, respect, safety, or peace met within your family. You are or would be fighting a losing battle to keep trying. They are either unwilling or unable to treat you the right way because they have an investment of some sort in the opposite. Their stance with you does something for them. Whether the payoff is relieving their guilt, pleasing others, paying you back for something, jealousy, doesn’t matter. There’s something they gain or protect by doing what their doing. Only a significant event in their own life or an epiphany has potential to change that. Ignoring, setting limits, being direct about your anger, resetment, sadness, frustration is all important to express- for you and your dignity -so do it for that reason. Not in the hope of changing anything. Continue the care on your terms for your own reasons and know that you are doing what you believe is right - what you can live with. I agree with everyone who said or implied you will be at peace afterward. That’s a hugely positive outcome that really does make it all worthwhile. You are living your life with responsibility and integrity. But there’s another reason too. This is a time when you have a rare opportunity to “see” the others and yourself more clearly because you have to focus on what you believe is right while being challenged. It will make you even stronger and more confident, more compassionate, more capable then before. It’s painful to feel unloved - to be abandoned when YOU need help from your loved ones - to be criticized when you are really suffering - to be disrespected when you are being so respectful of them. I know what all this feels like. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever gone through and I’ve had some huge things to deal with in life. But I don’t regret what I’m doing for my parents because I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I acted as I see the others acting. That would have ruined my life anyhow so this is a better alternative. I feel sorry for you - for all of us who’ve been treated this way. It’s not right. There are people who have more supportive, emotionally healthy parents & siblings. They are fortunate.

I’m not shy about speaking up. I have politely told everyone that it is becoming too much for me. They look at me as if I am overreacting instead of seeing that I am overwhelmed. They don’t want to be bothered with care for mom. Sexists , also, “woman’s job” is what I have heard.

Nicawriter,

You said a mouthful! Thanks so much for understanding! Means the world to me. If it would not be for this site, I’d go crazy without some support. I want to thank you all again.

As as far as friends, I don’t have time to socialize. My friends live about 40 miles away, not very close in distance. Just chat on phone once in awhile. Hardly no money to hire anyone to help. My mother has money in bank for useless brothers after she dies. Again, not a lot. But it would pay for a sitter every now and then. So frustrating. I wish I knew how to handle this. I’m burning out and overwhelmed. They think I am a robot on autopilot because I handle everything properly. Take care of all my mom’s needs and neglect myself. I’ve had to cancel my doctor appointments just to help her. I have high blood pressure and my doctor is upset with me for not taking better care of myself.

Oh my, does this sound familiar.

You dedicate all your energy, resources and time to your aging mom, and no one seems to notice or appreciate your efforts.
It's often a thankless job, made worse by self-absorbed siblings who assuage their own guilt by occasionally making an empty gesture and then buggering off.
The best advice I can give you is to set up boundaries for yourself. When siblings start criticizing or offering unsolicited "advice", can you excuse yourself and go elsewhere? Can you have a friend or partner step in and speak on your behalf? Can you even say: "Thanks so much, but given that the lion's share of mom's care has fallen to me, either pick up the slack or refrain from criticizing or advising me." Chances are, your mother will never be grateful, will never fully realize your self-sacrifice and dedication, so you must find it elsewhere. Can you afford to hire someone else to relieve you sometimes? Look for volunteer organizations who actually pay home visits to seniors, and then go see a good film or have a long, hot bath soak. Having such selfish siblings is painful, but you also can't change their behavior. There is a grace in finally embracing that reality and redirecting your energy to YOU, what gives you pleasure, where your joy is. Oh, and the other thing is: stick with Aging Care forum - you all have gotten me through some very dark moments.
Hang in there!

As hard as it will be, I honestly would just ignore your siblings and the negativity from your mother. I am in a similar situation in that I am the sole caregiver for my parents because I live nearby and my siblings live a bit further away. I am fortunate in that my mother is not a negative person and doesn't relay negativity on to my siblings as far as I am aware.

If you receive negative comments from your siblings, I would very politely state that they are welcome to come and care for your mother. And once they have 'walked a mile in your shoes' than you would be willing to have a discussion with them but not before.

