My siblings call my mother once in awhile to check on her with a very brief phone call. Rarely visit her.
She will talk about issues, then they criticize me for not doing things the right way. They have no clue that my mother doesn’t always do what she is supposed to, she only tells them of mishaps that occur afterward and I get blamed. My mother will not defend me to them.
She is so happy to hear from them and it’s the old, keep the peace story. I understand that she misses them but I feel hurt that she allows them to speak badly about me, her daughter who does everything for her. My siblings do not know her daily routine.
So hurtful to me. Her doctors have all told me that I do a wonderful job in caring the best I can for her. My siblings have no contact with nurses or doctors due to I am the one who accompanies her to doctor appointments and emergency hospital visits. Very frustrating to me. My siblings never ask me how I am doing. It would mean the world to me just to have them ask how I feel. I feel pushed aside, forgotten about.
I have always been the closest to my parents. My dad died several years ago and only asked me to care for mom. I think he knew I was the responsible one. The one he could rely on. I took care of him too.
I always wanted to be just as close to my siblings but they lived their own lives without wanting a close relationship to me. They came to holiday dinners though. Not to brag but I’m a great cook.
By the way, I always babysat their children too. When my children were born they had limited contact with them, same as they only had limited contact with my parents and me. They always found the time to do whatever they wanted to do, hang out with their friends, etc. Family was never a priority to them.
If others have suggestions about how to handle siblings, please let me know. I always thought loved ones should pull together in hard times but they continue to ignore me.
Thanks for listening. It helps to have a shoulder to lean on.
Your mom will not defend you for fear of offending them, stopping the infrequent contact. Have you talked to her about her complaining to them?
You may need to explain that you can't continue to do everything for her and deal with their harrassment. Something's gotta give. Maybe tell her that she should be grateful you aren't treating her like they are, but if she is so unhappy with your care it is time to figure out other arrangements. It is okay to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and is causing them to behave unacceptably.
With your siblings, your best bet would be to laugh and say, yep, seems like there is no pleasing her nowadays. But you know, she would love to have you come stay with her for the weekend. When can we expect you?
I try to use humor when dealing with ignorance, when they are being armchair caregivers try imagining them giving a speech to a large crowd, only they forgot to put their britches on when they left the house, or put on 2 different colors of shoes, really anything to amuse you while they try to get rid of their guilt for doing nothing to help. They are randomly shooting spit balls at the hole in the dam, while you are diverting the water, rebuilding the dam and trying to conserve the fish and wildlife all while complying with city, state and federal regulations. They must feel really ineffective and most people will attack trying to distract attention from themselves when they are not doing things they know they should.
Try to take what they say as just that, justification for their lack of help.
You are doing a great job, you are there when we all know how easy it would be to pack a bag and run away.
There are always other options, you may have to be creative but please, don't let any of them treat you poorly because you feel like there is no alternative. There is.
You can't change other people, but you can change how you react to other people.
Try not to let it hurt you. Rise above it cuz it's pretty doubtful that things will change much. You can only change your reaction what comes your way.
I tell you, they wouldn’t last a day doing what I do. Mom would be in a home. Sad part, she doesn’t have money so God knows what type of facility she’d be in.