My mom is 87 and really struggling in the bathroom. We moved her to assisted living about 6 months ago. She immediately started throwing her toilet paper in the trash can. Now she can't remember to flush the toilet.
This really came to a head when we visited her this afternoon with our 2 kids. She was very upset about everything that has been going on and that nobody can give her any answers. She is not sure what is wrong, what questions she needs answered and who won't answer her question. Just wanted us to go do what we needed to do and leave her in her room. Not how you want your kids to remember their grandma.
Have her checked for a urinary tract infection which can mimic or exacerbate dementia. If this is a sudden confusion, see if she's just recently added any new medications. Re-evaluate, with the ALF to see if she's where she belongs...assisted living versus a higher skilled facility.
If the ALF says they can manage her, then I'm not sure what else you could do other than to visit and love her.
When mom asks questions that seem obvious to you, be patient, answer them and tell her that her mind t's playing tricks on her because of her medication. Just an idea . . . That worked for my mom.
Good luck.
As for building memories for the grandkids, she can't help the way she behaves because her brain is broken...kind of like telling someone with a broken ankle to stop limping! You will need to adapt to her new reality. Plan to keep visits short, is there a certain time of day when she does better? Perhaps take part in activities offered by the assistive living, or share a meal with her.
I had my family gather over the weekend and although they are all now adults I was saddened to be reminded that they would never really get to know their grandmother as she once was.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe Mom is having some adjustment problems coupled with the fact that her dementia might be getting a little worse. It happens. It takes a lot of patience, a lot of talking and a lot of repetition to bring her to some level of peace. Maybe some reminder signs in the bathroom? The staff there (who've probably seen it before) can help with ideas & suggestions.
And don't worry about the kids. Trust me - the kids will remember the grandma who used to let them snuggle in her lap when she read stories to them - that memory gives them compassion for the confused, scared lady she is right now.