I have had my share of issues with one sibling-in-law in particular. I just basically ignore any negativity and it makes my life much easier.

I went through that and I don't have any suggestions to help you other than just don't give up like I did...I stayed with my mom after her stroke for 3 years..every day and night while working a full time job, running home during work to check on her, etc. According to my siblings, everything I did was wrong but they didn't pitch in to help me. I burned out big time, took mom to her doctor and told her I couldn't deal with the situation anymore. Siblings had control of her finances and there was more than enough money to hire help and keep her at home but instead they put her in the worst nursing home in the area. The next 10 years of mom's life was a living hell and there's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could go back and do it right...it doesn't matter what you have to go through, you only have one mom and it is worth all the grief, contention, and aggravation in the world to keep them at home and happy in the last years of their life. Good luck to you!

I recognize your story. I think as long as you know you are in the right that's the most important thing. Whether your siblings help or not is their problem. It's your problem only if you let it bother you. When I was taking care of my Mom I wasn't even expecting help from my siblings cause long before my mom needed help they kind of put themselves out of the picture so I wasn't expecting a miraculous change from them.

I think we can only control what we do, not what others do. So as hard as it may be, try to concentrate on just doing the best job you can and trust me, we reap what we sow. Your siblings will pay for their neglect one way or other.

Hi, I want to thank everyone again for all of your good advice. It is hard to deal with and I realize that I have some things to work on to reach certain goals. I get depressed. Deal with anxiety. Generally feel overwhelmed like most here, I suppose.

I am truly grateful to have found this site to vent and receive feedback.

I love what Athena26 said.... I too could have written this story. Same thing happened to me while caring for Mom. Lots of work, little gratitude from the siblings. Lots of drama and chaos was really all the siblings contributed. In the end Mom passed away. Siblings and I became fractured and are no longer speaking from all of the accusations that were leveled by those who were never there. Mom and I had a life, as did my siblings. Their priority was different from mine. I am so glad that I took the time to be with her during those last years. My Mom was happy and thrived in my care. She knew that I loved her, and there was nothing left unsaid between us. My siblings can never take that away, diminish it, nor will they ever get the chance to re-do their choice ever again. My siblings to this day try and belittle the care that was provided. Of course, if it were them, they could have done it better... However, saying it, and doing it are two different things. Neither wanted to take the time to provide the love and care. I think the job that I did says a lot about my character, just as the job they failed to do says a lot about theirs. I am happy to look in the mirror each night and see my worn face, however, I suspect they are not so happy to see their own. If you are able, take the time and provide the love and care. Don't worry about what others say. Put things into place legally so that you are covered in the end when legal things such as the estate and receipts come in to play. Go on providing a loving environment regardless of siblings negativity. They are hollow people and will never have anything valuable to offer.

Hi there-
I hope the large amount of replies/responses helps you see that you are definitely not alone. It is a BIG deal hot button issue! Lots of caregivers are all alone in their efforts.
I am somewhat alone in caring for parents. One sibling is several states away, the other is a few hours away.

I keep one posted about the parents, the other doesn't seem to notice there is anything wrong with our parents (yes, definitely primarily inwardly focused).
The one I keep posted, has volunteered to help in whatever way they can. And (very lovingly) said something to me that I have never forgotten -

The ones that do the heavy lifting.... Get to steer the ship!

This sibling has been supportive from the start. Since there is so much that stinks about 24/7/365 caregiving, I really try so hard to find the good things whenever they appear. So, I may not have a lot of support, but I don't have anyone second guessing everything I do. Except me, right? (it may happen later, who knows?) And if it does happen, I will do like a lot of previous posters have said, and tell them that they can come stay for a week and tell me how it turns out!? I am in need of a vacation, so that will be great, thanks for offering to stay and take care of the parents! Will next Tuesday be okay? Hahaha.

You keep hanging in there. You are doing a WONDERFUL thing for your loved one. And no amount of criticism by well meaning, or downright obnoxious family members will change that! Ever!

Hugs.
Sparkles ✨

You sound so much like me. I, too, was the hub of my family, hosting family/ holiday parties, taking care of siblings' children, doing what I thought I could do to maintain my version of a family unit. I am the youngest of 4 and was made executor of my mother estate, something my two middle siblings never forgave me for. My brother lives in Texas and hasn't seen my mother since 2015, but he felt confident in saying that I would eventually kill my mother because he felt I was totally unable to manage an adult with special needs. My sister, who agreed that something needed to be done with my mom, constantly vacillated between my mom moving in with me and us finding someone to live with my mom so she could stay in her home. Problem was that although sister was physically closer to my mom than any of us, she let me know she would be unavailable to oversee whoever was tending to my mom, so she was counting on me to do it, even though that could result in a 2 hour, one way drive for me. My mom's natural suspicious nature, coupled with the fact that she had Alzheimer's, totally eliminated the possibility of trying to manage her care from a distance so I moved her in with me. Four months after I did that, I received a night visit from adult protective services AND a sheriff's deputy doing a welfare check. This came about because I had decided to sell my mom's property and my sister wanted to have it available for her son, who suffers from alcohol and drug addiction problems. She has had to evict him from her rental property on at least 3 occasions, but felt nothing about encouraging him to push me to allow him to rent my mother's home. When I wouldn't and put it up for sale, I received the calls/visits. Both the case worker and the officer from the sheriff's department found my mom to be in good care and I had the paperwork to show that my mom had received a diagnosis of Alzheimer's and I was her legal representative.

I eventually learned that people who give little, will have little to give when a crisis occurs. While siblings were receptive to my efforts toward creating a family dynamic, they did very little when it came to contributing to that dynamic. When my mom's condition deteriorated, the same thing happened. Very little help, but lots of criticism. Because I wanted to believe that we could get to the point of cooperation as far as my mother's condition was concerned, I took a whole lot of verbal abuse before this simple fact dawned on me: sometimes people can't give anything because they don't have it to give. It's not personal, not planned or plotted, it is what it is. And sometimes they can resent you because you ARE the person who can step up and do what needs to be done. You would think that people would say, "thank God you can do this" and support you in any way they can, but that doesn't always happen.

When your siblings hit you with their negative opinions, you can choose to argue or defend yourself, or you can do what I did: just disconnect when the criticisms start. I, ultimately, have all the control and they won't challenge that because they don't want to do the job. I am often moved to tears by nurses, doctors, social workers and friends who see what I do and support my efforts. You can't make people see what they refuse to see. You just do what you need to do. You got this!

Raingirl, my mom has lived with me since 2005. She is 93! Her brother is 96! Who knows she could live to be 100 and I am the one who will drop dead from stress.

Does your mother live with you? What shape is she in, mentally physically? How old is she? Your life almost sounds like my life completely! My dad died a few years back, but my parents were divorced. I have 3 brothers and 1 sister, and none of them help and rarely come to see my mom. They judge me on my decisions about my mom too, who is 89 yrs old, but don't lift a finger to help. They are only waiting for her to pass, so they can get the inheritance. It is so very sad! She has been a great mother. So I hope you know you are not alone. I would just say to them, if you think you can do a better job, than have at it... Mine shut up then...

Time time for some tough love based on personal experience.

Your mother does not allow or not allow your siblings to say what they say. Frankly, you are in charge now and she is just their mother and she will always be happy to hear from them. No one is coming to rescue you. You still want the comfort from your mother and a pat on the back, but you are now the adult in the room.

You have a little of what I call the Hope that Springs Eternal. Your siblings are not suddenly going to have a change of personality. You already know who they are and what you can expect from them.

No, they have no idea what you go through in a day, a week, a month, but you can inform them. Take some notes and write an essay entitled My Week With Our Mother. Be detailed. Send it by email.

You are doing everything right and you already have confirmation of that. Make sure you don't get burned out. Take a neutral stance with your siblings. Get support from people who are actually there for you.

Dear NeedHelp,
I understand to a degree what you are going through. It amazes me that the minute a family caregiver is in place, how many (most/all) family members bail.
Your assistance as a babysitter to ungrateful and critical relatives is something you can control... stop doing it, since you are clearly, or so it seems, being taken advantage of. Draw some boundaries and stick with them. People tend to use and abuse the goodwill of those who don’t define boundaries.

I know exactly how you feel. If I didn't know better, I would've thought I wrote your post. It sounds exactly like my life except it's my father I've been caring for, not my mother.

And one other difference ... I'm not a good cook.. 😝 (I'm not really that 👈 bad. But my cooking has never been the reason why someone would come to my house. And especially not my siblings. My siblings would come for one reason .... if it involved them getting some type of financial benefit. They are greed driven.)

Anyway, my siblings treated me (and my father) the same way yours treat you and your mother. And my father is the exact same way as your mother .... So desperate for their attention, and so willing to throw me under the bus just trying to get closer to them. Never defends me to them. An example, I had been bugging my dad for weeks (maybe months ...) to let me cut his hair. (Not to brag, but I'm good at it. 😁) I even offered to take him to a barber. But nooo. I nagged and nagged him. Then my sister came to his house (She came to visit 3 times in 5-1/2 years). And she told him, "Tell Julie to cut your hair." I asked him if he told her I'd been bugging him about It for weeks, and he chuckled and said, "No." I know that may not seem like a huge deal, but it's that there wasn't one word of appreciation or acknowledgement for taking care of our dad. Keeping his house clean, driving him everywhere .. Appointments, shopping, picking him up at the hospital - locally and 75 miles away. Cooking meals for him everyday .... post-surgery care after 3 surgeries. I mean I could go on and on. I was exhausted emotionally and physically.It

The sad thing is it got way, way worse. And that's what I want to say to you. Our lives sound so parallel, I want you to be careful. I am so gullible and trusting. I never imagined my siblings would stoop as low as they did and be so diabolical. It broke my heart.

And It ultimately broke my dad's heart. But he went along with them for awhile, until .... well until they went back to being themselves again. Once they got what they wanted, they quit coming around. They were only able to pretend they cared for about 4 months. But it was long enough for them to ruin my life and my dad's life. As long as my siblings are happy .... That's all they care about. Anyone else getting hurt in the process is a means to an end. Collateral damage. They don't even give it a second thought.

Just be careful. Don't trust them. Keep a journal of your daily activities. I hate to say this, but if you don't already have it, get POA. So you can continue to make decisions with and for your mother. You're the one that knows her, and cares for her. You don't want them to do it behind your back - It sounds like she would be willing, just to get on their good side ... for their approval ... or just for their attention. The damage a person can do once they have POA is life-changing. And It can be done in a blink of an eye.

I will never, ever speak to my siblings again. For any reason. I, like you, value family, and always wished to be really close to my siblings. They don't feel the same way. It's not just me ... they just don't care about family relationships. But there have been times when they needed me or something from me .... and I was there in a heartbeat. Or they were suddenly at my house to hide out and stay for awhile. I didn't ask any questions. She was my sister. Of course she could stay. That was before. Never again. I wouldn't throw water on her if she was on fire. I mean that. I would let her burn. She needs to get used to It anyway.

Best of luck. Protect your heart. Protect yourself.








It is so hurtful to be treated that way by both your parent and your siblings.

I am sorry for you and I have experienced the same thing when I took care of my mom for 10 years. When things started going really downhill for her, everyone tried to tell me what to do. I was an only child and this was my children. Everything sounded good but required a huge amount of money, and mom wouldn't go along with any of it. She was most comfortable in her room and the living-dining room. She got to where she didn't want to ride in the car either. I wish others who had ideas, but never visit or help out would just stifle themselves. When I needed someone to talk to, I just didn't. When I was depressed, it was just my husband and myself. I know I withdrew. It has been less than a year since she passed. I have had surgery myself, which I had put of for a very long time. Both of us are sleeping better. Why can't those you love, love you back by being more understanding. I pray for you.

I truly feel for you. I'm wondering if a therapist might help you stand up for yourself from their bullying and ungratefulness. A therapist is helping me with similar issues. Two sisters who have no intention of helping with our mother and have left me to shoulder all the tasks and responsibilities; never ask about her or me, going into year 5 soon.
Please think of making time for a therapist to bolster your self esteem and convictions. Take care of yourself!

Our situations seem similar. Very recently my daughter said to me, "Stop trying to win her (their) approval; it's not going to happen. Just keep doing you."
I guess I just needed to hear that from love. And to know that it is what it is; what it's always been. I shouldn't expect anything more or anything less.

My dear, this sounds like a repeat of my own Mother and siblings. (I have a twin sister and she and I are the two who cared for both our parents until their deaths. Mother just died end of June 2018.). The three younger siblings had children and lived their lives exactly as you have stated, called exactly as you have stated, my twin and I babysat their kids as you have stated, etc., etc.!

I would recommend to you that you obtain Guardianship of your mother if you have not done so already. We did not do that, but we did not know enough about that to do it timely. We were appointed by both our parents as P.O.A.s, Health Care Protectors, Co Trustees, etc. yet our mother began making up stories about us to the others when they would call her rarely. We don’t even know what was said, but our brother and two younger sisters all hired attorneys against my twin and myself and removed us from our positions completely unbeknownst to us! It has been devastating because we know that they know the truth but have lied in order to get more money from the estate. (They have removed their own children and grandchildren from the estate - shocking but not surprising knowing their spending habits!)

You need to protect yourself. Seek counsel from an attorney. Perhaps your mother has an estate attorney that you could speak to about it all IF you are the P.O.A. &
Health Care Protector. (My mother was declared by her own MDVIP internist that she was “incapacitated” yet my siblings with their attorneys completely bypassed this legal document. My mother definitely had dementia, but she refused to see any doctors and dropped all of her doctors more than a year and a half before she died. So, she was never run through all of the tests. I recommend that you push for this although there is no guarantee the tests will prove it. However, when a parent (or anyone) begins “lying” about their caregivers it is a sure sign that either dementia or Alzheimer’s is present.

I wish you the best - don’t delay on the testing and obtaining Guardianship.

I have not read responses yet and probably should have as anything I say will already have been said, but hot button issue for me. There really is nothing you can do. I have two brothers, one in town who does nothing but does not criticize, (I think he realizes what a good deal he has) and another out of town, so he cannot help but does criticize.

When my out of town criticizes I tell him he is more than welcome to take over, even take a week of vacation or two over a year to fly and come help. I would like to think that would shut him up but it still doesn't. So not much you can do.

My mom is always praising my brother who lives in town to me saying
"Tim" calls just to see how she is doing, he is so nice. Tim doesn't lift a finger to help as I do and all my mom does is complain about my help, and how I am not doing enough.

I did see a therapist for a bit on this and he said not much you can do. Human nature almost for the one doing the work to be complained about. I did since read other comments and as some have said, you can only control your reaction. I am working on that, thought not easy.

Having expectations about other people's behavior can cause a lot of turmoil for us. I get it that it's easier said than done, but acceptance can be so helpful. You know what you're dealing with your siblings. If you can figure out how to accept the way they are, sometimes it's easier to move on and they will no longer negatively affect your emotions. I applaud you. It's a tough situation to be in. Once I realized that while it is absolutely my responsibility to make sure my mother is safe and well taken care of (which I willingly accept), it isn't necessarily my responsibility to provide all the 'hands on' care. If that makes sense. Took almost three years for that epiphany!

I used to feel guilty if I did things for myself, and it was quite a shock once I figured out that if we don't take care of ourselves (I had health problems, etc) then it interferes with our ability to care for them. For me anyway, that's how it was.

And the things my mother says about me? I used to agonize over her comments. She's always been so sweet. But, once I accepted she doesn't even really know what she's saying sometimes, and five minutes later doesn't even remember what she said?! I let it go. Serves no purpose to hang on to it.

Sorry so long. But I wish you well. Everyone deserves peace of mind and happiness. I hope you find yours.

I have the same issue. I am the only caregiver 24 7. My step sister has not helped at all. My step sister coerces my mother into hating me and when she gets off the phone with her she is angry at me, the one that does everything for her. The only way to stop the coercing is to keep your mom from talking to them, which is impossible.

Needhelpwithmom; This is total BS really do not ever let the others bother you obviousley you are the GLUE that holds the family together !! Maybe if you asked 1 of them to get mom to the Dr.appt. the next few times and sort out her meds tell your mom you have something important to do ....think about it the siblings will never know what you do how much you do and how much you put up with , until they themselves have to do what you do!! I have my kids help me I have no siblings my sister died but they know what a pain it can be .....We all vent together!! oh and ask them to watch your kids while they are takeing care of mom tooo....say you have an importaint dr. appt. for yourself ,or a job interview anything ...they need to help and you need a break!! Then they will be like how do you do this all the time try it ...you deserve it and the siblings need to be taught a lesson

Good grief! I'll be blunt here. Ignore them. Hang up. Leave the room.
You are trying to change them. Why? They are trying to change you! Duh. I was lucky in that all five of my siblings supported me for eight years. If they would have given me any crap, they would have been whistling in the wind. Do the right things for your mom. Boom! Done!

When the siblings contribute Substantially and Consistently, then they can provide input. If they don't do those two things, they need to shut their pie hole and let the one that is doing the work, do the work. Providing nothing but Guilt to the one doing the labor of love is not helping anything except they think that's their part as some kind of supervisory role (phony contribution). Not needed. Your love and the goal of letting mom keep her dignity along the way as you provide love and care is priority, not listening to background noise. That is not a priority at all.

I pray for you dear caregiver and all caregivers, for wisdom, a bigger more loving heart, patience, strength, stamina, and peace. Sometime in the future, looking back, knowing you did all you could do, and the peace that gives your life, is hugely important. That is a goal that's not selfish. It makes having great memories, which will come eventually during and after grieving and mourning, much more possible.

Those siblings are not the important thing right now. They need to think about this: Treat others the way you want to be treated, and end the selfish, self-serving, pat yourself on the back fakeness, because life is about loving others, like Jesus said.

I had the same type of situation. My Mom had therapy at a nursing home and ended up staying longer than I had anticipated and it cost us a fortune and she was not happy away from home. Since I have lived this same scenario I am letting you know you have to be careful. Your siblings may come back later on and try to make your life even worse. If you are POA and executor than all will be ok. If any of them are also POA or joint on anything there could be major problems. After living this same nightmare here is my advice: treasure your Mom and ignore the little things. Once she has passed as mine has you will miss her every day and every hour for a long time. See an elder care attorney now before things go any further if you do not have one already. Get advice to set up everything legally so they cannot come after you down the road. I thought going through the grieving process wasn't enough? Two of my siblings came after me when Mom came home per her request to live out her final times at home. They tried to sue me in court and even tried to take her away after she had a major stroke in the nursing home. It is so important to have all in order before that time comes as far as legal paperwork, the estate etc. Again, let the other go as it is just part of having siblings and part of being the responsible caregiver for your Mom. Mine appreciated me and stood up for me when they tried to put me down even when she was very ill near the end of her life. It is sad that we have to protect ourselves but necessary. Again, see an elder care attorney and make sure all bank accounts, life insurance, funds are in order. Another problem that came up was that the nursing home found any and every way to absorb as much of my Mom's money as possible for the time she was in the nursing home. Just a few months cost almost 50k and this was because her LTC insurance was not adequate for the $269 per day that this nursing home charged. A policy purchased over 20 years ago was only paying the same amount per day ($80) as when my Mom took out the policy. The nursing home chooses how long the parent stays in rehab. If they do not allow you the 100 days that medicare pays then you will pay the rest out of pocket as we had to do. Have an elder care attorney look at her nursing home insurance and any other insurance in advance. It will save you as far as peace of mind and as far as any assets your Mom has. The nursing home can take all of her savings, her house, her Social Security and even her life insurance if you do not have this set up properly. An elder care attorney and an investment rep that specializes in protecting family assets is necessary. Sorry to go on so long about this but I am trying to help you avoid the nightmare that made me feel like every day was forever and looking into the future and any dreams was gone. If my siblings had had their way they would have done this to me. Sad but it is a fact of what can happen and does. Take care best wishes. K

For anyone in a similar situation:

Just got an email post with an Emerson quote, which is so appropriate for these situations:
"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness"!